The Ugly . . .

Well, here it is. The naked ugly truth. Love is a very selfish enterprise. I am reminded of the episode of "Friends" where Phoebe and Joey were debating the legitimacy of altruistic behavior. Can you truly commit a selfless act? Even in doing for others, we are never completely and totally selfless. Even if all we get out of it is a "good feeling," that renders it self-serving. The episode ensued with Phobe trying to prove Joey wrong in this perspective so much so that she started doing things for people that were not merely self-sacrificial, but actually personally painful to make her argument. Yet, he countered with the point that now that she is consciously making an effort to do a kindness that is detrimental to her so she can not feel selfish,  that is in itself a self-serving act.

So, what does that have to do with anything? Well, it speaks to an epiphany I have had over the last few days. From a very pragmatic, if unromantic, perspective, we have a tendency to be very self-serving. We never want to be dumped, often to such a degree that we race to the end of a relationship just so we can be the one who walks away rather than being the one who gets left. Whether or not we want a lifetime with someone, we are driven by the egotistical need to be the center of someone's universe. We may not want them, may know that this is not the person we are supposed to be with, but that doesn't mean we don't have this unspoken desire for them to drift into eternity longing for us with that unrequited love. Don't pretend you haven't thought it. It might not be the most admirable of feelings, but it is human.

So, seriously, is this wrong? Is this tragically cynical? Is this excessive negativity? No, I really don't think so. I do think it explains why it makes it so very hard to move on at times. It is the irrational reason for clinging to something that wasn't meant to be. It is the unproductive motivation for analyzing and over-analyzing what someone says and does to try and get at what "might have been." We talk a lot about closure and while I hate over-used psycho-therapy speech, I will use this term for what is epidemic. We need to close a book on a relationship -- and I mean WE need to be the one to close that book, to decide when the story ends. If someone takes the book away from us, or if the book stops abruptly, or perhaps pages are missing, it is impossible to let it lie. We will track down another copy, go ask others what you missed, rent the movie just to have CLOSURE.

It is never easy to be rejected. It is even harder to be rejected when you had your foot out the door but the other person beats you to the punch. So, what do we do with that? Well, first we get really honest with ourselves. Whether you are the hanger-on or you are the one racing to the door, it is important to face up to the fact that matters of the heart very rarely get at the heart of the matter. We are so motivated by selfish interests and self-preservation that we are loathe to fully surrender to the potential of a relationship and we avoid seeing them for what they are and calling them what they are when we aren't willing to surrender the hold we have over someone else to move on and let them do the same.

Once we have the ugly truth before us, we can begin to do another little dance to the tune of  the Serenity Prayer and "accept the things you cannot change (about yourself, your partner, or the relationship), have courage to change the things you can (about how you approach relationships), and find the wisdom to know the difference (between love, convenience, and the fear of being alone.)"

The Bad . . .

So, here's the bad news. I am failing. I am a big fat failure. I have tried and tried and cannot master the art of keeping my mouth shut. I promise myself and others that I will hold my tongue when there is nothing good to come of speaking up. And, I am no good at it.

It is destructive to relationships and detrimental to trust. A wise man I encountered not long ago shared a quote his dad often recited: "Always tell the truth, just don't always be telling it." That is some wisdom I would so very much like to embrace, but I get in my own way over and over again.

I apologize, promise to do better, intend to do better, and then get lured back up onto my soapbox. Maybe it's under the guise of concern that I rant. Maybe it's through the misguided notion of teaching that I rave. Perhaps it is through the blindly arrogant notion of sharing wisdom that I pontificate. Most likely it is from insecurity, fear, and uncontrolled rage that I go on for days purging my frustrations and venting my aggravations. Whatever the motivation or intention, it only serves to alienate the ones I am most hoping to draw near in the process.

I'd like to say I am turning over a new leaf, but I know that would be an empty promise. I get my hackles up over injustice and I tilt at windmills and I talk through my feelings and I over-share. I'd like to think I can rein it in, but then I ask myself: Do I really want to? Am I wrong to feel passionately about the things that move me to words and action? Is it so bad to want to fix what is broken?

For the sake of my relationships, I will make an effort to tone it down, be more selective in my audience, and share the wealth so no one person bears the brunt of all my outbursts. But that's really as good as it's going to get.

The Good . . .

