Disclaimer

I was talking with my best friend the other day about my blog. She had been reading some of the entries and commented that it is a little ironic that I would be blogging about relationships. She's right. It is ironic. You see, I've never actually had what you would call a "romantic relationship." I've dated . . . a little. I've . . . well, there's really no tactful way to say what I've done more frequently.

In high school, I was the gal pal. In college, I learned there were apparently a few guys who were interested but thought I was dating someone (a specific, scary someone) and didn't pursue me (out of fear for their safety). It wasn't long after I really started "getting out there" I ended up pregnant, which brought the whole thing to a screeching halt for me. My son's father and I weren't even dating. We did try to live together when I figured out I was pregnant. That lasted about four months.

I spent the next 3 years focused on making sure my child survived his heart condition, then focused on making sure we survived period. When he started school, so did I. I dove into finishing my education and starting my career. Life has this tendency to take over and set your priorities for you.

So, here I am 15 years later and I have re-entered this rat race with a seriously long hiatus to make me even MORE out of practice. Maybe some would argue that means I have no business talking to you about relationships. Perhaps. But, I do know this: I may not have left a sea of boyfriends in my wake. I may not have a 20 year partnership under my belt. BUT, I have had relationships with people, and there's really not much that's different in the long run.

Another friend of mine shared with me the other day that a friend of his made a comment about how we have this tendency to dismiss relationships we've ended as bad ones, as failed attempts. He asked why is it that we can't view them as good for the time they were good. It's a valid thought. We can all take away something from every experience, every relationship. Don't be so quick to write it off as a waste of time. Learn something from it that you can apply to the next one.

I believe that is also true for every type of relationship we have. Maybe I haven't been a girlfriend, wife, lover. But, I have been a daughter, a sister, a mother, a colleague, a friend, and in most cases, fairly successful at all of them. All of that is the foundation for what we bring to the table in romantic relationships. We learn about communication, trust, compromise, and love through these relationships. We just take it to an even more intimate level when we date or marry or co-habitate.

I've also learned how to be a good observer and listener. I've gleaned a lot from the successes and failures of my friends and loved ones. So, here's the important thing: I'm not purporting to be an expert on relationships. Far from it! I'm just a girl making observations, sharing thoughts and musings, hoping that some of what I've taken in, assimilated, and processed over my 40 years will end up being useful, or at least food for thought.

Thanks for your continued interest in my little experiment here. I hope you find this journey with me worth your time. Maybe we'll stumble across some answers together.

Hedging Your Bets

Recently I've seen the following saying floating around a few places: Never make someone a priority when, for them, you are only an option.

On the surface this seems like pretty sound advice. It certainly caught my eye the first time I saw it, and made me go Ooh, that's good.

Here's the thing. It does advise us to be careful about over-estimating a relationship (or a perceived relationship) in which you are not equally committed, where one might be more emotionally invested than the other. That's smart. It's heart-break insurance. It's self-preservation -- a little personal protection. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Well, for one thing, it sets us up for failure. When we aren't open to possibilities, we don't achieve them. When we don't take risks, we see no rewards. You know, nothing ventured, nothing gained and all.You may say "Well, that's just reckless. Who wants to get their heart broken?" I can assure you I don't, nor do I wish for anyone else to feel that pain. I know it hurts like hell to be in deeper than the person you want to be in deep with.

***And, be sure, I'm not recommending you pursue a crush to the bitter end. If you are admiring them from afar and they haven't given you their phone number willingly, this does not apply to you. You are barking up the wrong tree. This is for those who actually have non-court-chaperoned or non-cyberstalkish interaction with someone.***

But, that said, I think we all have a tendency to hedge our bets, to hold off being the first to put the cards on the table and be honest about how we feel. So, why meander in the wilderness of uncertainty? Why wait for the other person to make the move? If you feel something for someone, tell them. Life is too short to play around with these games. There is a good chance they won't reciprocate. But, there's also a chance that the reason you have only been an "option" for them is because they are trying to keep their options open so they don't get sucker-punched. Sometimes they are holding back on making you a priority to make sure they will be one to you as well.

