I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your K.I.S.S.

I had an interesting conversation with my 15-year-old son today. I was sharing with him why I haven't really dated much. I said I really hadn't had many who were worthy of my time, and more importantly worthy of being a part of his life. At that point he looked at me, smiled, and said, "I like _____" and winked at me. Yes, he actually winked at me! I had to laugh. Then I had to explain that _____ was a wonderful man and he would always be able to know him, but it wasn't likely there would be more to our relationship than friendship.

It made me feel a little silly trying to explain to him that somethings aren't as simple as checking the Yes, No, or Maybe box in the note passed to you in class. Wouldn't it be nice if we could simplify our adult relationships a little more? We add so many layers of baggage and expectation to our already busy, over-taxed lives. I will say, he is entering that over-complicated phase where there is drama upon drama upon drama. Teenage girls seem to find ways to elevate this to an art-form, and we only fine-tune it as we age. It's was really interesting to see how insufferable he finds this and to discover how irritating it is to me as well . . . and . . . that is when the lightbulb went on.

I can honestly admit I created my fair share, though I do believe I am one of the more low-maintenance types out there. (I did have one guy tell me once that I was the Sally kind of high-maintenance -- I think I'm low-maintenance, but really I'm high-maintenance. The thing is, we never even dated, so I don't really know why he said that.) I am particular and I have very high standards; but, really, if you've survived this long without a relationship, why settle for something just to fill the void?!

My point in all that is that I am at the place in life where I really want to re-simplify things. I titled this blog with a nod to a great song by a master lyricist, and an even bigger hint at an old saying. "K.I.S.S." - Keep It Simple, Stupid! (or Keep It Short and Simple). The funny thing is the lyrics of that Prince song kind of embody that principle and my mantra for relationships in my mid-life (crisis?):

Kiss U don’t have 2 be rich 2 be my girl U don’t have 2 be cool 2 rule my world Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with I just want your extra time and your . . . kiss. Women not girls rule my world I said they rule my world Act your age, mama (not your shoe size) Not your shoe size Maybe we could do the twirl U don’t have 2 watch Dynasty 2 have an attitude U just leave it all up 2 me My love will be your food Yeah U don’t have 2 be rich 2 be my girl U don’t have 2 be cool 2 rule my world Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with I just want your extra time and your . . . kiss.

If I can find a man who is genuinely as problem free as I want to be, it could be a match made in heaven, but I'm not holding my breath because the reality is it isn't just the women who fabricate the drama. Men get pretty good at it too.

To borrow the words of Prince, I just want your extra time (because I have crap to do too!) and your kiss (because it really is that simple).

And, so, I leave you with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl6jq38K3-M&feature=related

King of the Road

Just a little while ago I posed a question on my Facebook wall because I am preparing for a business trip and have been pondering the ordeal involved in leaving town for a few days. I was wondering if anyone could really pick up and take off at a moment's notice. I asked if there was anyone who didn't have details to cover before they could travel, be it spouse/partner, child, pet, time off from work, laundry, filling travel-sized toiletry bottles . . .

The thing is, even in this age of facility and technological advancement, we still have stuff that tethers us to home, things that make us encumbered. Maybe there are those out there who truly do live that unfettered, bohemian way of life that means you can indulge your wanderlust and go where the wind blows you. But when you come to the end of the road -- perhaps proverbial, perhaps literal -- there is a cost. It means there are no attachments, no fetters, no ties, which isn't always a good thing.

Don't get me wrong. If you are a loner and you are okay with that, more power to you. Be the one we write great epic poems and pithy soul-searching novels about. But, most people were designed for commune (not necessarily to live in a hippy commune) with other humans. We were meant to build and thrive on relationships. We were made for each other.

There is nothing wrong with forming lasting bonds with the people around you. In fact, good or bad those bonds really enrich life. Relationships are complicated, yes. But it's how we grow. It's how we learn. It's how we experience all it means to be human.

It's one thing to be weighed down by stuff -- bobbles, chotchkes, gee-gaws, knick-knacks, and general crap. And, really, that can be the stuff in your household or the stuff in your relationships. Many relationships are filled with trinkets to symbolize a love that is never fully or effectively expressed.

