The Ugly . . .

Well, here it is. The naked ugly truth. Love is a very selfish enterprise. I am reminded of the episode of "Friends" where Phoebe and Joey were debating the legitimacy of altruistic behavior. Can you truly commit a selfless act? Even in doing for others, we are never completely and totally selfless. Even if all we get out of it is a "good feeling," that renders it self-serving. The episode ensued with Phobe trying to prove Joey wrong in this perspective so much so that she started doing things for people that were not merely self-sacrificial, but actually personally painful to make her argument. Yet, he countered with the point that now that she is consciously making an effort to do a kindness that is detrimental to her so she can not feel selfish,  that is in itself a self-serving act.

So, what does that have to do with anything? Well, it speaks to an epiphany I have had over the last few days. From a very pragmatic, if unromantic, perspective, we have a tendency to be very self-serving. We never want to be dumped, often to such a degree that we race to the end of a relationship just so we can be the one who walks away rather than being the one who gets left. Whether or not we want a lifetime with someone, we are driven by the egotistical need to be the center of someone's universe. We may not want them, may know that this is not the person we are supposed to be with, but that doesn't mean we don't have this unspoken desire for them to drift into eternity longing for us with that unrequited love. Don't pretend you haven't thought it. It might not be the most admirable of feelings, but it is human.

So, seriously, is this wrong? Is this tragically cynical? Is this excessive negativity? No, I really don't think so. I do think it explains why it makes it so very hard to move on at times. It is the irrational reason for clinging to something that wasn't meant to be. It is the unproductive motivation for analyzing and over-analyzing what someone says and does to try and get at what "might have been." We talk a lot about closure and while I hate over-used psycho-therapy speech, I will use this term for what is epidemic. We need to close a book on a relationship -- and I mean WE need to be the one to close that book, to decide when the story ends. If someone takes the book away from us, or if the book stops abruptly, or perhaps pages are missing, it is impossible to let it lie. We will track down another copy, go ask others what you missed, rent the movie just to have CLOSURE.

It is never easy to be rejected. It is even harder to be rejected when you had your foot out the door but the other person beats you to the punch. So, what do we do with that? Well, first we get really honest with ourselves. Whether you are the hanger-on or you are the one racing to the door, it is important to face up to the fact that matters of the heart very rarely get at the heart of the matter. We are so motivated by selfish interests and self-preservation that we are loathe to fully surrender to the potential of a relationship and we avoid seeing them for what they are and calling them what they are when we aren't willing to surrender the hold we have over someone else to move on and let them do the same.

Once we have the ugly truth before us, we can begin to do another little dance to the tune of  the Serenity Prayer and "accept the things you cannot change (about yourself, your partner, or the relationship), have courage to change the things you can (about how you approach relationships), and find the wisdom to know the difference (between love, convenience, and the fear of being alone.)"

The Bad . . .

So, here's the bad news. I am failing. I am a big fat failure. I have tried and tried and cannot master the art of keeping my mouth shut. I promise myself and others that I will hold my tongue when there is nothing good to come of speaking up. And, I am no good at it.

It is destructive to relationships and detrimental to trust. A wise man I encountered not long ago shared a quote his dad often recited: "Always tell the truth, just don't always be telling it." That is some wisdom I would so very much like to embrace, but I get in my own way over and over again.

I apologize, promise to do better, intend to do better, and then get lured back up onto my soapbox. Maybe it's under the guise of concern that I rant. Maybe it's through the misguided notion of teaching that I rave. Perhaps it is through the blindly arrogant notion of sharing wisdom that I pontificate. Most likely it is from insecurity, fear, and uncontrolled rage that I go on for days purging my frustrations and venting my aggravations. Whatever the motivation or intention, it only serves to alienate the ones I am most hoping to draw near in the process.

I'd like to say I am turning over a new leaf, but I know that would be an empty promise. I get my hackles up over injustice and I tilt at windmills and I talk through my feelings and I over-share. I'd like to think I can rein it in, but then I ask myself: Do I really want to? Am I wrong to feel passionately about the things that move me to words and action? Is it so bad to want to fix what is broken?

For the sake of my relationships, I will make an effort to tone it down, be more selective in my audience, and share the wealth so no one person bears the brunt of all my outbursts. But that's really as good as it's going to get.

The Good . . .

I may have said this before -- it's hard to keep track of all my pithy wittiness -- but I have been tempted, if not for the nausea-inducing self-actualizedness of it, to change my Facebook relationship status to "In a Relationship . .  . With Myself."

While this sounds like something you would hear either from that quirky side-kick in a RomCom who has been in therapy for decades, or a hippy chick who is in love with everything, it does actually represent my current status fairly accurately.

Oh, but don't cry for me Argentina! I have moments of loneliness and boredom, but I would have that in a relationship with an additional human being anyway, and I am kind of digging where I am. It really isn't over-compensation or a PollyAnna outlook for a pathetic situation. It's also not a badge of honor I am wearing like a militant Independent Woman. It just is. I am content with my life as is at the moment and I love my job and really want to put all my effort into taking my career to the next level. Also, the West is calling to me so very loudly and I am focused on getting there soon. And, in the mean time, I have some really fun projects with some truly amazing friends to keep me busy.

This doesn't mean I am not open to possibilities. It just means I am not lamenting my singleness. I honestly am just enjoying what I've got and waiting to see what is in store. The only thing about my situation that I would change at this point in time is I would like to have this life in LA.

I have been told that love finds you when you least expect it, when you aren't looking for it. I don't know if that's true.What I do know is you can't fake the "peace" or the "resignation" or "disinterest" hoping to force that little adage to manifest. (Believe me, I and several others I know have tried.) Maybe it does happen that way. Or maybe you are so not looking for it that you are oblivious when it strolls past.

Either way, I am at this place: You know when you go out to dinner and you've had a lovely meal and your server comes by and commits that criminal act of offering dessert and you think, Well, I could have dessert. I'm not completely satiated, but if I eat a whole serving of something I will be over-full. Maybe I could split something, or just have coffee. Yeah, I am not sure I want to pass on it altogether, but maybe just "coffee" is what I can do. I definitely don't have room on my plate for anything big.