And here's a thought: What is wrong with occasionally putting someone else before yourself? Isn't it okay to sometimes give without getting? Granted, that is not what you want for the status quo of your relationship, but it's certainly worth exploring.

So, the worst that can happen is they say, "No, I don't feel that way about you." Okay. What happens then? You choose to live with what they can give, or you move on to something that hopefully will be what you want. Plus, you now have the knowledge that you can rip off the band-aid and survive. BUT, there's also the possibility that you'll hear what you want to hear. They will say, "What took you so long?" Of course, if it works, you now have to actually do a relationship. Are you ready for that?!

I Promise to Love (check), Honor (check), and Obey (ch . . . wait! What the . . .?)

I saw a headline the other day that Kate Middleton is refusing to say "obey" in her vows. I was rather put out by the notion that this is news. It seems to me it should be news if a woman does agree to "obey" her husband these days. It is a ridiculous and archaic custom and makes me think the standard wedding vows should really be overhauled for the modern age.

I know a lot of couples already replace obey with something like cherish, respect, or some other choice word. And, that's fine. But, there's a whole lot in the traditional vows that does not reflect modern relationships. To have and to hold, til death do us part, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. Honestly, I don't think any of this really captures the promises I want out of my partner. Sure, one could argue they cover the big stuff and if not in letter, certainly in spirit, address the important things. The trouble with that is, if you can loosely define how those rules apply, you can just as loosely interpret them so they don't apply.

I've had a friend staying with me for a few months and, while I am very grateful for everything they do to help around the house, it's honestly making me crazy! Not unlike when I was bed-ridden after my appendectomy and my mom had to help around the house. As well intentioned as people might be, they don't know where things go and they don't know how you do things.

Now, I know this is going to make me sound like an inflexible shrew who probably shouldn't get married (and I'm not prepared to vigorously argue that point with you); however, I feel I should be allowed to defend myself. I have EXTREMELY limited storage space in a VERY small kitchen. That means, in order to function well and produce what I must, it is necessary to be creative. Things have a specific place where they reside. It's important. You can't just put them anywhere. That creates avalanches when you try to get to something or clutter on the precious, prime real estate of my countertops.

I'm also limited in storage throughout my house, so I fold laundry in a certain way for space-saving reasons, not because I'm plagued with OCD. I also have a routine that helps me keep track of all I have to do as a single mother managing a whole host of responsibilities a lot of people already get to share with a partner. Yes, I recognize some of these issues would change as households are merged, but not necessarily for the better.

So, all of this is leading up to an updated set of vows for the "already established" or "late-in-life" bride or groom. These are the promises you can make and expect from your partner, should you venture into that sketchy territory.

I, insert name, take you, insert name, to be the latest addition to my world. I promise to make room for you on a schedule that we can both live with, to modify my habits to prevent conflict, so long as it doesn't compromise my ability to function in my (our) hectic life (together). If you promise not to try to put things away without direct supervision, I promise to teach you how to be the most efficient version of yourself possible. I commit to remaining the obnoxiously independent person you fell in love with and will not ask you to change the same about yourself. In fact, I promise to work toward the ability to buy a house with a wing for each of us, or multiple homes so we can maintain personal space. With all my love, from this day forward I give you access to my world on a level no one else is privileged to know.

Yes, I realize this is rather cynical, hardly romantic, and somewhat dismissive. It is not my intention to diminish any vows anyone has already taken. I'm just saying, for me (and perhaps others out there), the ideals of marriage promised in those long-spoken words don't really work. It's unbelievably tough to imagine sharing your world with someone after being relatively autonomous in it for the majority of your adult life.

Practicality tends to win out over romance once you get past the honeymoon anyway. Why not start at the ceremony calling a spade a spade. Recognize that you are set in your ways, and don't apologize for that. To be successful in relationships late in life, you have to be willing to recognize your limitations and those of your partner and be willing to work around them, because you're DEFINITELY NOT going to change them. For those who start early enough to grow and form living habits together, this isn't an issue; but, for those who haven't had to consider the needs of others in their personal space, it's an adjustment. Just keep that in mind.