It's a different thing altogether to be surrounded by and invested in people or animals who care for and depend on you. So, I guess I'm saying take an inventory of the stuff in your life and evaluate whether or not it's something worth the amount of time it slows you down for jumping on the next train to wherever. If you don't care whether or not it's there when you come back, maybe it shouldn't be taking up space in your life at all (that goes for people too). If you feel the need to make sure it receives the proper care and attention while you're gone, protect it. Guard it. Make plans before you go anywhere to see that what you cherish is safe.

With that said, I have to start packing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmOe27SJ3Yc

It's the Little Things

About twenty years ago I found a book called "10,000 Things to Be Happy About" by Barbara Ann Kipfer. I made a practice of keeping a copy around that I could give to someone when it seemed they might be in need of such a thing. It's exactly how it sounds. It's a list of 10,000 things that make the author happy; everything from puppy breath to lichen to baby oil to fast-food meal toy collecting and everything in between. Some of them are the typical things that prompt those warm fuzzies for most people. Some of them are very particular to her. The reason I gave this book away was because I always felt it was good to be able to find gratitude even in the darkest of hours. This book was a point of inspiration so they could begin to find their own happy things.

I know this is a rather Pollyanna-esque attitude, but it works. It is so easy to become self-absorbed when you are licking wounds that it's hard to find your way out. Gratitude for the little things is one way to start the journey back. It allows you to see things with a fresh perspective, to realize most things aren't as insurmountable as they seem, to discover the things in life that matter. It puts things in their proper place.

I think the same approach is necessary for relationships. We forget to show gratitude for the little things. We neglect to do small acts of kindness for those we love. We take so much for granted that we can't remember that we aren't really entitled to any of it. It's all a gift. When was the last time you told your partner how much they mean to you on a day that wasn't a nationally appointed holiday? How long has it been since you just hugged your friend because you could? What if you started telling your child every day how proud you are to be their parent, not because of their good grades or sports accomplishments, but just because you are glad to know them?

Start keeping a list of the little things that make you happy and you just might find there is this weird feeling creeping in that could overtake and consume you. It's called joy. It's also known as contentment. Maybe it could even be peace. Those are things in short supply these days. Life is too short to exist in turmoil. Find something to be happy about, even if it's just a really good cup of coffee -- which, of course, for coffee addicts is no small thing!

I have many happinesses, but stopped making a list a long time ago. I think I will get back on that. At the top of my list will be my favorite quote from the book:

"Let me bring lollipops and confetti and silly things and place them at your feet."

The reason I like this so much is it's about serendipity -- the gift of finding pleasant things unsought (also defined as inner peace) -- and then sharing that which is serendipitous with someone else. I like the word, the concept of serendipity so much it was my first tattoo nearly two decades ago.

I had forgotten about the above quote for many years and several months ago I went looking to find it again to no avail. While I was in the shower tonight it crept back up from the recesses of my brain and resonated so clearly it was as if someone whispered it in my ear. I'd say that's pretty serendipitous, wouldn't you? With that, I give you the newly resumed list (in progress):

my light-green warm and fuzzy bathrobe that I forgot was in my closet

a day when my To Do List gets done

those rare moments when my teenage son thinks i'm cool

ranunculus

the way my friends feel at home in my home

brand-spankin new school supplies

the perfect bite (of food)

being validated in my work

good, stimulating conversation

the first bit of pressure from a massage that lets you know they know what they're doing

feeling smart

a cold drink of water after a fierce workout

snuggling

driving with the lid open playing roadtrip music perfection

painted toenails in every color of the rainbow (and some that don't occur in nature)

a long awaited album from a favorite musician

warm buttered bread

lists . . .

The Agony and the Ecstasy

Exquisite. This word has been stuck in my head all day. I don't know why. I don't recall reading it anywhere or hearing it on television. But there it is, echoing over and over as if it's on a loop. The funny thing about saying a word multiple times is that it usually starts sounding really bizarre, but this one still sounds, well . . . exquisite.

