"Life Is the Only Game in Which the Object of the Game Is to Learn the Rules"

I honestly don't know what I was expecting when I allowed myself to get caught up in American Idol. I know full well it is a product of the corporate music machine. Between the obscene product placement and the sketchy song choices foisted on contestants (hinting strongly at a conflict of interest for Jimmy Iovine), I don't know how I thought my sensibilities wouldn't be offended.

This past week was particularly abominable as Jimmy tried to convince Casey to change his song choice (to "In the Air Tonight" of all things), admonishing him for not listening to him and assuring us it would be a failure. Casey stood his ground and refused to play their game, and in so doing, completely blew us away with a performance that reflected his true artistry and introduced an entire generation to a genre of music that is sorely under-appreciated.

So, here's the relationship question of the day: Do we really have to play "the game" or can we make up our own rules without being benched?

In fact, why does it have to be a game at all. It's life. Isn't it supposed to be real? Aren't we supposed to be real? We are constantly told to put our best foot forward, to be charming, to carefully conceal all our flaws during the dating process, to give the performance of our lives. Are we really expected to build relationships under the caveat emptor mantra? If we never get an honest look at the person who interests us, aren't we bound to end up with buyer's remorse?

There's a line in a Jason Isbell song, "I'm too scared to ask the right questions, and I'm too tired to fill the right shoes." That kind of sums up where I am with this issue. It all feels too contrived and like too much effort to be something you're really not, and then an enormous hassle to maintain the expectation thereafter.

Tying this back to AI, it seems to me that, regardless of whether or not Casey goes any further in this competition, he made the right choice. He gave a stellar performance, maintained his artistic integrity, and earned major points in my book. He was real. He was true to himself. I think that's all we can ever ask of ourselves, and really all anyone else can ever ask of us.

Casey Abrams stuck to his guns and resurrected "Nature Boy" last night to a standing O. Don't you think you should be just as natural as well? Who knows how much your audience might appreciate your delivery?!

Crave the Wave

I was watching television this morning and saw one of those Ocean Spray commercials where the guys are standing in the water in waders and one of them is as dense as a box of rocks. It got me wondering about the whole floating field of cranberries, so I did a little reading. The ad is showing us what they call "wet harvesting." Cranberries are grown in a bog which is flooded at harvest time, then the plants are agitated, and the berries are skimmed off.

That started me thinking about the term "bog." Typically, it has a negative connotation of being weighted down in muck and mire. It is frequently used to describe a situation that seems overwhelming and oppressive. A bog is defined as "wet, spongy ground with soil composed of decayed vegetable matter." Well, no wonder.

We often experience that in our relationships. We get bogged down in routine or fear or disappointment. We become the rotting sludge below the surface. Sounds pretty bleak, huh?

Well, that's why I think we should take a lesson from those gloriously red little spheres of goodness. The cranberry floats to the top and bobs around until it is scooped up. The reason it does this is because it has air pockets inside. I find this process very fascinating and I think we could all stand to be a little more cranberry-esque.

Don't mistake me for a cheerleader suggesting you adopt that annoyingly mindless effervescence that will make me want to punch you. (In fact, cranberries are naturally very tart. As the commercial says, don't add any sugar.) I'm simply suggesting that a little bouyance might offer us a little resilience as we weather the seasons of our relationships.

Taking a cue from the cranberry, give yourself a few air pockets. Translation: Breathe. When you begin to feel bogged down, for whatever reason, stop and take a deep breath. Spend a few moments in meditation or just inhaling and exhaling. It's remarkable what that will do to clear your head, give you balance, and help you rise above all the garbage encroaching on you.

There are a number of other aspects of the cranberry that can be applied here, such as the anti-oxidant properties that help purge our bodies of toxins and damaging free-radicals. WOW, do we need to do that periodically on an emotional and mental level! I also find it interesting that the wet harvesting is used when cranberries will be used for juices, but dry harvesting is used when the berries will be sold fresh. Haven't really worked out the parallels for that one yet, but I'm sure something will come to me.