Super-Size Me!

I am a big advocate for changing our food system. I support in every way I can the movement toward getting our food from local and sustainable sources. It is an issue that has been gaining a lot of attention thanks to Jamie Oliver, and I hope it will see nationwide success. (And, I hope, through the efforts of my friend Jeremy Barlow, who happens to run his restaurant that way and is writing a book on the subject now.) The thing is, there is an obesity epidemic in this country and there are other contributing factors. For one, we are really lazy and don't get an appropriate amount of activity.

But, an even more significant component (which isn't being addressed) is our issues with portion control, and there are two main factors here: 1) Gluttony - we have the misconception that to get our money's worth, we must be provided a platter of food that has three times more than a human should consume in a day, much less one meal. 2) Chewing - I have been observing a lot of people for some time and have come to realize no one actually chews their food anymore. We pop open the flip-top and dump it down our throats.

There are a number of things that would happen if we could just change this one practice. First, we would actually taste our food. Imagine that! When that happens, we are satiated much sooner and have less tendency to over-eat. It also allows us to actually break down the food we consume and get the vital nutrients from it. Swallowing our food whole prevents us from enjoying it or benefiting from it.

So, now you're probably wondering what all of this has to do with relationship advice. Well . . . nothing. This has become the proverbial fly in my ointment and I wanted to blog about it. I suppose if you need something to justify this rant being here . . . Your health matters! Your vitality, vim, and vigor have an impact on the enjoyment of your lives. It is important to do everything you can to ensure this is a well-oiled machine. Those who care about you want to see that you are around for a long time.

The only things that should be "Biggie" sized are your heart (not the actual organ, mind you), your personality, and your awareness of what you mean to others and what they mean to you. We could all stand to scale back our consumption of everything but love and laughter. (Yes, I went a little hippie on you there.)

I know I hijacked this post to preach a little. Well, to preach a little off-topic. But, it seemed important. So, just slow down and savor your food. Heck! Savor every part of life. You'll thank me for it later.

Shadow Boxing

During the early 90s I frequented a dance club downtown. It was one of the few cool places to go at the time. This morning I woke up remembering a particular guy who was also a regular there. I don't recall his name, but I could see him very vividly in my mind's eye. I was quite intrigued by him, and he was oh so mysterious. Tall, good-looking, great style, and was a great dancer. He did a style of dance -- shadow boxing -- that I'd only seen at the raves in London up to that point. No one else in Nashville was doing it. I was mesmerized.

One night I gathered the courage to talk to him, totally prepared to swoon. I told him I liked the way he danced. I'm not sure what I was expecting . . . but, when he opened his mouth, he COMPLETELY destroyed the illusion. I was devastated. And, much to my dismay, he was happy to talk to me! Between the thick southern drawl and his inability to actually make interesting conversation, I watched my cute little fantasy evaporate before my eyes.

It was just like a scene out of a movie. You know, the one where the Adonis emerges from the pool all shiny and muscular and luscious, he smiles as he saunters by and you are in heaven. Then he utters some kind of unholy squawking and it becomes clear the steroids shriveled some really important stuff. Or, the man at the end of the bar, who is so divinely coiffed, perfectly put together, seems like a successful professional. When he buys you a drink, you're elated, but a few minutes into chatting you up he reveals he's a bigoted pig who is living in his mother's basement. And, for all my male readers out there, it's the super model gliding through the crowd at a party. She chooses to land next to you and suddenly you feel you can conquer the world . . . until you discover that her vapid nonsense is sucking the air out of the room.

The thing is, there are certainly things that are universally appealing. We will daydream about them. We are sucked in by these fanciful images. We concoct a god-like entity as we elevate them higher and higher on a pedestal in our imaginations. We think beauty will permeate every cell of their being, and it usually doesn't. Our delusions tend to come with pesky, unexpected caveats, which are disappointing at best, earth-shattering at worst.

