Finding Home

So, I called this blog "Useless Relationship Advice" and not "Dating Advice" because I know all types of relationships face struggles; and, whether you are trying desperately to get one, battling through one, beating yours to a bloody, messy pulp, or trying to bury it, everyone seeks words of wisdom. And most of the people you ask will have some opinion on the matter. Also, I knew the well would run dry pretty quickly if I strictly stuck to dating.

I also started this blog with the intention of it being an interactive thing, which has not totally developed the way I'd hoped. That's okay. I've heard enough advice in my life (offered to me or those around me) to write this blog forever. So, here are the latest thoughts that have been running through my head:

I went to a party on Friday night where I spent time with some old (I guess long-time is a better term since we are reaching the age when we are a little more sensitive to the other word) friends, got better acquainted with some new ones, and met a few more people I hope will become friends. We began discussing a reunion of comrades from "back in the day" that is coming up soon. It was said that the last one was all about reminiscing the antics of our youth, which was nice as there are a lot of good memories from those days. But, the hope was that the next one would be about learning where people are now. Where have their lives led them since the group disbanded and scattered to the four corners?

So, here's what I want to know. You always hear it said "You can never go home again." What does that mean exactly? Does it mean your home won't accept you once you've left? And if that's true, what about the saying that "Home is where the heart is"? If it's always with you, how do you leave it and how can you never return to it? Maybe those are unanswerable questions. Maybe it's irrelevant. But I think, as it relates to reunions, it means that if you go looking for the past, you'll be disappointed because it's never where you thought you left it.

Things change, life moves on and for those who don't move on with it, they miss out on a lot. I think that can also be said for these interpersonal relationships. If you don't allow room for growth, you will miss all the amazing things that the people you love can become. When you relegate them to a memory from your glory days; when you fixate on who they were when you met them, it disallows for everything they learn and experience and discover. Who we were is rarely representative of who we become.

I'm speaking in general relationship terms here, but it is so often the downfall of romantic relationships. People grow and change. Sometimes they go in opposite directions because that's just their life course. But, sometimes they grow apart because one is flourishing and open to new roads and the other is sedentary, clinging to what they know, where they are comfortable. It's unfortunate when we lose a connection with someone simply because we aren't willing to keep track of where they are. (That was literal and metaphorical.)

So, whether you run away from home, never leave it, or make your home where you are, I think this quote from Christian Morgenstern applies: "Home is not where you live, but where they understand you."

I think the relationships we carry with us through life are the ones where we feel at home. But, I also think feeling at home has less to do with the longevity or intensity of the relationship and more to do with whether or not those people "get" you. Do they understand where your heart is? Have they allowed you room to grow? Are they willing to find you where you are?

When you know you can take your shoes off, eat off their plate without asking, and scratch where it itches, that is home. When you can say, "Hey, it's me" on the phone and they know who "me" is, that's home. When you find those people who make you feel safe and sheltered, cling to them, keep them close, because that is where the heart truly resides.