She Blinded Me With Science

I went to my physical therapy assessment today, post surgery on my shoulder. Even though it was an inconsiderate assault on my already brutalized appendage, it was an opportunity to begin moving it around a little -- something I thought I wouldn't be allowed to do for a month. One of the "exercises" she prescribed as a warm-up was an activity where I would let my arm hang limp and allow it to swing like a pendulum. As I am want to do, I started wondering about the aspects of a pendulum, so I looked it up -- another practice to which I am prone.

Well, a pendulum is something that hangs from a fixed point, and when it is pulled back and released, is free to swing down by force of gravity and then out and up because of its inertia. AND, inertia is a law of physics that a body in motion will remain in motion, and a body at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by an outside force.

So, of course that made me think: boy, this is not only literally applicable to my physical being, but metaphorically applicable to my psyche. I wouldn't say I've exactly been dormant lately, but I certainly haven't been aggressively propelled into motion and have just kind of been riding that wave. As I am now starting to put motion into my shoulder, I am thinking it is probably about time that I not be so passive about the motion in my relationships.

I believe we have a tendency to become complaisant, just going along for the ride once we set something in motion and forget to be an active participant. We settle into being the body in motion instead of being the outside force acting upon it. We neglect our responsibility in keeping the body in motion.

There is a whole lot of sciency stuff about the types of pendula (?) that exist and how they are used that would probably help my little metaphor along, and I know there are a number of factors that help in calculating how long it will swing and in what direction and things like that, but I'm not a scientist for a very good reason. But, what I do know is that it can end up being wonky and swing without rhythm -- called chaotic motion. Think of a child on a swing and how easily it can begin to twist and turn.

What does all that mean? It means, once we begin a relationship, we often assume it is going to propel itself, that we don't have to participate in a deliberate way, relying on the laws of physics to keep it going; but, just as the kid on the swing, if the force that keeps them in motion is applied with uneven pressure -- say, if you push with only one hand, or don't follow through on the motion -- the oscillation is no longer harmonic.

It's okay to get out of balance on occasion. I loved to get the spin going on a swing. It makes it more exciting than the simple back and forth. But, if you are careless about it or let it go too long, what happens is you end up with such torsion that it makes you sick, you pinch your fingers in the chain, and you lose momentum. When you swing too high, you end up losing the tension in the rope, the trajectory is off, and you flop down in a jerk.

The point is, relationships don't stay in steady motion on their own and the wrong kind of outside influence can get them off track. You have to be actively involved. You have to check the propulsion. Sometimes you have to give it a gentle, balanced nudge. You have to be mindful of the direction and monitor the velocity of the swing. It's a dance and it kinda makes me think of the old Thomas Dolby song, because when you get it right, it can be poetry in motion.

Use Your Words!

I try not to be too self-indulgent in my posts, to use this as a platform to gripe about pet-peeves, or to take up personal issues. But, I have to take a moment to address a disturbing trend. It's this tendency for people to type in Facebook, Twitter, Email, etc. the non-word "Meh." What the hell is that?! I know it is an attempt to spell a guttural utterance, a grumbling sound. But why? I find it incredibly annoying that this is getting legs under it such that it's become a "thing."

Have we truly lost the ability to communicate verbally? Are we reduced to muttering and mumbling responses? It reminds me of a practice in Montessori schools. When your child is developing their verbal skills and you begin cultivating your spoken communication you are taught to instruct your child to "use your words" rather than grunting and pointing to get across what they want or need. I am beginning to think speaking, along with writing, is becoming a lost art.

Being able to express yourself effectively is crucial to survival in the business world. More and more companies are recognizing the short-comings of their employees and enrolling them in training to improve their written and verbal skills. I think the same needs to happen for us in our personal relationships as well. We need to start holding seminars on "The Dictionary: It's Not Just a Foot Rest," or "Wordplay: It's the New Foreplay," or "Grunting Is For After You Get Me In Bed," or "A Thesaurus is Not a Giant Lizard." (I actually have that one on a bumper sticker!)

Language is so incredibly nuanced as it is, when we stop using actual words altogether it makes it nearly impossible to discern what someone means and communication breaks down. Granted, tone and body language say a whole lot, but those easily can be misread. When you don't say what you mean (and mean what you say) how do you expect your relationships to survive, much less thrive?

So, start talking people! I'm not saying you have to run your mouth incessantly. (That's an issue for another blog day.) But, speak up and speak clearly. Instead of "Meh," say "No, I don't think so," or "Well, I'm not sure how I feel about that," or "Eww, that doesn't appeal to me," or "Maybe later." Any of those or a thousand other thoughts could be implied by that blurt, so use your words!

Return to Sender

I believe everyone, at some point in their lives has fallen for someone who didn't return the feelings. Whether you were just more invested in the relationship than they were or you admired them from afar, never even landing on their radar, it is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. It makes you question everything about who you are. Even the most self-confident, attractive, accomplished people wonder: What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough?

While I was visiting LA -- the land of the beautiful people -- I was tempted with feelings of inferiority and unattractiveness. In a world where image is so important and people spend so much money not only to ward off aging, but to manicure themselves into this false notion of beauty, it can be difficult not to ask those same questions. However, I took a really close look around me and the majority of the people there are really quite average. And all of them, even the "perfect" ones, have flaws and insecurities that can't be overcome.

I ended up in a conversation with my sister-in-law (who, incidentally, is one of those women you hate because she is naturally beautiful inside and out--truly one of the most amazing people I know, darn her!). We were talking about all the super-models and gorgeous actresses who either cheat or have been cheated on. It initially makes you think, Wow! If they can't hang on to their partner, what chance to do any of us regular Joes have? Then you have to look at who these men/women are cheating with. They aren't necessarily upgrades. That just goes to show you that it really has so little to do with looks. It is usually about some other need that isn't being met. I closed the conversation by saying that cheating is either a defect in the cheater or a defect in the cheatee, something missing from the relationship that has nothing to do with physical appearance.

So, I guess what I'm saying in all of this is that so often we are too quick to jump to the assumption that there is something wrong with us if we fail to attract someone, believing we are inferior. The truth is, being prettier, skinnier, more popular, wealthier isn't necessarily the key. It's about making the right connection with the right person. If that other person isn't interested or committed, it is rarely about how you look. You just have to accept that for whatever reason they are the wrong one for you, no matter how right they may feel in the moment. That's never an easy thing to accept. But, learning how to look past the swarm of emotions and hormones just might allow you to see the person out there who is right and is waiting for you with baited breath.

Even Elvis was shot down a time or two. Enjoy!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z54-QHEZN6E