At any rate, I found that to be a rather inspiring little revelation. Now, I'm going to go spend some time breathing so I can float to the surface of the bog I've found myself in since yesterday. Maybe you'll do the same.

A Natural Woman feels like what, exactly?

It's been an interesting week on Facebook. One of my friends has been posting some really fun articles and photos that have somehow launched a series of conversations involving a diverse group of people that chase so many rabbits, they end in a place miles away from the original topic. It is fascinating to trace the conversation and the path it took. Sometimes you can see how one thought segued into another. Sometimes they are random leaps that give you whiplash.

The reason I bring this up is that one of the posts (which started as an article from the Onion about the counter-intuitiveness of the success of the Edible bouquet company and became a discussion about monastic life and celibacy and how unnatural that was) made me think about what really is a natural state for our relationships.

In the course of the debate, this statement was made: "Of all the sexual perversions out there, celibacy is the only unnatural one." I, being me and being the word geek that I am, felt the need to qualify that on the basis of semantics. I argued that, since perversions are, by definition, an aberration of a natural or normal state, celibacy couldn't be the only unnatural perversion. (It's redundant.) I stated that it would be more accurate to say: "Of all the sexual proclivities out there, celibacy is the only perversion." That launched another etymological and philosophical debate that concluded with a quote from Love & Rockets: "You cannot go against nature b/c when you do go against nature that's a part of nature too."

Now, I've heard a number of people (mostly men) argue that monogamy, and specifically marriage, is an unnatural state -- that only a handful of creatures on the planet mate for life. While that may be true, I think that is a hollow argument for a fear of commitment rather than a biological incapacity for it. I think the primary fallacy is that "mating" is a very different thing from "relating," and as humans we have a need that transcends scratching the proverbial sexual itch. We might not be designed for sexual exclusivity, but we are certainly made to need a companion who offers a consistent emotional/mental/spiritual connection. The ideal is to find them both in one person, but that doesn't always happen. If it does, then by all means, mate -- and relate -- for life. The thing is, we are so bound by societal roles and expectations that we frequently take a ball-peen hammer to that square peg, determined that it will fit the round hole, come hell or high water. THAT is unnatural.

So, I guess my advice, for whatever it's worth, is to take things for what they are. Let them become what they will be. Don't force an unnatural state -- whatever one you may think you need to have -- and then you might actually have something that withstands all the other unnatural things we attempt.

Yours, Mine, and Ours

I've been hearing one of my friends lament on a regular basis about his difficulty in finding a partner. In fact, every time he hears of someone else finding love he asks, "If they can, why can't I." This is not a question that is unfamiliar to me. I've asked it myself.

On the occasions that I can look at that person and the one who found them and say, "Better them than me!" I am consoled and placated for a while. I take comfort in reminding myself that though it seems unfair that they found someone while I remain alone, that someone is definitely not the one for me. Obviously, that doesn't always work. There are times when I look at that someone and think, "She's marrying my husband!" That's when it gets tricky.

Another friend said she doesn't believe in "THE ONE." She believes there are many out there who can be "the one." It depends entirely on where each of you will be when you encounter one another. The idea that there is only one soul mate fated for you is ridiculous because, what if the two of you live on opposite sides of the planet, or in different eras, or just never cross paths? Does that mean you lose your chance for love? Granted, one could make the argument that if the universe doesn't put you in proximity of time or space they are not really meant to be. However, I do think it is more plausible that, because we change significantly over our lifetimes--in our interests, our priorities, our attractions, our needs--that if "the one" doesn't match those criteria, they aren't right for that phase of your life. And, as we know all too well, timing is EVERYTHING.

I also think soul mates aren't always your romantic partners. If you find one in the same, fantastic; but, often, we don't realize that our soul mate is someone we won't have a sexual relationship with at all. Yes, Carrie addressed this in "Sex and the City," but that's not where I got the idea. She just affirmed it.