I may have said this before -- it's hard to keep track of all my pithy wittiness -- but I have been tempted, if not for the nausea-inducing self-actualizedness of it, to change my Facebook relationship status to "In a Relationship . .  . With Myself."

While this sounds like something you would hear either from that quirky side-kick in a RomCom who has been in therapy for decades, or a hippy chick who is in love with everything, it does actually represent my current status fairly accurately.

Oh, but don't cry for me Argentina! I have moments of loneliness and boredom, but I would have that in a relationship with an additional human being anyway, and I am kind of digging where I am. It really isn't over-compensation or a PollyAnna outlook for a pathetic situation. It's also not a badge of honor I am wearing like a militant Independent Woman. It just is. I am content with my life as is at the moment and I love my job and really want to put all my effort into taking my career to the next level. Also, the West is calling to me so very loudly and I am focused on getting there soon. And, in the mean time, I have some really fun projects with some truly amazing friends to keep me busy.

This doesn't mean I am not open to possibilities. It just means I am not lamenting my singleness. I honestly am just enjoying what I've got and waiting to see what is in store. The only thing about my situation that I would change at this point in time is I would like to have this life in LA.

I have been told that love finds you when you least expect it, when you aren't looking for it. I don't know if that's true.What I do know is you can't fake the "peace" or the "resignation" or "disinterest" hoping to force that little adage to manifest. (Believe me, I and several others I know have tried.) Maybe it does happen that way. Or maybe you are so not looking for it that you are oblivious when it strolls past.

Either way, I am at this place: You know when you go out to dinner and you've had a lovely meal and your server comes by and commits that criminal act of offering dessert and you think, Well, I could have dessert. I'm not completely satiated, but if I eat a whole serving of something I will be over-full. Maybe I could split something, or just have coffee. Yeah, I am not sure I want to pass on it altogether, but maybe just "coffee" is what I can do. I definitely don't have room on my plate for anything big.

At any rate. Here's the Good: My job is good. My friends are good. My family is good. My outlook is good. Anything else that is added to that mix is also going to have to be good for me or it doesn't get to be there. Why muck up a good thing with something superfluous if you don't have to have it. Keep it simple until it can't be. Kinda like taking a good cup of coffee and complicating it with the creamer and sugar and flavors and on and on. Hmm, did I go too far with the metaphor?

The Family You're Given and the Family You Choose

It's been quite a while since I posted anything, but I am working on making time again for this and my relationships in general. I wrote this over the weekend. If you are a Facebook friend you may have already seen it, but it's about relationships and worth repeating. . . .

In the last two weeks I've lost two women very dear to me -- my Aunt June and Granny Dot. June was my dad's last living sibling and Dot was like a surrogate grandmother.

At my aunt's funeral I overheard my dad say two things that not only made me ponder a lot about life (and which prompted me to write this), they also made me appreciate him and see him in a new light. To one person who had offered condolences and shared some very special memories of my aunt to him he said, "You know, there is one good thing about out living the rest of your family. You get to hear really great things like this about them that help you know them in an entirely different way." The second thing was to a woman who was a cousin by marriage. He said, "Thank you for loving and taking care of my family." I wept each time because it offered some insights into things my stoic dad keeps to himself and revealed some really important life lessons.

The first is that the family we are given is, in fact, a gift. (Granted, it's sometimes a gift you'd like to return.) Regardless of how you get along with them, it is the foundation for who you are. You rarely get to be as raw and exposed with anyone else the way you are with family. The rest of the world sees the "you" you want them to see. We wouldn't dare display to colleagues, acquaintances, service people, neighbors, or friends the harsh honesty and the TMI stuff we do with our kin. For better or for worse, they are with us from beginning to end.

But, your friends are a part of who you become. They shape your interests and your insights. They expose you to the world outside your insular family existence. In many cases, even though they may see only the "you" you want them to know, it's the best of you that is brought out through that. If you get to have one or two really good friends who know who you are and who you want to be and love you because of all of it, you are one of the fortunate few. Often, because families do grow apart and our lives take us in different directions, it's the friends who are there for us in later life when our family can't be there.

With each of these women I saw both realities but from different angles. With my aunt, I had that strong family bond, that inexplicable connection that is a part of sharing blood, while observing others who felt just as great a loss because they were her chosen family. With Granny Dot, I felt as though I'd lost my grandmother, even though we weren't related because she was like a mother to my dad for all these years he spent without his. She loved my family as though we were hers because she chose us.