At any rate. Here's the Good: My job is good. My friends are good. My family is good. My outlook is good. Anything else that is added to that mix is also going to have to be good for me or it doesn't get to be there. Why muck up a good thing with something superfluous if you don't have to have it. Keep it simple until it can't be. Kinda like taking a good cup of coffee and complicating it with the creamer and sugar and flavors and on and on. Hmm, did I go too far with the metaphor?

The Family You're Given and the Family You Choose

It's been quite a while since I posted anything, but I am working on making time again for this and my relationships in general. I wrote this over the weekend. If you are a Facebook friend you may have already seen it, but it's about relationships and worth repeating. . . .

In the last two weeks I've lost two women very dear to me -- my Aunt June and Granny Dot. June was my dad's last living sibling and Dot was like a surrogate grandmother.

At my aunt's funeral I overheard my dad say two things that not only made me ponder a lot about life (and which prompted me to write this), they also made me appreciate him and see him in a new light. To one person who had offered condolences and shared some very special memories of my aunt to him he said, "You know, there is one good thing about out living the rest of your family. You get to hear really great things like this about them that help you know them in an entirely different way." The second thing was to a woman who was a cousin by marriage. He said, "Thank you for loving and taking care of my family." I wept each time because it offered some insights into things my stoic dad keeps to himself and revealed some really important life lessons.

The first is that the family we are given is, in fact, a gift. (Granted, it's sometimes a gift you'd like to return.) Regardless of how you get along with them, it is the foundation for who you are. You rarely get to be as raw and exposed with anyone else the way you are with family. The rest of the world sees the "you" you want them to see. We wouldn't dare display to colleagues, acquaintances, service people, neighbors, or friends the harsh honesty and the TMI stuff we do with our kin. For better or for worse, they are with us from beginning to end.

But, your friends are a part of who you become. They shape your interests and your insights. They expose you to the world outside your insular family existence. In many cases, even though they may see only the "you" you want them to know, it's the best of you that is brought out through that. If you get to have one or two really good friends who know who you are and who you want to be and love you because of all of it, you are one of the fortunate few. Often, because families do grow apart and our lives take us in different directions, it's the friends who are there for us in later life when our family can't be there.

With each of these women I saw both realities but from different angles. With my aunt, I had that strong family bond, that inexplicable connection that is a part of sharing blood, while observing others who felt just as great a loss because they were her chosen family. With Granny Dot, I felt as though I'd lost my grandmother, even though we weren't related because she was like a mother to my dad for all these years he spent without his. She loved my family as though we were hers because she chose us.

At the end of all of this, the one thing I take away is that whether someone is dear to you because of genetic ties or life experiences, count yourself so very lucky to have had them at all.

Between the two of them, these things were said: She loved with her whole heart. When you were loved by her you had no doubt of it and were better for it. She left a legacy of people who were inspired by her, whose lives were changed by her touch, who considered themselves blessed to have known her. She lived fully, richly, and honestly. She was fiesty and called it as she saw it. She was courageous and honorable. She knew how to enjoy life.

If, at the end, I am regarded in a shadow of the light they were, I will know I lived a good life. If I have had an impact on half the lives they did, I will know I have done well. If I experience even a fraction of the love they did, I will die complete.

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your K.I.S.S.

I had an interesting conversation with my 15-year-old son today. I was sharing with him why I haven't really dated much. I said I really hadn't had many who were worthy of my time, and more importantly worthy of being a part of his life. At that point he looked at me, smiled, and said, "I like _____" and winked at me. Yes, he actually winked at me! I had to laugh. Then I had to explain that _____ was a wonderful man and he would always be able to know him, but it wasn't likely there would be more to our relationship than friendship.

It made me feel a little silly trying to explain to him that somethings aren't as simple as checking the Yes, No, or Maybe box in the note passed to you in class. Wouldn't it be nice if we could simplify our adult relationships a little more? We add so many layers of baggage and expectation to our already busy, over-taxed lives. I will say, he is entering that over-complicated phase where there is drama upon drama upon drama. Teenage girls seem to find ways to elevate this to an art-form, and we only fine-tune it as we age. It's was really interesting to see how insufferable he finds this and to discover how irritating it is to me as well . . . and . . . that is when the lightbulb went on.

I can honestly admit I created my fair share, though I do believe I am one of the more low-maintenance types out there. (I did have one guy tell me once that I was the Sally kind of high-maintenance -- I think I'm low-maintenance, but really I'm high-maintenance. The thing is, we never even dated, so I don't really know why he said that.) I am particular and I have very high standards; but, really, if you've survived this long without a relationship, why settle for something just to fill the void?!

My point in all that is that I am at the place in life where I really want to re-simplify things. I titled this blog with a nod to a great song by a master lyricist, and an even bigger hint at an old saying. "K.I.S.S." - Keep It Simple, Stupid! (or Keep It Short and Simple). The funny thing is the lyrics of that Prince song kind of embody that principle and my mantra for relationships in my mid-life (crisis?):

Kiss U don’t have 2 be rich 2 be my girl U don’t have 2 be cool 2 rule my world Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with I just want your extra time and your . . . kiss. Women not girls rule my world I said they rule my world Act your age, mama (not your shoe size) Not your shoe size Maybe we could do the twirl U don’t have 2 watch Dynasty 2 have an attitude U just leave it all up 2 me My love will be your food Yeah U don’t have 2 be rich 2 be my girl U don’t have 2 be cool 2 rule my world Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with I just want your extra time and your . . . kiss.

If I can find a man who is genuinely as problem free as I want to be, it could be a match made in heaven, but I'm not holding my breath because the reality is it isn't just the women who fabricate the drama. Men get pretty good at it too.

To borrow the words of Prince, I just want your extra time (because I have crap to do too!) and your kiss (because it really is that simple).