The Celts have a notion of love and friendship they call: Anam Cara. In Gaelic anam is the word for soul and cara is the word for friend. The "soul friend" is one with whom you could share your inner-most self, your mind, and your heart. This is explained as a relationship that cuts across all convention, morality, and category--the one in whom your heart could be at home, the truest mirror to reflect your soul. (For more information about this, see John O'Donohue's book Anam Cara: A book of Celtic Wisdom.) I really wonder if we are capable of having that kind of vulnerability and exposure with a sexual/romantic partner.

So, here's my thought. While finding romantic love is a motivating force that can (understandably) completely consume us, it isn't the be-all-end-all. I believe it is so much more important to find that soul friend, the mirror to reflect your soul. The truth is, we could all use a really honest look at who we are so we can decide if that's where we want to be, or if we need to discover something more of ourselves so we can be ready for that one when we stumble on their path.

To my friend, I would say, "I know this doesn't make the loneliness go away. I know it doesn't answer the question of 'Why not me?' or get you any closer to the love you want and deserve. But, maybe it helps reframe what you're seeking. Maybe, just maybe, it helps you understand why you've spent this time alone and what you should be doing with it to help prepare you for when the time comes."

Of course, that could be a bunch of BS and cracking open a gallon of Ben & Jerry's together would be more helpful.

Following, Friending, and Failing

As I look around me, I see more and more of my peers who are opting for either no relationship or temporary ones. Several of my friends have divorced and are happy not to go out looking for the next thing. Others just want to keep it casual, dating here and there --getting a little sumpin'-sumpin' on the side when the need arises. I wonder: Has the traditional relationship gone by the wayside? Are we opting for no attachments in this age when human interaction is taking a nose-dive across the board?

I used to preach to my friends that being a serial monogamist -- going from one relationship to the next with no transitional period -- is not healthy. It is important to give yourself time to process the loss, to figure out what you did right and what you did wrong, and to regroup. I still think that's important and a little advice a lot of people need to heed. But, I wonder if more and more people are taking it too much to heart and are withdrawing from the practice altogether.

It really has become all too convenient to negotiate our relationships via electronic means, and real human contact on a professional, social, familial, or romantic level has been reduced to Skyping, Facebooking, and texting. We live for the sound-byte from media and from Twitter. We don't want to know the intimate details of what is going on in anyone's world. It must be said in 100 characters or less. By the same token, we get WAY more information than we need because Facebook is so impersonal. We can over-share without real consequence. But, that's not real intimacy.

I think we are forgetting how to relate to one another face-to-face. I know that was what caused the failure of my friend's marriage. Only one person was doing the communicating for the couple. He actually said he figured he didn't have to work at it anymore, once they were married. Whether it's because we become too busy and pass like the proverbial ships in the night or because we turn it into a Springer-esque shouting match, we don't seem to know how to really talk to one another.

I saw an article recently that indicated the use of the telephone for actual spoken conversations is quickly disappearing. At first, technology allowed us to lose the art of letter writing -- you know, the actual putting of pen to paper to express ideas and messages in a thoughtful way -- such that we toss emails back and forth without regard for accuracy or effectiveness in communication. Now, we are losing the ability for verbal communication as well. At this rate, we will all become a bunch of isolated individuals getting our food, our work, our paychecks, our socialization, and our sexualization on our handy laptops.

As I've said before, relationships (of any sort) are messy and inconvenient. But, aside from the obvious benefits of getting to clean up with a partner, it's important to understand that our up-close-and-personal interaction is what really shapes us as human beings. It is what really makes us who we are. All the heartbreaks and disputes and frustrations and laughter and comfort and love we get by being involved with other humans is the most important stuff we will ever do. And, you clearly can't get that from emoticons. Heck, Facebook still hasn't managed to give us a means for italics, much less that sarcasm font we need so desperately.

To sum it up: Thanks for reading my blog. I appreciate the interest and I hope you'll keep coming back for more; but, for now, get off the damned computer and go out and be with someone.

It's out there . . .