At the end of all of this, the one thing I take away is that whether someone is dear to you because of genetic ties or life experiences, count yourself so very lucky to have had them at all.

Between the two of them, these things were said: She loved with her whole heart. When you were loved by her you had no doubt of it and were better for it. She left a legacy of people who were inspired by her, whose lives were changed by her touch, who considered themselves blessed to have known her. She lived fully, richly, and honestly. She was fiesty and called it as she saw it. She was courageous and honorable. She knew how to enjoy life.

If, at the end, I am regarded in a shadow of the light they were, I will know I lived a good life. If I have had an impact on half the lives they did, I will know I have done well. If I experience even a fraction of the love they did, I will die complete.

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your K.I.S.S.

I had an interesting conversation with my 15-year-old son today. I was sharing with him why I haven't really dated much. I said I really hadn't had many who were worthy of my time, and more importantly worthy of being a part of his life. At that point he looked at me, smiled, and said, "I like _____" and winked at me. Yes, he actually winked at me! I had to laugh. Then I had to explain that _____ was a wonderful man and he would always be able to know him, but it wasn't likely there would be more to our relationship than friendship.

It made me feel a little silly trying to explain to him that somethings aren't as simple as checking the Yes, No, or Maybe box in the note passed to you in class. Wouldn't it be nice if we could simplify our adult relationships a little more? We add so many layers of baggage and expectation to our already busy, over-taxed lives. I will say, he is entering that over-complicated phase where there is drama upon drama upon drama. Teenage girls seem to find ways to elevate this to an art-form, and we only fine-tune it as we age. It's was really interesting to see how insufferable he finds this and to discover how irritating it is to me as well . . . and . . . that is when the lightbulb went on.

I can honestly admit I created my fair share, though I do believe I am one of the more low-maintenance types out there. (I did have one guy tell me once that I was the Sally kind of high-maintenance -- I think I'm low-maintenance, but really I'm high-maintenance. The thing is, we never even dated, so I don't really know why he said that.) I am particular and I have very high standards; but, really, if you've survived this long without a relationship, why settle for something just to fill the void?!

My point in all that is that I am at the place in life where I really want to re-simplify things. I titled this blog with a nod to a great song by a master lyricist, and an even bigger hint at an old saying. "K.I.S.S." - Keep It Simple, Stupid! (or Keep It Short and Simple). The funny thing is the lyrics of that Prince song kind of embody that principle and my mantra for relationships in my mid-life (crisis?):

Kiss U don’t have 2 be rich 2 be my girl U don’t have 2 be cool 2 rule my world Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with I just want your extra time and your . . . kiss. Women not girls rule my world I said they rule my world Act your age, mama (not your shoe size) Not your shoe size Maybe we could do the twirl U don’t have 2 watch Dynasty 2 have an attitude U just leave it all up 2 me My love will be your food Yeah U don’t have 2 be rich 2 be my girl U don’t have 2 be cool 2 rule my world Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with I just want your extra time and your . . . kiss.

If I can find a man who is genuinely as problem free as I want to be, it could be a match made in heaven, but I'm not holding my breath because the reality is it isn't just the women who fabricate the drama. Men get pretty good at it too.

To borrow the words of Prince, I just want your extra time (because I have crap to do too!) and your kiss (because it really is that simple).

And, so, I leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl6jq38K3-M&feature=related

King of the Road

Just a little while ago I posed a question on my Facebook wall because I am preparing for a business trip and have been pondering the ordeal involved in leaving town for a few days. I was wondering if anyone could really pick up and take off at a moment's notice. I asked if there was anyone who didn't have details to cover before they could travel, be it spouse/partner, child, pet, time off from work, laundry, filling travel-sized toiletry bottles . . .

The thing is, even in this age of facility and technological advancement, we still have stuff that tethers us to home, things that make us encumbered. Maybe there are those out there who truly do live that unfettered, bohemian way of life that means you can indulge your wanderlust and go where the wind blows you. But when you come to the end of the road -- perhaps proverbial, perhaps literal -- there is a cost. It means there are no attachments, no fetters, no ties, which isn't always a good thing.