And, so, I leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl6jq38K3-M&feature=related

King of the Road

Just a little while ago I posed a question on my Facebook wall because I am preparing for a business trip and have been pondering the ordeal involved in leaving town for a few days. I was wondering if anyone could really pick up and take off at a moment's notice. I asked if there was anyone who didn't have details to cover before they could travel, be it spouse/partner, child, pet, time off from work, laundry, filling travel-sized toiletry bottles . . .

The thing is, even in this age of facility and technological advancement, we still have stuff that tethers us to home, things that make us encumbered. Maybe there are those out there who truly do live that unfettered, bohemian way of life that means you can indulge your wanderlust and go where the wind blows you. But when you come to the end of the road -- perhaps proverbial, perhaps literal -- there is a cost. It means there are no attachments, no fetters, no ties, which isn't always a good thing.

Don't get me wrong. If you are a loner and you are okay with that, more power to you. Be the one we write great epic poems and pithy soul-searching novels about. But, most people were designed for commune (not necessarily to live in a hippy commune) with other humans. We were meant to build and thrive on relationships. We were made for each other.

There is nothing wrong with forming lasting bonds with the people around you. In fact, good or bad those bonds really enrich life. Relationships are complicated, yes. But it's how we grow. It's how we learn. It's how we experience all it means to be human.

It's one thing to be weighed down by stuff -- bobbles, chotchkes, gee-gaws, knick-knacks, and general crap. And, really, that can be the stuff in your household or the stuff in your relationships. Many relationships are filled with trinkets to symbolize a love that is never fully or effectively expressed.

It's a different thing altogether to be surrounded by and invested in people or animals who care for and depend on you. So, I guess I'm saying take an inventory of the stuff in your life and evaluate whether or not it's something worth the amount of time it slows you down for jumping on the next train to wherever. If you don't care whether or not it's there when you come back, maybe it shouldn't be taking up space in your life at all (that goes for people too). If you feel the need to make sure it receives the proper care and attention while you're gone, protect it. Guard it. Make plans before you go anywhere to see that what you cherish is safe.

With that said, I have to start packing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmOe27SJ3Yc

It's the Little Things

About twenty years ago I found a book called "10,000 Things to Be Happy About" by Barbara Ann Kipfer. I made a practice of keeping a copy around that I could give to someone when it seemed they might be in need of such a thing. It's exactly how it sounds. It's a list of 10,000 things that make the author happy; everything from puppy breath to lichen to baby oil to fast-food meal toy collecting and everything in between. Some of them are the typical things that prompt those warm fuzzies for most people. Some of them are very particular to her. The reason I gave this book away was because I always felt it was good to be able to find gratitude even in the darkest of hours. This book was a point of inspiration so they could begin to find their own happy things.

I know this is a rather Pollyanna-esque attitude, but it works. It is so easy to become self-absorbed when you are licking wounds that it's hard to find your way out. Gratitude for the little things is one way to start the journey back. It allows you to see things with a fresh perspective, to realize most things aren't as insurmountable as they seem, to discover the things in life that matter. It puts things in their proper place.

I think the same approach is necessary for relationships. We forget to show gratitude for the little things. We neglect to do small acts of kindness for those we love. We take so much for granted that we can't remember that we aren't really entitled to any of it. It's all a gift. When was the last time you told your partner how much they mean to you on a day that wasn't a nationally appointed holiday? How long has it been since you just hugged your friend because you could? What if you started telling your child every day how proud you are to be their parent, not because of their good grades or sports accomplishments, but just because you are glad to know them?

Start keeping a list of the little things that make you happy and you just might find there is this weird feeling creeping in that could overtake and consume you. It's called joy. It's also known as contentment. Maybe it could even be peace. Those are things in short supply these days. Life is too short to exist in turmoil. Find something to be happy about, even if it's just a really good cup of coffee -- which, of course, for coffee addicts is no small thing!

I have many happinesses, but stopped making a list a long time ago. I think I will get back on that. At the top of my list will be my favorite quote from the book:

"Let me bring lollipops and confetti and silly things and place them at your feet."

The reason I like this so much is it's about serendipity -- the gift of finding pleasant things unsought (also defined as inner peace) -- and then sharing that which is serendipitous with someone else. I like the word, the concept of serendipity so much it was my first tattoo nearly two decades ago.

I had forgotten about the above quote for many years and several months ago I went looking to find it again to no avail. While I was in the shower tonight it crept back up from the recesses of my brain and resonated so clearly it was as if someone whispered it in my ear. I'd say that's pretty serendipitous, wouldn't you? With that, I give you the newly resumed list (in progress):

my light-green warm and fuzzy bathrobe that I forgot was in my closet

a day when my To Do List gets done

those rare moments when my teenage son thinks i'm cool

ranunculus

the way my friends feel at home in my home

brand-spankin new school supplies

the perfect bite (of food)

being validated in my work

good, stimulating conversation

the first bit of pressure from a massage that lets you know they know what they're doing

feeling smart

a cold drink of water after a fierce workout

snuggling

driving with the lid open playing roadtrip music perfection

painted toenails in every color of the rainbow (and some that don't occur in nature)

a long awaited album from a favorite musician

warm buttered bread

lists . . .

The Agony and the Ecstasy

Exquisite. This word has been stuck in my head all day. I don't know why. I don't recall reading it anywhere or hearing it on television. But there it is, echoing over and over as if it's on a loop. The funny thing about saying a word multiple times is that it usually starts sounding really bizarre, but this one still sounds, well . . . exquisite.

I looked it up. I know what it means, but I wanted to see if there were any archaic or obsolete meanings that might put a new spin on it and to see the etymology. No big surprises in the definition, except I forgot about the negative connotation in which it can be used. Normally we think: Oh, she has exquisite taste in jewelry. But, you can also say: He felt exquisite pain. (Or, left an Exquisite Corpse . . . a shout out to my Hedwig pals) -- meaning it was acute or intense. The etymology, however, was a little unexpected. It's origin is Latin and is the past participle of "to seek out." So, exquisite is something intrinsically sought after. Interesting. It makes sense, though. I think we are, obviously, drawn to intense beauty. But is that really the same thing for everyone?

