Enjoy the Silence

Amidst the clatter, the whirl, and the buzz of the cicada infestation it can be difficult to formulate a thought. I heard on the news yesterday that the decibel level generated by one of these little creatures (almost 90 decibels) can be almost as loud as the average lawn mower. When was the last time you had a pleasant conversation while cutting the grass? The sound permeates walls, windows, and doors. It drowns out everything else. It is obnoxious and intrusive.

So can be the incessant chatter of someone who needs to fill the air with noise. Nervous chatter not only compromises your ability to really engage in conversation with someone and hear what they have to say, it also prevents that inner voice from speaking to you when you need to receive that instinctual guidance.

Recently, I was on a car trip with a friend and I encouraged them to lean back and rest during the drive. It was nice to feel comfortable enough with someone not to feel the need to make idle conversation just for the sake of filling a void. It was nice to know that we were enough at ease in one another's company that we didn't HAVE to talk, that there was no void to fill. Not that we don't have plenty to say when we want to.

If you are now remembering the incredibly awkward scene from "When Harry Met Sally" where they had nothing to say after their night together and tried to rationalize it as a good thing, don't mistakenly equate the two. You will know when the silence is out of lack of communication or truly from comfort and compatibility. Also, you'll know because you won't feel the need to clarify that everything is okay even though you aren't talking.

To me, true intimacy is having everything under the sun to talk about, and choosing not to just so you can enjoy the other person's presence. If you can be quiet and be still with someone, there are loads of things that can actually pass between you.

With that, I'm going to stop my chattering and let you enjoy the silence.

Rapture

So all this end-of-the-world nonsense got me thinking about a couple things. First, I wondered what is the actual definition of rapture (because I do that), since the word is being thrown about so loosely. In addition to the most commonly understood meaning of "carrying a person to another place or sphere of existence," it is also (and primarily) defined as "joyful ecstasy." Now, we could explore the many ways those are mutually inclusive, but I think that's kind of overstating the obvious.

Next, I thought about the element of trust wrapped up in this non-event. The level of trust these followers demonstrated is impressive, albeit misguided. I think of how devastating it must be for those people to sit on this side of the prediction feeling so very betrayed.

All of that brings me to my thoughts on relationships and how crucial both components are to success in love. Yes, ecstasy is invaluable, but joyful ecstasy is a few degrees beyond because it's more than just sexual gratification. It's a deeper experience, and it's one that requires complete trust. Conversely, it is evoked by complete trust.

Trust is a tough one. Once it's been fractured, it is so hard to restore, and not just between you and the individual who damaged it. One such event can affect your ability to trust anyone. It makes you suspicious of everything, constantly expecting betrayal. It's a difficult place to exist. But, allowing yourself to trust someone, giving them access to the deeply personal stuff, and exposing who is under the facade, is a terrifyingly liberating thing to do.

I'm not advocating you dump all your crap on the front door of everyone you meet. Be judicious. The trouble these followers of Camping found was that they put their trust in someone who talked a good game but didn't do anything on a personal level to earn that trust.

The paradox is that real trust comes from intimacy, but it's very difficult to allow true intimacy with someone you don't trust. So, you find yourself with a conundrum, a Catch-22. The only way to break through that is to extend a little trust on credit. Give someone a chance with the understanding that it can be withdrawn at any time. Proceed with caution, but proceed nonetheless.

We cannot know when we will shuffle off (or be scooped up from) this mortal coil and living this life unable to trust makes it difficult at best, but quite often very painful. I'm not talking about having faith or belief in something. Those are different things and they require the ability to accept something you cannot see without any tangible proof. Trust is unique in that it does require the tiniest bit of blind faith, but you can choose to continue trusting or not based on very real evidence manifested in the behavior of others.

I have deep-seated trust issues. I am speaking to myself as much as anyone else out there who will listen. However, I have recently found in one friend in particular that it's not always dangerous to trust. He has proven that he is true to his word. He has proven that all the things I expect most men to do from previous experience aren't what every man does. It's been a good lesson, but definitely one I've had to struggle to accept. And, let's be really honest, one that probably resides with him alone and will not be granted to others.

All the same, I think the message from this failed apocalypse is that we need to accept that the world won't end just because we allow ourselves to trust. (At the risk of sounding like an after school special, sometimes people need to be extended a little trust to have the desire to be trustworthy.)

Oh yeah, we also just need to stop looking for an apocalypse, period. If you are living honestly and deliberately, whenever the world ceases to be, you'll be okay because you've actually lived. You will have no regrets about what wasn't said, what you failed to accomplish, who you failed to love. Live like you mean it and you'll be ready when the end comes.

Finding Home

So, I called this blog "Useless Relationship Advice" and not "Dating Advice" because I know all types of relationships face struggles; and, whether you are trying desperately to get one, battling through one, beating yours to a bloody, messy pulp, or trying to bury it, everyone seeks words of wisdom. And most of the people you ask will have some opinion on the matter. Also, I knew the well would run dry pretty quickly if I strictly stuck to dating.