It's our ignis fatuus. The words themselves have an elusive, fantastic quality about them, don't they? It means: a deceptive goal or hope. Also described as "a light that sometimes appears in the night over marshy ground." Evokes a lovely, etherealness, doesn't it? BUT, here's the other part of that definition -- the one that shatters the illusion -- it's usually caused by gas emitted from decaying organic material. The ground farts and it makes pretty fumes. How's that for destroying the dream?

So, here's the message: The next time you catch yourself being overcome by the elusive chimera you long for from afar, remember it's a facade. And, the next time you find you've been comparing (and belittling) yourself, wondering why you can't achieve that impossible standard, make a closer inspection. There are cracks in that veneer.

We all idolize, fantasize, and idealize. It's natural. Just don't let it take away from your reality.

Charlie's Angels

I think it was Margaret Cho who said in her stand-up routine that whenever three girlfriends are together, the Charlie's Angel principle applies. That means you will always find the smart one, the sweet one, and the whore. I may be sketchy on the origin of this concept, but I'll never forget the response of my friend when we heard this. She eagerly started around the room, "So she's the smart one, you (meaning me) are the sweet one, and . . . oh, wait! That makes me the whore!"

Though she was more than a little deflated at that realization, I don't think it's that big a deal. The truth is every woman has a little of each in her. One might be more pronounced in a given scenario or at a particular stage in life. In fact, I'd say the one that is dominant will probably determine the state of your romantic life at the time. And, it's only when you reach the point that you can fully embrace the trinity that you are truly yourself.

Allow me to make some sweeping generalizations and gross stereotypes for a moment to make a point.

The "Smart One," well, we know she is going to intimidate the hell out of every man. It will be hard for her to find someone compatible who will measure up to her expectations, keep up with her, and not feel emasculated.

The "Sweet One" will either fall victim to a series of bad relationships because she won't stand up for herself, or she won't date at all because she isn't capable of asserting herself to grab someone's attention.

The "Whore." Do we really have to go any further? Obviously, we can recite the "milk-cow-free" warning, but, honestly, what woman wants to be compared to a cow, even the ones with little self-respect, and when has it ever really worked?

So, my point is, when you allow yourself to be one-dimensional, you run the risk of being categorized, reduced to a cliche, and have assumptions applied to you. None of us, even if we lean to one type or another, is so simply defined. We all have layers -- upbringing, personal experiences, environmental factors -- that make us more than what we appear on the surface, something beyond the label of "smart," "sweet," or "slut."

The truth is, I think we all imagine being able to be a little more of one or the other that we don't think we embody. These terms actually characterize us unfairly. Being smart is not a bad thing, but what if you were called savvy instead? Having people say you are sweet isn't an insult, but what if they chose the word endearing? A whore gets a bit of a bad rap, but what if the alternative was coquettish?

On the playground, we chose for ourselves, or were assigned a role when playing "Charlie's Angels." You might have been Kelly when you really wanted to be Jill. Or maybe Sabrina was your idol, but someone else got her, so you were stuck with Kris. As adults, it is important to realize, you should be the one to decide who you are, which Angel you identify with most, and when you can transition between them.

Remember: they were a team and no mission was successful without all their talents put to work in unison.

Fact, Fiction, or Faction?

So, my friend and I have both been in the unpleasant state of job-hunting lately. Talking with him yesterday, I explained that one of my biggest struggles with the whole job search is that I am not one to "inflate" or "pad" my resume. I will not talk up my attributes beyond what I feel is accurate. Yes, I understand that probably does not do me any favors, but I am less afraid of poverty than I am of talking my way into a job beyond my abilities.

I pitch my reality and if that's not enough, so be it. I had the happy occasion today to have an interview for which I was able to truthfully report personal success in every area that would be required of the position. I could honestly say, "I've done this and I've done it well. I am what you need, and what you want."

What does all of this have to do with relationship advice, you ask? Well, how often do we fall victim to the same pressure in dating? I find it really intriguing that I don't have that same confidence to say to someone who interests me: "I am what you need, and what you want." How often do any of us feel sure enough of who we are and what we have to offer to lay it down with such gusto? Or do we have a tendency to over-compensate and swing too far in the other direction? Do we over-promise and under-deliver?