There have been a few occasions recently where one of my dear friends has commented that we would never fight over a guy because our tastes are so very different. (Nevermind the fact that we wouldn't be competing for the same boys anyway since his would not be interested in me.) In every circumstance I recognized certain aspects of these men that were appealing, but not enough to make me swoon, certainly not enough to make me fight my friend for them. Then I had a conversation with my best (female) friend about this subject and I observed that we would fight over the same guys, then I realized it would only be the celebrity crushes. We don't like the same types of real guys.

So, what does that say? For one thing, I think it demonstrates my earlier point about being drawn to intense beauty. We can't help but be drawn in by those tv and movie stars who are exquisite creatures. We dream of being them and being with them. We spend insane amounts of money and suffer ungodly torture in the attempt to mold our bodies to resemble them. (Talk about exquisite pain!)

More importantly, I think it illustrates the adage that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. I think the reason for that is true beauty lies below superficial appearance and the beauty that really catches one's eye is discovered experientially. My friends and I have a lot in common. That's one of the reasons we are friends, so it would stand to reason we would be drawn to the same types of people, right? Well, that might be true for friendship. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, when we're talking about that "thing" that makes us move heaven and earth to be with someone, it rarely follows logic. I might be able to appreciate someone and acknowledge they are attractive, but that doesn't mean I am attracted to them.

I think it really comes down to my spin on another old saying: Love at first sight. I think I've mentioned this in a previous post, but I do believe in love at first sight, I just don't know that you really see someone the first time you lay eyes on them. I think there is this moment in your interaction with someone when you see into their soul and you either like what you see or you don't. You either get them or you don't. You either see their beauty or you don't. It's that simple.

So, maybe there's no big relationship "advice" in this one, maybe just more of an observation. Or, maybe the advice is just to go with it. Don't question why you love who you love. Don't question why someone else loves who they love. Just love, because loving deeply is an exquisite experience -- exquisitely glorious and exquisitely painful all at the same time. But, isn't that what it means to truly live?

It Takes a Village

I've been observing my son navigate boyfriend/girlfriend relationships recently and I am very fascinated (if not a little troubled) by his latest choice. More than that, I'm intrigued by the lack of interaction they seem to have. She is everything I despise about 14-year-old girls, everything I despised even as a 14-year-old girl; but, I fret not, because I know it will be short-lived. I'm more interested in the fact that his best friends are girls and he spends more time on the phone, going to the mall, and hanging out with them than with his "girlfriend". This is not unlike the role I found myself in through much of my life -- the side-kick, not the girlfriend.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my best friend a while ago in which we discussed the marriage dynamic and how she realized her husband could not -- and probably should not -- be all things to her. She has friends who serve as confidants and friends who offer her intellectual stimulation. There are those with whom she can go dancing, others who share in the parenting struggle, and more still who connect with her for spiritual growth.

At one point it pained her to realize that her husband wasn't her equal in certain areas, that he couldn't identify with her in others. Then she discovered that this is true with most of her relationships and that isn't necessarily problematic. We all have this romantic notion that our life partner is supposed to be, as the Queen of Soul sings, "All I need to get by." We want them to be our world and to fulfill us.

Those are really nice ideas, very idyllic fantasies; but, the reality is they just aren't life. If you have everything in common with your mate, someone isn't being honest. The idea that opposites attract is more than just a chemistry experiment or a catchy tune by Paula Abdul. It is true that being too different typically creates incompatibility, but just enough differences create an environment where each of you can grow and learn from one another.

Rather than searching for some one who will complete you, look for someone who will complement you. Note the difference: I did not say "compliment," to tell you flattering things and fluff up your ego. I mean complement - to be a companion to what you have to offer, to be compatible and work in concert.

Basically, I'm saying if you find the person you think you can't live without because they are your everything, it is highly likely you need to broaden your horizons. Don't become so consumed by someone that you no longer can tell where you end and they begin. I know the biblical notion of marriage is that two become one, but that doesn't mean you become one identity. It means your efforts are united. It means you work in unison. It means you are still who you are, they are still who they are, but you are unified in how you choose to exist.

So, have your mate and playmates too (no, I don't mean the Heff kind). Keep those other relationships alive and thriving. Let them contribute to your life and your romance. The more well-rounded you are, the better you will be to your partner, and vice-versa. (Which means, girls, don't horn in when he has they guys over to watch the game. You wouldn't want him tagging along when you go shopping with your entourage. I know -- stereotypical and sexist, but you get my point.)

Keep your friends, rely on them, and allow them to help you stay you. Afterall, the person that attracted your guy or gal is who they wanted in the first place. What makes you think they'd want to see you give that up?

Because, we all know that song "All of Me" doesn't have the happiest of endings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P0hG3sD0-E

(and since I mentioned it . . . )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_USIBgm2Rk

She Blinded Me With Science

I went to my physical therapy assessment today, post surgery on my shoulder. Even though it was an inconsiderate assault on my already brutalized appendage, it was an opportunity to begin moving it around a little -- something I thought I wouldn't be allowed to do for a month. One of the "exercises" she prescribed as a warm-up was an activity where I would let my arm hang limp and allow it to swing like a pendulum. As I am want to do, I started wondering about the aspects of a pendulum, so I looked it up -- another practice to which I am prone.

Well, a pendulum is something that hangs from a fixed point, and when it is pulled back and released, is free to swing down by force of gravity and then out and up because of its inertia. AND, inertia is a law of physics that a body in motion will remain in motion, and a body at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by an outside force.

So, of course that made me think: boy, this is not only literally applicable to my physical being, but metaphorically applicable to my psyche. I wouldn't say I've exactly been dormant lately, but I certainly haven't been aggressively propelled into motion and have just kind of been riding that wave. As I am now starting to put motion into my shoulder, I am thinking it is probably about time that I not be so passive about the motion in my relationships.

