The Bad . . .

So, here's the bad news. I am failing. I am a big fat failure. I have tried and tried and cannot master the art of keeping my mouth shut. I promise myself and others that I will hold my tongue when there is nothing good to come of speaking up. And, I am no good at it.

It is destructive to relationships and detrimental to trust. A wise man I encountered not long ago shared a quote his dad often recited: "Always tell the truth, just don't always be telling it." That is some wisdom I would so very much like to embrace, but I get in my own way over and over again.

I apologize, promise to do better, intend to do better, and then get lured back up onto my soapbox. Maybe it's under the guise of concern that I rant. Maybe it's through the misguided notion of teaching that I rave. Perhaps it is through the blindly arrogant notion of sharing wisdom that I pontificate. Most likely it is from insecurity, fear, and uncontrolled rage that I go on for days purging my frustrations and venting my aggravations. Whatever the motivation or intention, it only serves to alienate the ones I am most hoping to draw near in the process.

I'd like to say I am turning over a new leaf, but I know that would be an empty promise. I get my hackles up over injustice and I tilt at windmills and I talk through my feelings and I over-share. I'd like to think I can rein it in, but then I ask myself: Do I really want to? Am I wrong to feel passionately about the things that move me to words and action? Is it so bad to want to fix what is broken?

For the sake of my relationships, I will make an effort to tone it down, be more selective in my audience, and share the wealth so no one person bears the brunt of all my outbursts. But that's really as good as it's going to get.