In this age of online dating, the digital format of "getting to know one another" creates a perfect environment for that. In fact, I'd venture to say that it is a rarity to find a profile that is completely accurate. Don't get me wrong, just as with a job interview, you want to put your best foot forward, make a good impression.

You wouldn't show up to pitch yourself for a coveted spot with a prized company wearing your breakfast-stained pajamas and tell them you probably won't show up 27% of the time. In the same vein, who is going to choose for their profile pic the accidental snapshot taken by the phone when it dropped? Or fill out that ridiculous questionnaire on a day when you are sick, fresh out of a break-up, or PMS-ing?

Everyone wants to make a good impression, and that's important. The key is that you present the best version of your true self, not a distorted fabrication of who you think they want you to be. Perhaps, a little faction is in order -- that perfect blend of truth with a flourish.

So, ask yourself: How honest do you expect someone to be? What omitted bits of information (however dull) are a deal breaker? Is it better to be a story-teller or an accountant? Do you want the raw numbers or is it okay to gild the occasional lily?

Fixer-Upers

Well, my blog about Barbie prompted some interesting discussion about what men and women really want. It got me thinking about the expectations we set out before us as we start dating. We have standards -- physical and personality features that are a must, social status or ideals we can't live without. We start out with a mental checklist, or if we are online dating, a profile that takes three hours to fill out.

As time goes by we start to whittle away at those requirements and maybe tall, dark, and handsome becomes average height, darkish, and good-looking. At some point, if we haven't found "him" it might be reduced to at least taller than me, what was the dark about anyway?, and it's not about the external beauty.

Yes, we start to settle. And, that's not necessarily a bad thing as long as we are not compromising on the things that really make a relationship work, the things that make for true compatibility. When we agree to a relationship with someone who doesn't measure up, the truth is it is usually with the ill-conceived notion that we can change them. It makes me want to scream what I do in horror movies: "DON'T GO IN THAT ROOM!!"

It's like going into a merger that is supposedly mutually beneficial only to find out half the existing staff is eliminated as soon as the contracts are signed and S.O.P. is completely overridden. You can't do inter-personal relationships like a hostile take-over. It is important to recognize that people are flawed and you can either live with it or you can't. If the other person is also cognizant of their short-comings and wants to make those changes, you are encouraged to be there and support them in their efforts. But, marriage/life-time commitment is not about buying a fixer-uper.

The thing is, people don't change unless it is truly in their hearts to do so. If you choose someone who isn't right for you, hoping you can make them so, you will have a life of disappointment. You will find yourself retiring with someone you don't like and the only thing you have in common is a shared history of misery.

Being alone or dating through your 40s is not fun, but how can settling be any better? I'm very particular and I refuse to settle. But, I also don't think I'm unrealistic. Here's my list. He must:

• be intelligent enough to keep up with me in conversation,
• have my same strange sense of humor that is a combination of adolescent absurdity and intellectual banter,
• have integrity and a sense of social justice,
• be strong enough that he isn't pushed around by me (or anyone else) but wise enough to know how to pick his battles,
• be kind and gentle but with an edge,
• have, or at least be okay with, tattoos,
• be taller than I am (my only shallow requirement).

There may not be anyone who can measure up and I may end up single for the rest of my life, but I know this: I'm too busy raising one boy to be a man to try and overhaul one who should already be there.

So, what are your expectations? What shapes them? What informs them? What causes you to modify them? And probably most important of all, what are your expectations for yourself? Are you living up to them? Should you reevaluate, and perhaps, elevate them? Is the person most in need of change you?

Barbie: Get Real, Honey!

This morning I posted a link on Facebook:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42595605/ns/today-today_people/

It precipitated quite a few outraged responses about the notion that this life-sized Barbie represented what was attractive to men. Interestingly enough, none of the responses were from women. To my male friends I would say the following:

You are all quite noble in your defense of the "average-sized" woman. But, the image in the media persists for a reason. Women still flock in droves to have their bodies mutilated to reflect certain standards established by Hollywood because they are inescapable. The truth is, this might be an exaggeration, but not by a lot. We are led to believe we must have a tiny waist, huge breasts, legs that go on for days, and an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. I don't believe it's a few women perpetuating those unattainable dimensions to make the rest of us miserable.

