Are You The Odd Couple?

Compatibility. I've been thinking about that a lot lately as I've had a friend staying with me for a few months. Don't get me wrong. I'm not using this blog to passive-aggressively bitch about him. But, it has made me realize that compatibility of lifestyles is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Yes, it is important when you consider partnering with someone that you nail down the big stuff like how you feel about children, marriage, money, religion. But, it is equally important to figure out the nitty-gritty of living together that you can't determine from dinner conversation.

I'm talking about things like: Does he spend more time grooming himself in the bathroom than you do? Can you work with that? Do you have particulars about housecleaning that he can't honor? Are you willing to pick up his slack? Does she need more "face time" than you are willing to give? Where's the compromise? Does it bother you to have someone always probing your brain for your thoughts? How much are you willing to share?

My friend and temporary roommate has a lot of security hang-ups. I get that, and I totally understand why, as I know the source of them. However, it makes me crazy that he can't also understand that when the cats have broken the blinds trying to see out them, I have to keep them raised so I'm not replacing every set of blinds in the house each month. Most of the curtains close to provide privacy. It also bugs the snot out of me that he tries to close the one set of curtains that aren't designed to be closed. They're only window dressings. (YES, I am aware that men don't understand why you'd have something that wasn't functional. Give me a break, I found a fabric remnant I liked, and that was all I could do with it.) Besides, they aren't on a window that is a security risk anyway.

So, my point is, I know, in many circles, it is taboo to live together before you are married. I think they should reconsider that position, cause here's the thing . . . if the reason for this restriction is your fear of encouraging premarital sex, I'll let you in on a little secret: You don't have to co-habitate to find means and opportunity for that. More importantly, sharing your life and your space with someone is one of the biggest stressors on a relationship. If you don't have time to learn about how the other person functions in their personal space before you make a lifetime commitment, you could be stuck in something that will make you miserable til death do you part, if you make it that long.

Compatibility isn't just about common interests in music, art, books or about sharing life goals and ideals. It's about existing in the same space and enjoying that.

Oh, and for the record, my friend and I aren't compatible, but not just because he puts the dishes away in the wrong places. I'm not his "type."

Up Close and Personal

I am in a unique situation with my job in that I work from home assisting my boss from several hundred miles away. I deal with authors who live all over the country, most of whom I will never meet face-to-face. There are so many pros to this kind of arrangement . . . such as . . . oh, getting to work from home! . . . and with the technology that exists today, it really isn't that complicated. The down side is that you don't get the benefits afforded to you by face-to-face communication.

This week my boss is in town and we are getting to actually meet for the first time. (Bizarre, I know!) I have found it so very fascinating to finally put a face on this voice I've communicated with multiple times a day for the last month. I am finding that, even with a photo to go on, she still isn't what I pictured. We have a tendency to develop mental images around the perceptions we have formulated based on limited information. Once we have those perceptions challenged, it takes time to readjust because everything you imagined has to be adapted.

This is not to say it's a bad thing. I am really glad to have this time with her because I have a much better understanding of how she operates and how we will function together. I now know how to better work with her to get the most out of what roles each of us play.

So, this is relevant to the blog in this way: I've found more and more people are turning to online dating in hopes of capturing that elusive romance. I know a number of people who swear by it. Here is why I will never resort to that method . . . it is hard enough to fully know someone when you can look them in the eye, how on earth do you expect to really get an understanding of who they are by way of a computer chat?

Please understand, I really do subscribe to the "To Each His Own" motto, and if it's working for you, go right ahead. I'm simply saying, for someone like me who has a very vivid imagination, leaving everything to the imagination has its pitfalls. I know some might say it is easier to be yourself when you aren't "in person" dating because you are less self-conscious. I would argue that for the person who is savvy enough to read people (and you don't get that way by not interacting with them personally), you can know a lot even if they don't think they are sharing anything.

It is okay to meet someone online; but, in my not so humble opinion, it is important to meet in person before too much time passes. The impressions you form through this limited form of communication can be difficult to overcome. Even something as simple as picturing where they live, what chair they sit in to talk to you, how they dress can affect the way you interact with that person. Unpacking that already established perception can make future interaction difficult if you don't know how to reframe it. Suppose you fabricate the idea that someone is one way and they can't live up to the expectation. That can have a devastating effect on the future of your relationship. Conversely, if you don't expect much, you might not give them the chance to show you their full potential.

It isn't about appearance and learning that their avatar was photo-shopped beyond reason, or that they lied about their body specifications in their profile. It's about their body language and the vibe they emit and their comportment. Those are things that just aren't effectively transmitted electronically.

So, my point is, we already know that the written word isn't as effective as it used to be, and the nuances of emotion you can hear in vocal tone and modulation say so much more. So, the degree of understanding you get when you add that physical (yet intangible) energy to the mix is powerful.

What I now know, from having interacted with my boss in person, changes our relationship. We will have better communication. We have established more trust. We know what sarcasm or frustration or humor or epiphany looks like on the other now. It's about dimension and layers of understanding and it's what it means to be personally involved. That's not just good for romance. It's good for all sorts of relationships.