It was 1989 when Harry met Sally and she sobbed to him "I'm gonna be 40!" He asks, "When?" and she responds, "Someday!" I remember laughing at the absurdity of fretting over something that was eight years away, particularly since it was over twenty years into my future and I couldn't even conceive of what 40 would look like for me.

Well, my 40 isn't just "out there." It's in two days and I still don't quite know what to make of it. Most of the time I feel stuck at about twenty-six. I try to do the "dress for success" thing and end up feeling like the little girl in the photo on my mom's wall from when I played dress-up with my cousin in my great-grandmother's attic, wearing a broad-brimmed hat and a 40's-style dress that was clearly designed to elegantly drape over boobies which had yet to emerge on my 8-year-old body. I fill out the dress now, but the confidence still droops.

Here's the thing about turning 40 in this day and age. It's not the end of the road for single women. We don't have to face our biological clocks winding down with the same fear and trepidation because there are so many advancements in fertility aids. We don't have to stress the stigma of being relegated to Old-maid-dom and being past marrying age. We don't have to have husbands or fathers to help take care of us anymore.

So, why do we still become consumed with the anxiety of being associated with this number? Why are we agonizing over another decade coming to a close, moving to the next box for age demographics? Well, I'd have to say it's because even as logical as the aforementioned justifications for still being single sound, we don't buy it. We also live in a world where those platitudes are something we tell ourselves to make the bitter pill go down smoother, not because they actually apply to real life.

I think an even bigger part of this, beyond the pressure of societal expectations, is the basic desire for companionship, the compelling need to build a life with someone. The idea of celebrating 60 years with someone when you're 80 is a beautiful thing. The adorable elderly couple that still holds hands, the husband who says his wife is as beautiful as the day he married her are images we cherish. It's no wonder we want to get started early.

I'm going to lay down the truth about all of that: 1) Those couples are a rarity, and I'm not just being cynical. Many times divorce happens. Sometimes spouses die earlier than you ever dreamed possible. Other times marriages are just convenient and couples live in tolerance, if not apathy, for those 60 years. It isn't ever as perfect as the pictures project. 2) You can still love as deeply and as purely if it happens after 40 descends on you. A dear friend of mine met the love of her life when she was over 40 and they had a beautiful marriage. Over-the-hill might just mean a new point of view. Keep that in mind.

So, here's the deal . . . I turn 40 in less than 48 hours. I am going to enjoy the last bit of my 30's, but I will gladly kiss them goodbye. They were tough. I made a bit of progress. I struggled a fair amount. I learned a lot. (I will offer this caveat: I do have a child already, and most of the time people think I'm in my late 20's. That certainly takes the sting out of some aspects of this approaching milestone.) But, I laid the groundwork for what I believe will be my best decade yet.

I am totally looking forward to my forties and everything that comes with it. I don't expect I'll be a cougar, though I can tolerate being called a MILF. I won't be desperate or urgent or frantic about finding the love that has eluded me in the years preceding. It's okay, because I am truly enjoying discovering me. This doesn't mean I don't care about that. Of course I do. Why do you think I'm doing this silly blog? It just means I've done a lot of hard work over the last several years and I think I'm finally becoming someone the right man would want to be with for a lifetime. I don't know that I can say that about the earlier, younger me.

All of that is to say, whether that great love finds you as you are skipping through campus as a freshman, by the water cooler on your first job, at a 30-and-lovin-it singles mixer, or in the joint supplement aisle of the Whole Foods store, the important thing is to be someone you love first. The rest will come, or not, when it's supposed to. That I do believe, whether I like it or not.

Spring has Schwung

With Valentine's Day safely behind us we are now moving into that gloriously miserable time of year called SPRING! We see the signs of rebirth, regeneration, rejuvenation and it makes us . . . well, horny.

I apologize if I've offended any delicate sensibilities with my candor. But, really, come on people, let's call a spade a spade. The pollen doesn't just inflame our mucous membranes. There is a reason we often use "the birds and the bees" as a euphemism for sex. They are more active in the spring, and we are too. We get frisky after being hunkered down and dormant for those long, cold winter months. We finally have energy again and it is so very exciting. We shed the layers of clothing and drudgery. And guess what happens?! We start looking to mate.