I also started this blog with the intention of it being an interactive thing, which has not totally developed the way I'd hoped. That's okay. I've heard enough advice in my life (offered to me or those around me) to write this blog forever. So, here are the latest thoughts that have been running through my head:

I went to a party on Friday night where I spent time with some old (I guess long-time is a better term since we are reaching the age when we are a little more sensitive to the other word) friends, got better acquainted with some new ones, and met a few more people I hope will become friends. We began discussing a reunion of comrades from "back in the day" that is coming up soon. It was said that the last one was all about reminiscing the antics of our youth, which was nice as there are a lot of good memories from those days. But, the hope was that the next one would be about learning where people are now. Where have their lives led them since the group disbanded and scattered to the four corners?

So, here's what I want to know. You always hear it said "You can never go home again." What does that mean exactly? Does it mean your home won't accept you once you've left? And if that's true, what about the saying that "Home is where the heart is"? If it's always with you, how do you leave it and how can you never return to it? Maybe those are unanswerable questions. Maybe it's irrelevant. But I think, as it relates to reunions, it means that if you go looking for the past, you'll be disappointed because it's never where you thought you left it.

Things change, life moves on and for those who don't move on with it, they miss out on a lot. I think that can also be said for these interpersonal relationships. If you don't allow room for growth, you will miss all the amazing things that the people you love can become. When you relegate them to a memory from your glory days; when you fixate on who they were when you met them, it disallows for everything they learn and experience and discover. Who we were is rarely representative of who we become.

I'm speaking in general relationship terms here, but it is so often the downfall of romantic relationships. People grow and change. Sometimes they go in opposite directions because that's just their life course. But, sometimes they grow apart because one is flourishing and open to new roads and the other is sedentary, clinging to what they know, where they are comfortable. It's unfortunate when we lose a connection with someone simply because we aren't willing to keep track of where they are. (That was literal and metaphorical.)

So, whether you run away from home, never leave it, or make your home where you are, I think this quote from Christian Morgenstern applies: "Home is not where you live, but where they understand you."

I think the relationships we carry with us through life are the ones where we feel at home. But, I also think feeling at home has less to do with the longevity or intensity of the relationship and more to do with whether or not those people "get" you. Do they understand where your heart is? Have they allowed you room to grow? Are they willing to find you where you are?

When you know you can take your shoes off, eat off their plate without asking, and scratch where it itches, that is home. When you can say, "Hey, it's me" on the phone and they know who "me" is, that's home. When you find those people who make you feel safe and sheltered, cling to them, keep them close, because that is where the heart truly resides.

My Most Successful Relationship

It's Mother's Day, and today I especially feel the burden of my privilege. Not because of what my child wants from me, but what I realize I can't give him. It's a day like today when I am keenly aware of my short-comings. It's a day like today when I feel especially inadequate to give him all he deserves. Today I feel the full measure of my responsibility and I am humbled he chose me to carry it, and him.

I wanted to give him a life free from strife. Instead, he got a heart that is so big he cares more than he can bear. I wanted to ensure he never suffered. Instead, he started his life struggling more than anyone should. I wanted to be perfect, to do it better than everyone who offered me advice. Instead, I have had to apologize at least once a day. I wanted him to know no pain. Instead, he's been wounded by those who should protect him.

Yet, in spite of all my failures, he continues to look to me for his security. He runs to me for comfort. He turns to me for advice. He leans on me when he needs strength. He wants me.

So, on this Mother's Day I am grateful that my best is good enough. I am thankful that all I am capable of giving is all he needs. I am joyful that together we are stronger than anything we have faced. Today, and everyday, I get to be a mom and that's everything.

Preparation

Well, friends, I've been a little absent because I started a new job a few days ago. Not just any job, mind you. It's turning into my dream job! I honestly can't imagine how this came together to be so very perfect for me. Well, actually, I can imagine. In fact, I know exactly why my stars are aligning.

I could say it's because I've suffered enough, or that I've accumulated enough good karma to pay off my bad karma and create a bit of a credit with the universe. Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. The truth is I worked for it. I busted my ass to get here. I did everything I was supposed to do and waited for the scales to tip in my favor again. That's not to say that there wasn't some divine intervention. I definitely believe that was a contributing factor, but that only gets you so far. It is important to recognize that to realize your dreams, to have everything you want and then some, it requires work. Hard work. Lots of it. If you study and hone your craft, you will be ready and equipped when that unimaginable opportunity presents itself. When you are prepared, you get to show up and impress the pants off of those who need impressing.

The same is true with relationships. Your dream man/woman might be out there, but if you aren't ready to meet them when you cross paths, it won't matter that you might be made for each other. You have to do the work. You have to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit if you hope to be successful in being with another person. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has quirks, and some of that just has to be accepted as part of the package.

But you still need to deal with the issues that have become patterns for your failures. Look at what you want to change, determine if it's important to change it (nose jobs and liposuction do not fall in this category), and do the work to get where you feel you are the best version of yourself you can be.

You'll know when you are there, and then you can walk into a room with confidence, knowing you've brought your A-game. In business, the most successful people are those who can marry a little over-the-top self-confidence with just enough know-how to back it up. Those who are most successful in attracting quality people are those who know who they are and are just enamored enough with that to convince others there aren't any flaws.

Living a charmed life seems, from the outside, to be all about luck. Either you're blessed with good looks, privilege, or a magnetic personality. There are some who get by on those fortunes. But for those who really make something special happen for themselves, you'll find they took whatever gifts were bestowed on them and worked at it to go the distance.

We'd all like to think that there is some magic way to make things fall in our laps. The thing is you still have to lift more than a finger to wave a magic wand.