Until we send a very clear message to the PTB that women of all shapes and sizes ARE beautiful, that our movie and tv stars don't have to be a size zero with a special bra made to fit their F-cup chest, and until we stop making the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue the best-selling periodical of each year, this demand will continue.

Men, and women, it's time to put your money where your mouth is. Stop buying fashion magazines that insist on creating fashions that only work on a 5'9" and 115lb. body. Stop renting porn that features women with a 20" waist and a 40" bust. Stop watching television shows when you notice the starlettes shrinking before your very eyes. Stop supporting this industry that makes us feel inferior for being in the majority.

I am, for the first time in my adult life, what would be called average, based on the clothing size I wear. I battle myself to reconcile that with the number on the scale and how I actually feel in my skin. Yet, I look at the images shoved in front of me and catch myself thinking "Oh, I have so far to go!" That is wrong. My primary concern should (and really is most of the time) be: Am I healthy? In fact, that should be the only question any of us ever ask ourselves.

Next, start telling your wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers they really are beautiful the way they are. Start supporting their efforts to get healthy, not skinny. Start letting your daughters know it's okay to eat like a normal, healthy kid. Start sending the message that a size 12-14 is sexy.

So, friends, while I appreciate your assurances that this stacked & packed Barbie holds no appeal for you, please keep that in mind the next time you think Tom Brady is so lucky. Gisele is probably a raging bitch because she can't eat a freakin' slice of pizza for fear of becoming unemployable.

This one's for you! (You know who you are!)

I posted on my status this morning that I'd recently learned Facebook has a feature that, in essence, allows you to cyber-stalk your friends. Aside from the uber-creepyness of that whole concept, I find it more than a little disturbing that we are so lazy now that even psycho-obsessive behavior doesn't require getting out from behind the laptop. But, I digress . . . .

The point of this blog (because I promised someone I would do one today) is about obsessing. I think the title of this blog will be a big clue to you about what tendency you have toward obsessing. If you spend more than a nano-second wondering if you are the person to whom I am referring, you might be an obsessor. See what I did there? Have fun with that today!!!

Seriously, in terms of relationships, I think this tendency is one of the worst for driving a wedge between you and those you love. And, we are all prone to doing it. We become absorbed with the tiniest of most insignificant things that were said or not said, done or not done. Girls, it is a time-tested tradition that men believe we are elephant-like in our memory of every little detail. The stereotype persists that we cling to every miniscule misstep or omission like a hoarder, stockpiling them for a future date when we just might need to use that minor infraction against them.

Now, obviously there are some issues that escape the attention of men which should not be overlooked. They are, afterall (so stereotypically) non-observant oafs who wouldn't notice the elephant in the room if she sat on his lap. However, more times than not, if you have to tell him what he "did wrong," it probably isn't worth mentioning. Sometimes it comes down to a matter of perspective and who is being hyper-sensitive. (No, that's not just directed at the female readers. Boys can be overly sensitive too.)

It all boils down to picking your battles. As a parent we quickly learn the importance of this lesson or risk losing our sanity. Sometimes saying "no" because that is your routine answer isn't the best approach. Sometimes making a federal case out of something perpetuates discord that is totally unnecessary. With your children and your significant others . . . trying not to be gender biased here . . . it is often more effective to let some things slide as long as no one was physically harmed, no laws or moral codes were broken, and it's really no skin off your nose to let it go. Especially when harping on it isn't going to get the desired result anyway.

Why not start practicing now. This will be your mantra . . . Let it go! Let it go! Let it go! . . . It's amazing what releasing some of that baggage will do for your relationship. If you make a habit of ignoring one meaningless bit of minutae every day, you'll find you feel less like an elephant -- lighter and less encumbered by burdens you don't need to carry with you.

So, here's to letting it go on occasion. Here's to allowing your obsessions to fade into obsolescence just like the sickeningly-sweet cologne by Calvin Klein.