I believe we have a tendency to become complaisant, just going along for the ride once we set something in motion and forget to be an active participant. We settle into being the body in motion instead of being the outside force acting upon it. We neglect our responsibility in keeping the body in motion.

There is a whole lot of sciency stuff about the types of pendula (?) that exist and how they are used that would probably help my little metaphor along, and I know there are a number of factors that help in calculating how long it will swing and in what direction and things like that, but I'm not a scientist for a very good reason. But, what I do know is that it can end up being wonky and swing without rhythm -- called chaotic motion. Think of a child on a swing and how easily it can begin to twist and turn.

What does all that mean? It means, once we begin a relationship, we often assume it is going to propel itself, that we don't have to participate in a deliberate way, relying on the laws of physics to keep it going; but, just as the kid on the swing, if the force that keeps them in motion is applied with uneven pressure -- say, if you push with only one hand, or don't follow through on the motion -- the oscillation is no longer harmonic.

It's okay to get out of balance on occasion. I loved to get the spin going on a swing. It makes it more exciting than the simple back and forth. But, if you are careless about it or let it go too long, what happens is you end up with such torsion that it makes you sick, you pinch your fingers in the chain, and you lose momentum. When you swing too high, you end up losing the tension in the rope, the trajectory is off, and you flop down in a jerk.

The point is, relationships don't stay in steady motion on their own and the wrong kind of outside influence can get them off track. You have to be actively involved. You have to check the propulsion. Sometimes you have to give it a gentle, balanced nudge. You have to be mindful of the direction and monitor the velocity of the swing. It's a dance and it kinda makes me think of the old Thomas Dolby song, because when you get it right, it can be poetry in motion.

Use Your Words!

I try not to be too self-indulgent in my posts, to use this as a platform to gripe about pet-peeves, or to take up personal issues. But, I have to take a moment to address a disturbing trend. It's this tendency for people to type in Facebook, Twitter, Email, etc. the non-word "Meh." What the hell is that?! I know it is an attempt to spell a guttural utterance, a grumbling sound. But why? I find it incredibly annoying that this is getting legs under it such that it's become a "thing."

Have we truly lost the ability to communicate verbally? Are we reduced to muttering and mumbling responses? It reminds me of a practice in Montessori schools. When your child is developing their verbal skills and you begin cultivating your spoken communication you are taught to instruct your child to "use your words" rather than grunting and pointing to get across what they want or need. I am beginning to think speaking, along with writing, is becoming a lost art.

Being able to express yourself effectively is crucial to survival in the business world. More and more companies are recognizing the short-comings of their employees and enrolling them in training to improve their written and verbal skills. I think the same needs to happen for us in our personal relationships as well. We need to start holding seminars on "The Dictionary: It's Not Just a Foot Rest," or "Wordplay: It's the New Foreplay," or "Grunting Is For After You Get Me In Bed," or "A Thesaurus is Not a Giant Lizard." (I actually have that one on a bumper sticker!)

Language is so incredibly nuanced as it is, when we stop using actual words altogether it makes it nearly impossible to discern what someone means and communication breaks down. Granted, tone and body language say a whole lot, but those easily can be misread. When you don't say what you mean (and mean what you say) how do you expect your relationships to survive, much less thrive?

So, start talking people! I'm not saying you have to run your mouth incessantly. (That's an issue for another blog day.) But, speak up and speak clearly. Instead of "Meh," say "No, I don't think so," or "Well, I'm not sure how I feel about that," or "Eww, that doesn't appeal to me," or "Maybe later." Any of those or a thousand other thoughts could be implied by that blurt, so use your words!

Return to Sender

I believe everyone, at some point in their lives has fallen for someone who didn't return the feelings. Whether you were just more invested in the relationship than they were or you admired them from afar, never even landing on their radar, it is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. It makes you question everything about who you are. Even the most self-confident, attractive, accomplished people wonder: What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough?

While I was visiting LA -- the land of the beautiful people -- I was tempted with feelings of inferiority and unattractiveness. In a world where image is so important and people spend so much money not only to ward off aging, but to manicure themselves into this false notion of beauty, it can be difficult not to ask those same questions. However, I took a really close look around me and the majority of the people there are really quite average. And all of them, even the "perfect" ones, have flaws and insecurities that can't be overcome.

I ended up in a conversation with my sister-in-law (who, incidentally, is one of those women you hate because she is naturally beautiful inside and out--truly one of the most amazing people I know, darn her!). We were talking about all the super-models and gorgeous actresses who either cheat or have been cheated on. It initially makes you think, Wow! If they can't hang on to their partner, what chance to do any of us regular Joes have? Then you have to look at who these men/women are cheating with. They aren't necessarily upgrades. That just goes to show you that it really has so little to do with looks. It is usually about some other need that isn't being met. I closed the conversation by saying that cheating is either a defect in the cheater or a defect in the cheatee, something missing from the relationship that has nothing to do with physical appearance.

So, I guess what I'm saying in all of this is that so often we are too quick to jump to the assumption that there is something wrong with us if we fail to attract someone, believing we are inferior. The truth is, being prettier, skinnier, more popular, wealthier isn't necessarily the key. It's about making the right connection with the right person. If that other person isn't interested or committed, it is rarely about how you look. You just have to accept that for whatever reason they are the wrong one for you, no matter how right they may feel in the moment. That's never an easy thing to accept. But, learning how to look past the swarm of emotions and hormones just might allow you to see the person out there who is right and is waiting for you with baited breath.

Even Elvis was shot down a time or two. Enjoy!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z54-QHEZN6E

Are You The Odd Couple?

Compatibility. I've been thinking about that a lot lately as I've had a friend staying with me for a few months. Don't get me wrong. I'm not using this blog to passive-aggressively bitch about him. But, it has made me realize that compatibility of lifestyles is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Yes, it is important when you consider partnering with someone that you nail down the big stuff like how you feel about children, marriage, money, religion. But, it is equally important to figure out the nitty-gritty of living together that you can't determine from dinner conversation.