Don't get me wrong. If you are a loner and you are okay with that, more power to you. Be the one we write great epic poems and pithy soul-searching novels about. But, most people were designed for commune (not necessarily to live in a hippy commune) with other humans. We were meant to build and thrive on relationships. We were made for each other.

There is nothing wrong with forming lasting bonds with the people around you. In fact, good or bad those bonds really enrich life. Relationships are complicated, yes. But it's how we grow. It's how we learn. It's how we experience all it means to be human.

It's one thing to be weighed down by stuff -- bobbles, chotchkes, gee-gaws, knick-knacks, and general crap. And, really, that can be the stuff in your household or the stuff in your relationships. Many relationships are filled with trinkets to symbolize a love that is never fully or effectively expressed.

It's a different thing altogether to be surrounded by and invested in people or animals who care for and depend on you. So, I guess I'm saying take an inventory of the stuff in your life and evaluate whether or not it's something worth the amount of time it slows you down for jumping on the next train to wherever. If you don't care whether or not it's there when you come back, maybe it shouldn't be taking up space in your life at all (that goes for people too). If you feel the need to make sure it receives the proper care and attention while you're gone, protect it. Guard it. Make plans before you go anywhere to see that what you cherish is safe.

With that said, I have to start packing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmOe27SJ3Yc

It's the Little Things

About twenty years ago I found a book called "10,000 Things to Be Happy About" by Barbara Ann Kipfer. I made a practice of keeping a copy around that I could give to someone when it seemed they might be in need of such a thing. It's exactly how it sounds. It's a list of 10,000 things that make the author happy; everything from puppy breath to lichen to baby oil to fast-food meal toy collecting and everything in between. Some of them are the typical things that prompt those warm fuzzies for most people. Some of them are very particular to her. The reason I gave this book away was because I always felt it was good to be able to find gratitude even in the darkest of hours. This book was a point of inspiration so they could begin to find their own happy things.

I know this is a rather Pollyanna-esque attitude, but it works. It is so easy to become self-absorbed when you are licking wounds that it's hard to find your way out. Gratitude for the little things is one way to start the journey back. It allows you to see things with a fresh perspective, to realize most things aren't as insurmountable as they seem, to discover the things in life that matter. It puts things in their proper place.

I think the same approach is necessary for relationships. We forget to show gratitude for the little things. We neglect to do small acts of kindness for those we love. We take so much for granted that we can't remember that we aren't really entitled to any of it. It's all a gift. When was the last time you told your partner how much they mean to you on a day that wasn't a nationally appointed holiday? How long has it been since you just hugged your friend because you could? What if you started telling your child every day how proud you are to be their parent, not because of their good grades or sports accomplishments, but just because you are glad to know them?

Start keeping a list of the little things that make you happy and you just might find there is this weird feeling creeping in that could overtake and consume you. It's called joy. It's also known as contentment. Maybe it could even be peace. Those are things in short supply these days. Life is too short to exist in turmoil. Find something to be happy about, even if it's just a really good cup of coffee -- which, of course, for coffee addicts is no small thing!

I have many happinesses, but stopped making a list a long time ago. I think I will get back on that. At the top of my list will be my favorite quote from the book:

"Let me bring lollipops and confetti and silly things and place them at your feet."

The reason I like this so much is it's about serendipity -- the gift of finding pleasant things unsought (also defined as inner peace) -- and then sharing that which is serendipitous with someone else. I like the word, the concept of serendipity so much it was my first tattoo nearly two decades ago.

I had forgotten about the above quote for many years and several months ago I went looking to find it again to no avail. While I was in the shower tonight it crept back up from the recesses of my brain and resonated so clearly it was as if someone whispered it in my ear. I'd say that's pretty serendipitous, wouldn't you? With that, I give you the newly resumed list (in progress):

my light-green warm and fuzzy bathrobe that I forgot was in my closet

a day when my To Do List gets done

those rare moments when my teenage son thinks i'm cool

ranunculus

the way my friends feel at home in my home

brand-spankin new school supplies

the perfect bite (of food)

being validated in my work

good, stimulating conversation

the first bit of pressure from a massage that lets you know they know what they're doing

feeling smart

a cold drink of water after a fierce workout

snuggling

driving with the lid open playing roadtrip music perfection

painted toenails in every color of the rainbow (and some that don't occur in nature)

a long awaited album from a favorite musician

warm buttered bread

lists . . .