Now, that's all well and good. In fact, it's natural. It's nature doing what nature does best. Who can argue with that? The trouble is, for those of us who are single, it marks the passage of another season gone without that special someone and heightens the pressure to make it happen soon. It's almost more intense than the pressure we feel to get the beach body ready for summer. Afterall, who wants to face another season of parties, bbq's, festivities, and such without a little summer lovin'?

The important thing to remember is that this time, when everything is in bloom, can yield fields of folly, bouquets of buffoonery, and nosegays of nonsense if you let the urgency you feel take over your common sense. You can use the energy of this time to blossom personally and till the earth of your potential. Get reacquainted with you and what you really have to offer someone. It's amazing what appeal a self-aware and confident persona has for those bees out there looking to do a little "pollinating."

Summer will be here soon enough and it will bring all kinds of carefree fun in the sun, and a fair amount of blisteringly brutal heat. Watch the buds emerge and enjoy discovering what comes to the surface. Let nature take it's course.

Spring isn't a time of desperation and anxiety. It embodies all the hope and potential of the universe. Take that and run with it through the meadows of daisies and other wild flowers.

Tarzan, Captain Caveman, and other Neanderthals

According to Greg Behrendt, men like the chase. They like to be in the driver's seat, be the ones to call, to make the moves, and don't want to be pursued by women. It's a turn-off. By this logic, if a man is not clubbing me over the head and dragging me to his cave, I can safely assume he's not interested. But, if I am lucky enough to be sporting a concussion, I can rest assured I'm a popular lady.

This is not just the advice we got from Mr. Behrendt in his infamous book, it's what our mothers told us when we were young. I can't count the times my mom said I shouldn't call a boy because it makes you seem too loose. I must admit, it must be valid on some level as I have never really heeded that advice and am still single. HOWEVER, the problem with this notion as it is detailed in He's Just Not That Into You is in the Q & A where, over and over again, women submitted scenarios trying to understand why the guy wasn't calling or trying to find out if she should. The consistent answer is: If he's not calling he's not interested. Guys go after what they want and they don't let anything stand in their way.

Okay. I agree that it's pretty much a fundamental of human nature to overcome insurmountable odds to get that which you desire. But, this argument essentially disallows any possibility for insecurity in men and no room for life circumstances that prevent action. Am I really supposed to buy that ALL men are so confident and well-adjusted (or so cocky and blindly ignorant) that they always go for it? Puh-leeze! While I will grant you the average male is one or the other on most days, everyone has feelings of inferiority, periods of doubt, dips in self-esteem. I don't believe I am supposed to take every lack of response as a personal rejection. Sometimes he is intimidated. Sometimes he does get busy. Sometimes he isn't savvy enough to find you after losing your number. (Granted, you may not want those men calling you anyway, but that's for another blog.)

I struggled after recently reading the excerpt from this book. On one hand he was encouraging every woman to move on to the next guy because you are all too fabulous to waste time on a loser who isn't interested enough to put forth the effort. On the other, he was asking us to buy into the principle that 9.99 times out of 10 we haven't succeeded in capturing the interest of any of the men we encounter. Wow! I feel truly fabulous. How about you? Then I realized that even though men and women do operate from different places and don't think or process things the same way, we are all human. We all fear rejection. We all want to be desired. Men may want to have the power, but with that comes all the responsibility and the risk. Even when they are thinking with their little brains, the weight of that still has to give them pause.

So, what do we do? Defy the advice of our mothers and Greg? Do we go ahead and call? I believe each situation has unique circumstances that will dictate your response. Was this a first date? Are you in the same circle of friends? How did you come to have a date in the first place?