I'm talking about things like: Does he spend more time grooming himself in the bathroom than you do? Can you work with that? Do you have particulars about housecleaning that he can't honor? Are you willing to pick up his slack? Does she need more "face time" than you are willing to give? Where's the compromise? Does it bother you to have someone always probing your brain for your thoughts? How much are you willing to share?

My friend and temporary roommate has a lot of security hang-ups. I get that, and I totally understand why, as I know the source of them. However, it makes me crazy that he can't also understand that when the cats have broken the blinds trying to see out them, I have to keep them raised so I'm not replacing every set of blinds in the house each month. Most of the curtains close to provide privacy. It also bugs the snot out of me that he tries to close the one set of curtains that aren't designed to be closed. They're only window dressings. (YES, I am aware that men don't understand why you'd have something that wasn't functional. Give me a break, I found a fabric remnant I liked, and that was all I could do with it.) Besides, they aren't on a window that is a security risk anyway.

So, my point is, I know, in many circles, it is taboo to live together before you are married. I think they should reconsider that position, cause here's the thing . . . if the reason for this restriction is your fear of encouraging premarital sex, I'll let you in on a little secret: You don't have to co-habitate to find means and opportunity for that. More importantly, sharing your life and your space with someone is one of the biggest stressors on a relationship. If you don't have time to learn about how the other person functions in their personal space before you make a lifetime commitment, you could be stuck in something that will make you miserable til death do you part, if you make it that long.

Compatibility isn't just about common interests in music, art, books or about sharing life goals and ideals. It's about existing in the same space and enjoying that.

Oh, and for the record, my friend and I aren't compatible, but not just because he puts the dishes away in the wrong places. I'm not his "type."

Up Close and Personal

I am in a unique situation with my job in that I work from home assisting my boss from several hundred miles away. I deal with authors who live all over the country, most of whom I will never meet face-to-face. There are so many pros to this kind of arrangement . . . such as . . . oh, getting to work from home! . . . and with the technology that exists today, it really isn't that complicated. The down side is that you don't get the benefits afforded to you by face-to-face communication.

This week my boss is in town and we are getting to actually meet for the first time. (Bizarre, I know!) I have found it so very fascinating to finally put a face on this voice I've communicated with multiple times a day for the last month. I am finding that, even with a photo to go on, she still isn't what I pictured. We have a tendency to develop mental images around the perceptions we have formulated based on limited information. Once we have those perceptions challenged, it takes time to readjust because everything you imagined has to be adapted.

This is not to say it's a bad thing. I am really glad to have this time with her because I have a much better understanding of how she operates and how we will function together. I now know how to better work with her to get the most out of what roles each of us play.

So, this is relevant to the blog in this way: I've found more and more people are turning to online dating in hopes of capturing that elusive romance. I know a number of people who swear by it. Here is why I will never resort to that method . . . it is hard enough to fully know someone when you can look them in the eye, how on earth do you expect to really get an understanding of who they are by way of a computer chat?

Please understand, I really do subscribe to the "To Each His Own" motto, and if it's working for you, go right ahead. I'm simply saying, for someone like me who has a very vivid imagination, leaving everything to the imagination has its pitfalls. I know some might say it is easier to be yourself when you aren't "in person" dating because you are less self-conscious. I would argue that for the person who is savvy enough to read people (and you don't get that way by not interacting with them personally), you can know a lot even if they don't think they are sharing anything.

It is okay to meet someone online; but, in my not so humble opinion, it is important to meet in person before too much time passes. The impressions you form through this limited form of communication can be difficult to overcome. Even something as simple as picturing where they live, what chair they sit in to talk to you, how they dress can affect the way you interact with that person. Unpacking that already established perception can make future interaction difficult if you don't know how to reframe it. Suppose you fabricate the idea that someone is one way and they can't live up to the expectation. That can have a devastating effect on the future of your relationship. Conversely, if you don't expect much, you might not give them the chance to show you their full potential.

It isn't about appearance and learning that their avatar was photo-shopped beyond reason, or that they lied about their body specifications in their profile. It's about their body language and the vibe they emit and their comportment. Those are things that just aren't effectively transmitted electronically.

So, my point is, we already know that the written word isn't as effective as it used to be, and the nuances of emotion you can hear in vocal tone and modulation say so much more. So, the degree of understanding you get when you add that physical (yet intangible) energy to the mix is powerful.

What I now know, from having interacted with my boss in person, changes our relationship. We will have better communication. We have established more trust. We know what sarcasm or frustration or humor or epiphany looks like on the other now. It's about dimension and layers of understanding and it's what it means to be personally involved. That's not just good for romance. It's good for all sorts of relationships.

Enjoy the Silence

Amidst the clatter, the whirl, and the buzz of the cicada infestation it can be difficult to formulate a thought. I heard on the news yesterday that the decibel level generated by one of these little creatures (almost 90 decibels) can be almost as loud as the average lawn mower. When was the last time you had a pleasant conversation while cutting the grass? The sound permeates walls, windows, and doors. It drowns out everything else. It is obnoxious and intrusive.

So can be the incessant chatter of someone who needs to fill the air with noise. Nervous chatter not only compromises your ability to really engage in conversation with someone and hear what they have to say, it also prevents that inner voice from speaking to you when you need to receive that instinctual guidance.

Recently, I was on a car trip with a friend and I encouraged them to lean back and rest during the drive. It was nice to feel comfortable enough with someone not to feel the need to make idle conversation just for the sake of filling a void. It was nice to know that we were enough at ease in one another's company that we didn't HAVE to talk, that there was no void to fill. Not that we don't have plenty to say when we want to.

If you are now remembering the incredibly awkward scene from "When Harry Met Sally" where they had nothing to say after their night together and tried to rationalize it as a good thing, don't mistakenly equate the two. You will know when the silence is out of lack of communication or truly from comfort and compatibility. Also, you'll know because you won't feel the need to clarify that everything is okay even though you aren't talking.