The Agony and the Ecstasy

Exquisite. This word has been stuck in my head all day. I don't know why. I don't recall reading it anywhere or hearing it on television. But there it is, echoing over and over as if it's on a loop. The funny thing about saying a word multiple times is that it usually starts sounding really bizarre, but this one still sounds, well . . . exquisite.

I looked it up. I know what it means, but I wanted to see if there were any archaic or obsolete meanings that might put a new spin on it and to see the etymology. No big surprises in the definition, except I forgot about the negative connotation in which it can be used. Normally we think: Oh, she has exquisite taste in jewelry. But, you can also say: He felt exquisite pain. (Or, left an Exquisite Corpse . . . a shout out to my Hedwig pals) -- meaning it was acute or intense. The etymology, however, was a little unexpected. It's origin is Latin and is the past participle of "to seek out." So, exquisite is something intrinsically sought after. Interesting. It makes sense, though. I think we are, obviously, drawn to intense beauty. But is that really the same thing for everyone?

There have been a few occasions recently where one of my dear friends has commented that we would never fight over a guy because our tastes are so very different. (Nevermind the fact that we wouldn't be competing for the same boys anyway since his would not be interested in me.) In every circumstance I recognized certain aspects of these men that were appealing, but not enough to make me swoon, certainly not enough to make me fight my friend for them. Then I had a conversation with my best (female) friend about this subject and I observed that we would fight over the same guys, then I realized it would only be the celebrity crushes. We don't like the same types of real guys.

So, what does that say? For one thing, I think it demonstrates my earlier point about being drawn to intense beauty. We can't help but be drawn in by those tv and movie stars who are exquisite creatures. We dream of being them and being with them. We spend insane amounts of money and suffer ungodly torture in the attempt to mold our bodies to resemble them. (Talk about exquisite pain!)

More importantly, I think it illustrates the adage that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. I think the reason for that is true beauty lies below superficial appearance and the beauty that really catches one's eye is discovered experientially. My friends and I have a lot in common. That's one of the reasons we are friends, so it would stand to reason we would be drawn to the same types of people, right? Well, that might be true for friendship. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, when we're talking about that "thing" that makes us move heaven and earth to be with someone, it rarely follows logic. I might be able to appreciate someone and acknowledge they are attractive, but that doesn't mean I am attracted to them.

I think it really comes down to my spin on another old saying: Love at first sight. I think I've mentioned this in a previous post, but I do believe in love at first sight, I just don't know that you really see someone the first time you lay eyes on them. I think there is this moment in your interaction with someone when you see into their soul and you either like what you see or you don't. You either get them or you don't. You either see their beauty or you don't. It's that simple.

So, maybe there's no big relationship "advice" in this one, maybe just more of an observation. Or, maybe the advice is just to go with it. Don't question why you love who you love. Don't question why someone else loves who they love. Just love, because loving deeply is an exquisite experience -- exquisitely glorious and exquisitely painful all at the same time. But, isn't that what it means to truly live?

It Takes a Village

I've been observing my son navigate boyfriend/girlfriend relationships recently and I am very fascinated (if not a little troubled) by his latest choice. More than that, I'm intrigued by the lack of interaction they seem to have. She is everything I despise about 14-year-old girls, everything I despised even as a 14-year-old girl; but, I fret not, because I know it will be short-lived. I'm more interested in the fact that his best friends are girls and he spends more time on the phone, going to the mall, and hanging out with them than with his "girlfriend". This is not unlike the role I found myself in through much of my life -- the side-kick, not the girlfriend.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my best friend a while ago in which we discussed the marriage dynamic and how she realized her husband could not -- and probably should not -- be all things to her. She has friends who serve as confidants and friends who offer her intellectual stimulation. There are those with whom she can go dancing, others who share in the parenting struggle, and more still who connect with her for spiritual growth.

At one point it pained her to realize that her husband wasn't her equal in certain areas, that he couldn't identify with her in others. Then she discovered that this is true with most of her relationships and that isn't necessarily problematic. We all have this romantic notion that our life partner is supposed to be, as the Queen of Soul sings, "All I need to get by." We want them to be our world and to fulfill us.