I looked it up. I know what it means, but I wanted to see if there were any archaic or obsolete meanings that might put a new spin on it and to see the etymology. No big surprises in the definition, except I forgot about the negative connotation in which it can be used. Normally we think: Oh, she has exquisite taste in jewelry. But, you can also say: He felt exquisite pain. (Or, left an Exquisite Corpse . . . a shout out to my Hedwig pals) -- meaning it was acute or intense. The etymology, however, was a little unexpected. It's origin is Latin and is the past participle of "to seek out." So, exquisite is something intrinsically sought after. Interesting. It makes sense, though. I think we are, obviously, drawn to intense beauty. But is that really the same thing for everyone?

There have been a few occasions recently where one of my dear friends has commented that we would never fight over a guy because our tastes are so very different. (Nevermind the fact that we wouldn't be competing for the same boys anyway since his would not be interested in me.) In every circumstance I recognized certain aspects of these men that were appealing, but not enough to make me swoon, certainly not enough to make me fight my friend for them. Then I had a conversation with my best (female) friend about this subject and I observed that we would fight over the same guys, then I realized it would only be the celebrity crushes. We don't like the same types of real guys.

So, what does that say? For one thing, I think it demonstrates my earlier point about being drawn to intense beauty. We can't help but be drawn in by those tv and movie stars who are exquisite creatures. We dream of being them and being with them. We spend insane amounts of money and suffer ungodly torture in the attempt to mold our bodies to resemble them. (Talk about exquisite pain!)

More importantly, I think it illustrates the adage that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. I think the reason for that is true beauty lies below superficial appearance and the beauty that really catches one's eye is discovered experientially. My friends and I have a lot in common. That's one of the reasons we are friends, so it would stand to reason we would be drawn to the same types of people, right? Well, that might be true for friendship. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, when we're talking about that "thing" that makes us move heaven and earth to be with someone, it rarely follows logic. I might be able to appreciate someone and acknowledge they are attractive, but that doesn't mean I am attracted to them.

I think it really comes down to my spin on another old saying: Love at first sight. I think I've mentioned this in a previous post, but I do believe in love at first sight, I just don't know that you really see someone the first time you lay eyes on them. I think there is this moment in your interaction with someone when you see into their soul and you either like what you see or you don't. You either get them or you don't. You either see their beauty or you don't. It's that simple.

So, maybe there's no big relationship "advice" in this one, maybe just more of an observation. Or, maybe the advice is just to go with it. Don't question why you love who you love. Don't question why someone else loves who they love. Just love, because loving deeply is an exquisite experience -- exquisitely glorious and exquisitely painful all at the same time. But, isn't that what it means to truly live?

It Takes a Village

I've been observing my son navigate boyfriend/girlfriend relationships recently and I am very fascinated (if not a little troubled) by his latest choice. More than that, I'm intrigued by the lack of interaction they seem to have. She is everything I despise about 14-year-old girls, everything I despised even as a 14-year-old girl; but, I fret not, because I know it will be short-lived. I'm more interested in the fact that his best friends are girls and he spends more time on the phone, going to the mall, and hanging out with them than with his "girlfriend". This is not unlike the role I found myself in through much of my life -- the side-kick, not the girlfriend.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my best friend a while ago in which we discussed the marriage dynamic and how she realized her husband could not -- and probably should not -- be all things to her. She has friends who serve as confidants and friends who offer her intellectual stimulation. There are those with whom she can go dancing, others who share in the parenting struggle, and more still who connect with her for spiritual growth.

At one point it pained her to realize that her husband wasn't her equal in certain areas, that he couldn't identify with her in others. Then she discovered that this is true with most of her relationships and that isn't necessarily problematic. We all have this romantic notion that our life partner is supposed to be, as the Queen of Soul sings, "All I need to get by." We want them to be our world and to fulfill us.

Those are really nice ideas, very idyllic fantasies; but, the reality is they just aren't life. If you have everything in common with your mate, someone isn't being honest. The idea that opposites attract is more than just a chemistry experiment or a catchy tune by Paula Abdul. It is true that being too different typically creates incompatibility, but just enough differences create an environment where each of you can grow and learn from one another.

Rather than searching for some one who will complete you, look for someone who will complement you. Note the difference: I did not say "compliment," to tell you flattering things and fluff up your ego. I mean complement - to be a companion to what you have to offer, to be compatible and work in concert.