The truth is, it isn't as simple as "Me Tarzan, You Jane," though I kind of wish it could be. Life is complicated. Relationships are complicated. Simple human interaction gets complicated. Yet, such a simplistic view of things seems to actually complicate things further. Maybe it's a little uncomfortable and, yes, you have to be prepared to get the answer you don't want; but, how about being direct and just asking, "Are you in to me?"

Back pedaling? I think not!

Yesterday I blogged about our voyeuristic dependence on movies for romantic fulfillment. I'm not changing my tune for fear of backlash from the Hollywood establishment. I am, however, fine-tuning my statement. If you enjoy this particular genre of film, by all means, consume as much as possible until your little fake-butter-stained, popcorn-grabbing fingers can take no more. I am simply issuing a word of caution about getting so sucked in to this artificial world that you can't find satisfaction in your own.

American author Walker Percy once said the role of fiction is to "show man something of himself that he knows, but doesn't know he knows." I think that's what we can get from Romantic Comedies, and film in general. Viewed with the proper perspective, we can learn a lot about ourselves. We can discover aspects of ourselves we didn't realize were there: a sentimentality, a cynicism, a unique attraction, or an aversion we wouldn't have uncovered otherwise. The key is to know how to practically apply that information, that new understanding, to the real parts of our lives. Use it to grow and engage in your life rather than just wading through it.

I actually love Romantic Comedies. I'm a sucker, what can I say? And I'm not preaching from some lofty place of self-actualization. I am speaking from experience. But, I've learned no matter how you may try to orchestrate the most perfectly cinematic moment--the kind they would work into their next film should a movie mogul happen to see it--there will always be something to go awry. The girl will chip her tooth on the ring strategically hidden in the dessert. The guy will wrench his back trying to take you to ecstasy on the dining room table.

Even if you aren't shooting for those kinds of acrobatics, it rains when it wasn't predicted, your mom shows up unannounced, they get a nasty cold and can't make it. BUT, that shouldn't stop you from trying to cultivate romance and provide that experience for that special someone. Just remember to avoid highly-flammable fabrics and take bugspray, for heaven sake!

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves in relationships already, without the unachievable being set as our goal by external forces. Okay, so you want to impress. That's great, but let your goal be inspiration, not imitation. You need to BE natural, not ACT natural.

Line?

Today I read a headline that said we are all more interested in Jennifer Aniston's love life than in her movies. It was intended to be a criticism of her latest film Switch, but I think it is a pretty strong commentary on where we are as a society that the dating successes and failures of this celebrity warrants a headline at all.

We are so wrapped up in watching what other people do and either mimicking or scrutinizing it that we can't even function in our own lives. We don't know how to do romance without trying to emulate what we see on screen. We wish for a soundtrack to swell and swoon, punctuating that sweeping embrace. And where's the lighting guy to make us glow prettily, bathed in a swathe of warm hues?

Our expectations are so dictated by the carefully crafted cinematic events that we don't stop to consider how they would play out in real life. Imagine if a stranger showed up at the Empire State Building knowing your name and intimate details of your life. I know I'd get a restraining order! And, as adorable as that floppy mop of hair might be, Hugh Grant's signature character would be maddeningly insufferable after about a week.

We can't get an honest look from Hollywood at what we face in the search for love. Even He's Just Not That Into You, which boasted a pragmatic and brutally honest look at romance, wrapped up so nicely and neatly that everyone got what they wanted--or what they deserved.

My point? This love stuff is tricky. It's not formulaic and resolved in under two hours. You don't have a wacky side-kick who provides the comic relief and the poignant, yet clever quips that enlighten you and instantaneously provide the answer to make all your romantic dreams come true.

I've come to the conclusion that the only way to actually have something real is to acknowledge that we did buy all those fairytale promises and media-fed fantasies . . . and let them go. True love may exist, but only if you truly work at it. You have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty. Dig in up to your elbows, clawing through the awkwardness, insecurity, unsurity, and frustration. Take the risks. Make the mistakes. Go down the wrong paths. Just make sure you do it yourself, because, as we all know, even the perfect script hasn't helped Jennifer Aniston get it right in real life.