To me, true intimacy is having everything under the sun to talk about, and choosing not to just so you can enjoy the other person's presence. If you can be quiet and be still with someone, there are loads of things that can actually pass between you.

With that, I'm going to stop my chattering and let you enjoy the silence.

Rapture

So all this end-of-the-world nonsense got me thinking about a couple things. First, I wondered what is the actual definition of rapture (because I do that), since the word is being thrown about so loosely. In addition to the most commonly understood meaning of "carrying a person to another place or sphere of existence," it is also (and primarily) defined as "joyful ecstasy." Now, we could explore the many ways those are mutually inclusive, but I think that's kind of overstating the obvious.

Next, I thought about the element of trust wrapped up in this non-event. The level of trust these followers demonstrated is impressive, albeit misguided. I think of how devastating it must be for those people to sit on this side of the prediction feeling so very betrayed.

All of that brings me to my thoughts on relationships and how crucial both components are to success in love. Yes, ecstasy is invaluable, but joyful ecstasy is a few degrees beyond because it's more than just sexual gratification. It's a deeper experience, and it's one that requires complete trust. Conversely, it is evoked by complete trust.

Trust is a tough one. Once it's been fractured, it is so hard to restore, and not just between you and the individual who damaged it. One such event can affect your ability to trust anyone. It makes you suspicious of everything, constantly expecting betrayal. It's a difficult place to exist. But, allowing yourself to trust someone, giving them access to the deeply personal stuff, and exposing who is under the facade, is a terrifyingly liberating thing to do.

I'm not advocating you dump all your crap on the front door of everyone you meet. Be judicious. The trouble these followers of Camping found was that they put their trust in someone who talked a good game but didn't do anything on a personal level to earn that trust.

The paradox is that real trust comes from intimacy, but it's very difficult to allow true intimacy with someone you don't trust. So, you find yourself with a conundrum, a Catch-22. The only way to break through that is to extend a little trust on credit. Give someone a chance with the understanding that it can be withdrawn at any time. Proceed with caution, but proceed nonetheless.

We cannot know when we will shuffle off (or be scooped up from) this mortal coil and living this life unable to trust makes it difficult at best, but quite often very painful. I'm not talking about having faith or belief in something. Those are different things and they require the ability to accept something you cannot see without any tangible proof. Trust is unique in that it does require the tiniest bit of blind faith, but you can choose to continue trusting or not based on very real evidence manifested in the behavior of others.

I have deep-seated trust issues. I am speaking to myself as much as anyone else out there who will listen. However, I have recently found in one friend in particular that it's not always dangerous to trust. He has proven that he is true to his word. He has proven that all the things I expect most men to do from previous experience aren't what every man does. It's been a good lesson, but definitely one I've had to struggle to accept. And, let's be really honest, one that probably resides with him alone and will not be granted to others.

All the same, I think the message from this failed apocalypse is that we need to accept that the world won't end just because we allow ourselves to trust. (At the risk of sounding like an after school special, sometimes people need to be extended a little trust to have the desire to be trustworthy.)

Oh yeah, we also just need to stop looking for an apocalypse, period. If you are living honestly and deliberately, whenever the world ceases to be, you'll be okay because you've actually lived. You will have no regrets about what wasn't said, what you failed to accomplish, who you failed to love. Live like you mean it and you'll be ready when the end comes.

Finding Home

So, I called this blog "Useless Relationship Advice" and not "Dating Advice" because I know all types of relationships face struggles; and, whether you are trying desperately to get one, battling through one, beating yours to a bloody, messy pulp, or trying to bury it, everyone seeks words of wisdom. And most of the people you ask will have some opinion on the matter. Also, I knew the well would run dry pretty quickly if I strictly stuck to dating.

I also started this blog with the intention of it being an interactive thing, which has not totally developed the way I'd hoped. That's okay. I've heard enough advice in my life (offered to me or those around me) to write this blog forever. So, here are the latest thoughts that have been running through my head:

I went to a party on Friday night where I spent time with some old (I guess long-time is a better term since we are reaching the age when we are a little more sensitive to the other word) friends, got better acquainted with some new ones, and met a few more people I hope will become friends. We began discussing a reunion of comrades from "back in the day" that is coming up soon. It was said that the last one was all about reminiscing the antics of our youth, which was nice as there are a lot of good memories from those days. But, the hope was that the next one would be about learning where people are now. Where have their lives led them since the group disbanded and scattered to the four corners?

So, here's what I want to know. You always hear it said "You can never go home again." What does that mean exactly? Does it mean your home won't accept you once you've left? And if that's true, what about the saying that "Home is where the heart is"? If it's always with you, how do you leave it and how can you never return to it? Maybe those are unanswerable questions. Maybe it's irrelevant. But I think, as it relates to reunions, it means that if you go looking for the past, you'll be disappointed because it's never where you thought you left it.

Things change, life moves on and for those who don't move on with it, they miss out on a lot. I think that can also be said for these interpersonal relationships. If you don't allow room for growth, you will miss all the amazing things that the people you love can become. When you relegate them to a memory from your glory days; when you fixate on who they were when you met them, it disallows for everything they learn and experience and discover. Who we were is rarely representative of who we become.

I'm speaking in general relationship terms here, but it is so often the downfall of romantic relationships. People grow and change. Sometimes they go in opposite directions because that's just their life course. But, sometimes they grow apart because one is flourishing and open to new roads and the other is sedentary, clinging to what they know, where they are comfortable. It's unfortunate when we lose a connection with someone simply because we aren't willing to keep track of where they are. (That was literal and metaphorical.)

So, whether you run away from home, never leave it, or make your home where you are, I think this quote from Christian Morgenstern applies: "Home is not where you live, but where they understand you."