Basically, I'm saying if you find the person you think you can't live without because they are your everything, it is highly likely you need to broaden your horizons. Don't become so consumed by someone that you no longer can tell where you end and they begin. I know the biblical notion of marriage is that two become one, but that doesn't mean you become one identity. It means your efforts are united. It means you work in unison. It means you are still who you are, they are still who they are, but you are unified in how you choose to exist.

So, have your mate and playmates too (no, I don't mean the Heff kind). Keep those other relationships alive and thriving. Let them contribute to your life and your romance. The more well-rounded you are, the better you will be to your partner, and vice-versa. (Which means, girls, don't horn in when he has they guys over to watch the game. You wouldn't want him tagging along when you go shopping with your entourage. I know -- stereotypical and sexist, but you get my point.)

Keep your friends, rely on them, and allow them to help you stay you. Afterall, the person that attracted your guy or gal is who they wanted in the first place. What makes you think they'd want to see you give that up?

Because, we all know that song "All of Me" doesn't have the happiest of endings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P0hG3sD0-E

(and since I mentioned it . . . )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_USIBgm2Rk

She Blinded Me With Science

I went to my physical therapy assessment today, post surgery on my shoulder. Even though it was an inconsiderate assault on my already brutalized appendage, it was an opportunity to begin moving it around a little -- something I thought I wouldn't be allowed to do for a month. One of the "exercises" she prescribed as a warm-up was an activity where I would let my arm hang limp and allow it to swing like a pendulum. As I am want to do, I started wondering about the aspects of a pendulum, so I looked it up -- another practice to which I am prone.

Well, a pendulum is something that hangs from a fixed point, and when it is pulled back and released, is free to swing down by force of gravity and then out and up because of its inertia. AND, inertia is a law of physics that a body in motion will remain in motion, and a body at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by an outside force.

So, of course that made me think: boy, this is not only literally applicable to my physical being, but metaphorically applicable to my psyche. I wouldn't say I've exactly been dormant lately, but I certainly haven't been aggressively propelled into motion and have just kind of been riding that wave. As I am now starting to put motion into my shoulder, I am thinking it is probably about time that I not be so passive about the motion in my relationships.

I believe we have a tendency to become complaisant, just going along for the ride once we set something in motion and forget to be an active participant. We settle into being the body in motion instead of being the outside force acting upon it. We neglect our responsibility in keeping the body in motion.

There is a whole lot of sciency stuff about the types of pendula (?) that exist and how they are used that would probably help my little metaphor along, and I know there are a number of factors that help in calculating how long it will swing and in what direction and things like that, but I'm not a scientist for a very good reason. But, what I do know is that it can end up being wonky and swing without rhythm -- called chaotic motion. Think of a child on a swing and how easily it can begin to twist and turn.

What does all that mean? It means, once we begin a relationship, we often assume it is going to propel itself, that we don't have to participate in a deliberate way, relying on the laws of physics to keep it going; but, just as the kid on the swing, if the force that keeps them in motion is applied with uneven pressure -- say, if you push with only one hand, or don't follow through on the motion -- the oscillation is no longer harmonic.

It's okay to get out of balance on occasion. I loved to get the spin going on a swing. It makes it more exciting than the simple back and forth. But, if you are careless about it or let it go too long, what happens is you end up with such torsion that it makes you sick, you pinch your fingers in the chain, and you lose momentum. When you swing too high, you end up losing the tension in the rope, the trajectory is off, and you flop down in a jerk.

The point is, relationships don't stay in steady motion on their own and the wrong kind of outside influence can get them off track. You have to be actively involved. You have to check the propulsion. Sometimes you have to give it a gentle, balanced nudge. You have to be mindful of the direction and monitor the velocity of the swing. It's a dance and it kinda makes me think of the old Thomas Dolby song, because when you get it right, it can be poetry in motion.

Use Your Words!

I try not to be too self-indulgent in my posts, to use this as a platform to gripe about pet-peeves, or to take up personal issues. But, I have to take a moment to address a disturbing trend. It's this tendency for people to type in Facebook, Twitter, Email, etc. the non-word "Meh." What the hell is that?! I know it is an attempt to spell a guttural utterance, a grumbling sound. But why? I find it incredibly annoying that this is getting legs under it such that it's become a "thing."