Those are really nice ideas, very idyllic fantasies; but, the reality is they just aren't life. If you have everything in common with your mate, someone isn't being honest. The idea that opposites attract is more than just a chemistry experiment or a catchy tune by Paula Abdul. It is true that being too different typically creates incompatibility, but just enough differences create an environment where each of you can grow and learn from one another.

Rather than searching for some one who will complete you, look for someone who will complement you. Note the difference: I did not say "compliment," to tell you flattering things and fluff up your ego. I mean complement - to be a companion to what you have to offer, to be compatible and work in concert.

Basically, I'm saying if you find the person you think you can't live without because they are your everything, it is highly likely you need to broaden your horizons. Don't become so consumed by someone that you no longer can tell where you end and they begin. I know the biblical notion of marriage is that two become one, but that doesn't mean you become one identity. It means your efforts are united. It means you work in unison. It means you are still who you are, they are still who they are, but you are unified in how you choose to exist.

So, have your mate and playmates too (no, I don't mean the Heff kind). Keep those other relationships alive and thriving. Let them contribute to your life and your romance. The more well-rounded you are, the better you will be to your partner, and vice-versa. (Which means, girls, don't horn in when he has they guys over to watch the game. You wouldn't want him tagging along when you go shopping with your entourage. I know -- stereotypical and sexist, but you get my point.)

Keep your friends, rely on them, and allow them to help you stay you. Afterall, the person that attracted your guy or gal is who they wanted in the first place. What makes you think they'd want to see you give that up?

Because, we all know that song "All of Me" doesn't have the happiest of endings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P0hG3sD0-E

(and since I mentioned it . . . )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_USIBgm2Rk

She Blinded Me With Science

I went to my physical therapy assessment today, post surgery on my shoulder. Even though it was an inconsiderate assault on my already brutalized appendage, it was an opportunity to begin moving it around a little -- something I thought I wouldn't be allowed to do for a month. One of the "exercises" she prescribed as a warm-up was an activity where I would let my arm hang limp and allow it to swing like a pendulum. As I am want to do, I started wondering about the aspects of a pendulum, so I looked it up -- another practice to which I am prone.

Well, a pendulum is something that hangs from a fixed point, and when it is pulled back and released, is free to swing down by force of gravity and then out and up because of its inertia. AND, inertia is a law of physics that a body in motion will remain in motion, and a body at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by an outside force.

So, of course that made me think: boy, this is not only literally applicable to my physical being, but metaphorically applicable to my psyche. I wouldn't say I've exactly been dormant lately, but I certainly haven't been aggressively propelled into motion and have just kind of been riding that wave. As I am now starting to put motion into my shoulder, I am thinking it is probably about time that I not be so passive about the motion in my relationships.

I believe we have a tendency to become complaisant, just going along for the ride once we set something in motion and forget to be an active participant. We settle into being the body in motion instead of being the outside force acting upon it. We neglect our responsibility in keeping the body in motion.

There is a whole lot of sciency stuff about the types of pendula (?) that exist and how they are used that would probably help my little metaphor along, and I know there are a number of factors that help in calculating how long it will swing and in what direction and things like that, but I'm not a scientist for a very good reason. But, what I do know is that it can end up being wonky and swing without rhythm -- called chaotic motion. Think of a child on a swing and how easily it can begin to twist and turn.

What does all that mean? It means, once we begin a relationship, we often assume it is going to propel itself, that we don't have to participate in a deliberate way, relying on the laws of physics to keep it going; but, just as the kid on the swing, if the force that keeps them in motion is applied with uneven pressure -- say, if you push with only one hand, or don't follow through on the motion -- the oscillation is no longer harmonic.

It's okay to get out of balance on occasion. I loved to get the spin going on a swing. It makes it more exciting than the simple back and forth. But, if you are careless about it or let it go too long, what happens is you end up with such torsion that it makes you sick, you pinch your fingers in the chain, and you lose momentum. When you swing too high, you end up losing the tension in the rope, the trajectory is off, and you flop down in a jerk.

The point is, relationships don't stay in steady motion on their own and the wrong kind of outside influence can get them off track. You have to be actively involved. You have to check the propulsion. Sometimes you have to give it a gentle, balanced nudge. You have to be mindful of the direction and monitor the velocity of the swing. It's a dance and it kinda makes me think of the old Thomas Dolby song, because when you get it right, it can be poetry in motion.