I think the relationships we carry with us through life are the ones where we feel at home. But, I also think feeling at home has less to do with the longevity or intensity of the relationship and more to do with whether or not those people "get" you. Do they understand where your heart is? Have they allowed you room to grow? Are they willing to find you where you are?

When you know you can take your shoes off, eat off their plate without asking, and scratch where it itches, that is home. When you can say, "Hey, it's me" on the phone and they know who "me" is, that's home. When you find those people who make you feel safe and sheltered, cling to them, keep them close, because that is where the heart truly resides.

My Most Successful Relationship

It's Mother's Day, and today I especially feel the burden of my privilege. Not because of what my child wants from me, but what I realize I can't give him. It's a day like today when I am keenly aware of my short-comings. It's a day like today when I feel especially inadequate to give him all he deserves. Today I feel the full measure of my responsibility and I am humbled he chose me to carry it, and him.

I wanted to give him a life free from strife. Instead, he got a heart that is so big he cares more than he can bear. I wanted to ensure he never suffered. Instead, he started his life struggling more than anyone should. I wanted to be perfect, to do it better than everyone who offered me advice. Instead, I have had to apologize at least once a day. I wanted him to know no pain. Instead, he's been wounded by those who should protect him.

Yet, in spite of all my failures, he continues to look to me for his security. He runs to me for comfort. He turns to me for advice. He leans on me when he needs strength. He wants me.

So, on this Mother's Day I am grateful that my best is good enough. I am thankful that all I am capable of giving is all he needs. I am joyful that together we are stronger than anything we have faced. Today, and everyday, I get to be a mom and that's everything.

Preparation

Well, friends, I've been a little absent because I started a new job a few days ago. Not just any job, mind you. It's turning into my dream job! I honestly can't imagine how this came together to be so very perfect for me. Well, actually, I can imagine. In fact, I know exactly why my stars are aligning.

I could say it's because I've suffered enough, or that I've accumulated enough good karma to pay off my bad karma and create a bit of a credit with the universe. Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. The truth is I worked for it. I busted my ass to get here. I did everything I was supposed to do and waited for the scales to tip in my favor again. That's not to say that there wasn't some divine intervention. I definitely believe that was a contributing factor, but that only gets you so far. It is important to recognize that to realize your dreams, to have everything you want and then some, it requires work. Hard work. Lots of it. If you study and hone your craft, you will be ready and equipped when that unimaginable opportunity presents itself. When you are prepared, you get to show up and impress the pants off of those who need impressing.

The same is true with relationships. Your dream man/woman might be out there, but if you aren't ready to meet them when you cross paths, it won't matter that you might be made for each other. You have to do the work. You have to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit if you hope to be successful in being with another person. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has quirks, and some of that just has to be accepted as part of the package.

But you still need to deal with the issues that have become patterns for your failures. Look at what you want to change, determine if it's important to change it (nose jobs and liposuction do not fall in this category), and do the work to get where you feel you are the best version of yourself you can be.

You'll know when you are there, and then you can walk into a room with confidence, knowing you've brought your A-game. In business, the most successful people are those who can marry a little over-the-top self-confidence with just enough know-how to back it up. Those who are most successful in attracting quality people are those who know who they are and are just enamored enough with that to convince others there aren't any flaws.

Living a charmed life seems, from the outside, to be all about luck. Either you're blessed with good looks, privilege, or a magnetic personality. There are some who get by on those fortunes. But for those who really make something special happen for themselves, you'll find they took whatever gifts were bestowed on them and worked at it to go the distance.

We'd all like to think that there is some magic way to make things fall in our laps. The thing is you still have to lift more than a finger to wave a magic wand.

Disclaimer

I was talking with my best friend the other day about my blog. She had been reading some of the entries and commented that it is a little ironic that I would be blogging about relationships. She's right. It is ironic. You see, I've never actually had what you would call a "romantic relationship." I've dated . . . a little. I've . . . well, there's really no tactful way to say what I've done more frequently.

In high school, I was the gal pal. In college, I learned there were apparently a few guys who were interested but thought I was dating someone (a specific, scary someone) and didn't pursue me (out of fear for their safety). It wasn't long after I really started "getting out there" I ended up pregnant, which brought the whole thing to a screeching halt for me. My son's father and I weren't even dating. We did try to live together when I figured out I was pregnant. That lasted about four months.

I spent the next 3 years focused on making sure my child survived his heart condition, then focused on making sure we survived period. When he started school, so did I. I dove into finishing my education and starting my career. Life has this tendency to take over and set your priorities for you.

So, here I am 15 years later and I have re-entered this rat race with a seriously long hiatus to make me even MORE out of practice. Maybe some would argue that means I have no business talking to you about relationships. Perhaps. But, I do know this: I may not have left a sea of boyfriends in my wake. I may not have a 20 year partnership under my belt. BUT, I have had relationships with people, and there's really not much that's different in the long run.

Another friend of mine shared with me the other day that a friend of his made a comment about how we have this tendency to dismiss relationships we've ended as bad ones, as failed attempts. He asked why is it that we can't view them as good for the time they were good. It's a valid thought. We can all take away something from every experience, every relationship. Don't be so quick to write it off as a waste of time. Learn something from it that you can apply to the next one.

I believe that is also true for every type of relationship we have. Maybe I haven't been a girlfriend, wife, lover. But, I have been a daughter, a sister, a mother, a colleague, a friend, and in most cases, fairly successful at all of them. All of that is the foundation for what we bring to the table in romantic relationships. We learn about communication, trust, compromise, and love through these relationships. We just take it to an even more intimate level when we date or marry or co-habitate.

I've also learned how to be a good observer and listener. I've gleaned a lot from the successes and failures of my friends and loved ones. So, here's the important thing: I'm not purporting to be an expert on relationships. Far from it! I'm just a girl making observations, sharing thoughts and musings, hoping that some of what I've taken in, assimilated, and processed over my 40 years will end up being useful, or at least food for thought.

Thanks for your continued interest in my little experiment here. I hope you find this journey with me worth your time. Maybe we'll stumble across some answers together.