Have we truly lost the ability to communicate verbally? Are we reduced to muttering and mumbling responses? It reminds me of a practice in Montessori schools. When your child is developing their verbal skills and you begin cultivating your spoken communication you are taught to instruct your child to "use your words" rather than grunting and pointing to get across what they want or need. I am beginning to think speaking, along with writing, is becoming a lost art.

Being able to express yourself effectively is crucial to survival in the business world. More and more companies are recognizing the short-comings of their employees and enrolling them in training to improve their written and verbal skills. I think the same needs to happen for us in our personal relationships as well. We need to start holding seminars on "The Dictionary: It's Not Just a Foot Rest," or "Wordplay: It's the New Foreplay," or "Grunting Is For After You Get Me In Bed," or "A Thesaurus is Not a Giant Lizard." (I actually have that one on a bumper sticker!)

Language is so incredibly nuanced as it is, when we stop using actual words altogether it makes it nearly impossible to discern what someone means and communication breaks down. Granted, tone and body language say a whole lot, but those easily can be misread. When you don't say what you mean (and mean what you say) how do you expect your relationships to survive, much less thrive?

So, start talking people! I'm not saying you have to run your mouth incessantly. (That's an issue for another blog day.) But, speak up and speak clearly. Instead of "Meh," say "No, I don't think so," or "Well, I'm not sure how I feel about that," or "Eww, that doesn't appeal to me," or "Maybe later." Any of those or a thousand other thoughts could be implied by that blurt, so use your words!

Return to Sender

I believe everyone, at some point in their lives has fallen for someone who didn't return the feelings. Whether you were just more invested in the relationship than they were or you admired them from afar, never even landing on their radar, it is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. It makes you question everything about who you are. Even the most self-confident, attractive, accomplished people wonder: What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough?

While I was visiting LA -- the land of the beautiful people -- I was tempted with feelings of inferiority and unattractiveness. In a world where image is so important and people spend so much money not only to ward off aging, but to manicure themselves into this false notion of beauty, it can be difficult not to ask those same questions. However, I took a really close look around me and the majority of the people there are really quite average. And all of them, even the "perfect" ones, have flaws and insecurities that can't be overcome.

I ended up in a conversation with my sister-in-law (who, incidentally, is one of those women you hate because she is naturally beautiful inside and out--truly one of the most amazing people I know, darn her!). We were talking about all the super-models and gorgeous actresses who either cheat or have been cheated on. It initially makes you think, Wow! If they can't hang on to their partner, what chance to do any of us regular Joes have? Then you have to look at who these men/women are cheating with. They aren't necessarily upgrades. That just goes to show you that it really has so little to do with looks. It is usually about some other need that isn't being met. I closed the conversation by saying that cheating is either a defect in the cheater or a defect in the cheatee, something missing from the relationship that has nothing to do with physical appearance.

So, I guess what I'm saying in all of this is that so often we are too quick to jump to the assumption that there is something wrong with us if we fail to attract someone, believing we are inferior. The truth is, being prettier, skinnier, more popular, wealthier isn't necessarily the key. It's about making the right connection with the right person. If that other person isn't interested or committed, it is rarely about how you look. You just have to accept that for whatever reason they are the wrong one for you, no matter how right they may feel in the moment. That's never an easy thing to accept. But, learning how to look past the swarm of emotions and hormones just might allow you to see the person out there who is right and is waiting for you with baited breath.

Even Elvis was shot down a time or two. Enjoy!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z54-QHEZN6E

Are You The Odd Couple?

Compatibility. I've been thinking about that a lot lately as I've had a friend staying with me for a few months. Don't get me wrong. I'm not using this blog to passive-aggressively bitch about him. But, it has made me realize that compatibility of lifestyles is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Yes, it is important when you consider partnering with someone that you nail down the big stuff like how you feel about children, marriage, money, religion. But, it is equally important to figure out the nitty-gritty of living together that you can't determine from dinner conversation.

I'm talking about things like: Does he spend more time grooming himself in the bathroom than you do? Can you work with that? Do you have particulars about housecleaning that he can't honor? Are you willing to pick up his slack? Does she need more "face time" than you are willing to give? Where's the compromise? Does it bother you to have someone always probing your brain for your thoughts? How much are you willing to share?

My friend and temporary roommate has a lot of security hang-ups. I get that, and I totally understand why, as I know the source of them. However, it makes me crazy that he can't also understand that when the cats have broken the blinds trying to see out them, I have to keep them raised so I'm not replacing every set of blinds in the house each month. Most of the curtains close to provide privacy. It also bugs the snot out of me that he tries to close the one set of curtains that aren't designed to be closed. They're only window dressings. (YES, I am aware that men don't understand why you'd have something that wasn't functional. Give me a break, I found a fabric remnant I liked, and that was all I could do with it.) Besides, they aren't on a window that is a security risk anyway.

So, my point is, I know, in many circles, it is taboo to live together before you are married. I think they should reconsider that position, cause here's the thing . . . if the reason for this restriction is your fear of encouraging premarital sex, I'll let you in on a little secret: You don't have to co-habitate to find means and opportunity for that. More importantly, sharing your life and your space with someone is one of the biggest stressors on a relationship. If you don't have time to learn about how the other person functions in their personal space before you make a lifetime commitment, you could be stuck in something that will make you miserable til death do you part, if you make it that long.

Compatibility isn't just about common interests in music, art, books or about sharing life goals and ideals. It's about existing in the same space and enjoying that.

Oh, and for the record, my friend and I aren't compatible, but not just because he puts the dishes away in the wrong places. I'm not his "type."

Up Close and Personal

I am in a unique situation with my job in that I work from home assisting my boss from several hundred miles away. I deal with authors who live all over the country, most of whom I will never meet face-to-face. There are so many pros to this kind of arrangement . . . such as . . . oh, getting to work from home! . . . and with the technology that exists today, it really isn't that complicated. The down side is that you don't get the benefits afforded to you by face-to-face communication.

This week my boss is in town and we are getting to actually meet for the first time. (Bizarre, I know!) I have found it so very fascinating to finally put a face on this voice I've communicated with multiple times a day for the last month. I am finding that, even with a photo to go on, she still isn't what I pictured. We have a tendency to develop mental images around the perceptions we have formulated based on limited information. Once we have those perceptions challenged, it takes time to readjust because everything you imagined has to be adapted.

This is not to say it's a bad thing. I am really glad to have this time with her because I have a much better understanding of how she operates and how we will function together. I now know how to better work with her to get the most out of what roles each of us play.

So, this is relevant to the blog in this way: I've found more and more people are turning to online dating in hopes of capturing that elusive romance. I know a number of people who swear by it. Here is why I will never resort to that method . . . it is hard enough to fully know someone when you can look them in the eye, how on earth do you expect to really get an understanding of who they are by way of a computer chat?

Please understand, I really do subscribe to the "To Each His Own" motto, and if it's working for you, go right ahead. I'm simply saying, for someone like me who has a very vivid imagination, leaving everything to the imagination has its pitfalls. I know some might say it is easier to be yourself when you aren't "in person" dating because you are less self-conscious. I would argue that for the person who is savvy enough to read people (and you don't get that way by not interacting with them personally), you can know a lot even if they don't think they are sharing anything.

It is okay to meet someone online; but, in my not so humble opinion, it is important to meet in person before too much time passes. The impressions you form through this limited form of communication can be difficult to overcome. Even something as simple as picturing where they live, what chair they sit in to talk to you, how they dress can affect the way you interact with that person. Unpacking that already established perception can make future interaction difficult if you don't know how to reframe it. Suppose you fabricate the idea that someone is one way and they can't live up to the expectation. That can have a devastating effect on the future of your relationship. Conversely, if you don't expect much, you might not give them the chance to show you their full potential.

It isn't about appearance and learning that their avatar was photo-shopped beyond reason, or that they lied about their body specifications in their profile. It's about their body language and the vibe they emit and their comportment. Those are things that just aren't effectively transmitted electronically.

So, my point is, we already know that the written word isn't as effective as it used to be, and the nuances of emotion you can hear in vocal tone and modulation say so much more. So, the degree of understanding you get when you add that physical (yet intangible) energy to the mix is powerful.

What I now know, from having interacted with my boss in person, changes our relationship. We will have better communication. We have established more trust. We know what sarcasm or frustration or humor or epiphany looks like on the other now. It's about dimension and layers of understanding and it's what it means to be personally involved. That's not just good for romance. It's good for all sorts of relationships.