Following, Friending, and Failing

As I look around me, I see more and more of my peers who are opting for either no relationship or temporary ones. Several of my friends have divorced and are happy not to go out looking for the next thing. Others just want to keep it casual, dating here and there --getting a little sumpin'-sumpin' on the side when the need arises. I wonder: Has the traditional relationship gone by the wayside? Are we opting for no attachments in this age when human interaction is taking a nose-dive across the board?

I used to preach to my friends that being a serial monogamist -- going from one relationship to the next with no transitional period -- is not healthy. It is important to give yourself time to process the loss, to figure out what you did right and what you did wrong, and to regroup. I still think that's important and a little advice a lot of people need to heed. But, I wonder if more and more people are taking it too much to heart and are withdrawing from the practice altogether.

It really has become all too convenient to negotiate our relationships via electronic means, and real human contact on a professional, social, familial, or romantic level has been reduced to Skyping, Facebooking, and texting. We live for the sound-byte from media and from Twitter. We don't want to know the intimate details of what is going on in anyone's world. It must be said in 100 characters or less. By the same token, we get WAY more information than we need because Facebook is so impersonal. We can over-share without real consequence. But, that's not real intimacy.

I think we are forgetting how to relate to one another face-to-face. I know that was what caused the failure of my friend's marriage. Only one person was doing the communicating for the couple. He actually said he figured he didn't have to work at it anymore, once they were married. Whether it's because we become too busy and pass like the proverbial ships in the night or because we turn it into a Springer-esque shouting match, we don't seem to know how to really talk to one another.

I saw an article recently that indicated the use of the telephone for actual spoken conversations is quickly disappearing. At first, technology allowed us to lose the art of letter writing -- you know, the actual putting of pen to paper to express ideas and messages in a thoughtful way -- such that we toss emails back and forth without regard for accuracy or effectiveness in communication. Now, we are losing the ability for verbal communication as well. At this rate, we will all become a bunch of isolated individuals getting our food, our work, our paychecks, our socialization, and our sexualization on our handy laptops.

As I've said before, relationships (of any sort) are messy and inconvenient. But, aside from the obvious benefits of getting to clean up with a partner, it's important to understand that our up-close-and-personal interaction is what really shapes us as human beings. It is what really makes us who we are. All the heartbreaks and disputes and frustrations and laughter and comfort and love we get by being involved with other humans is the most important stuff we will ever do. And, you clearly can't get that from emoticons. Heck, Facebook still hasn't managed to give us a means for italics, much less that sarcasm font we need so desperately.

To sum it up: Thanks for reading my blog. I appreciate the interest and I hope you'll keep coming back for more; but, for now, get off the damned computer and go out and be with someone.

It's out there . . .

It was 1989 when Harry met Sally and she sobbed to him "I'm gonna be 40!" He asks, "When?" and she responds, "Someday!" I remember laughing at the absurdity of fretting over something that was eight years away, particularly since it was over twenty years into my future and I couldn't even conceive of what 40 would look like for me.

Well, my 40 isn't just "out there." It's in two days and I still don't quite know what to make of it. Most of the time I feel stuck at about twenty-six. I try to do the "dress for success" thing and end up feeling like the little girl in the photo on my mom's wall from when I played dress-up with my cousin in my great-grandmother's attic, wearing a broad-brimmed hat and a 40's-style dress that was clearly designed to elegantly drape over boobies which had yet to emerge on my 8-year-old body. I fill out the dress now, but the confidence still droops.

Here's the thing about turning 40 in this day and age. It's not the end of the road for single women. We don't have to face our biological clocks winding down with the same fear and trepidation because there are so many advancements in fertility aids. We don't have to stress the stigma of being relegated to Old-maid-dom and being past marrying age. We don't have to have husbands or fathers to help take care of us anymore.

So, why do we still become consumed with the anxiety of being associated with this number? Why are we agonizing over another decade coming to a close, moving to the next box for age demographics? Well, I'd have to say it's because even as logical as the aforementioned justifications for still being single sound, we don't buy it. We also live in a world where those platitudes are something we tell ourselves to make the bitter pill go down smoother, not because they actually apply to real life.

I think an even bigger part of this, beyond the pressure of societal expectations, is the basic desire for companionship, the compelling need to build a life with someone. The idea of celebrating 60 years with someone when you're 80 is a beautiful thing. The adorable elderly couple that still holds hands, the husband who says his wife is as beautiful as the day he married her are images we cherish. It's no wonder we want to get started early.

I'm going to lay down the truth about all of that: 1) Those couples are a rarity, and I'm not just being cynical. Many times divorce happens. Sometimes spouses die earlier than you ever dreamed possible. Other times marriages are just convenient and couples live in tolerance, if not apathy, for those 60 years. It isn't ever as perfect as the pictures project. 2) You can still love as deeply and as purely if it happens after 40 descends on you. A dear friend of mine met the love of her life when she was over 40 and they had a beautiful marriage. Over-the-hill might just mean a new point of view. Keep that in mind.

So, here's the deal . . . I turn 40 in less than 48 hours. I am going to enjoy the last bit of my 30's, but I will gladly kiss them goodbye. They were tough. I made a bit of progress. I struggled a fair amount. I learned a lot. (I will offer this caveat: I do have a child already, and most of the time people think I'm in my late 20's. That certainly takes the sting out of some aspects of this approaching milestone.) But, I laid the groundwork for what I believe will be my best decade yet.

I am totally looking forward to my forties and everything that comes with it. I don't expect I'll be a cougar, though I can tolerate being called a MILF. I won't be desperate or urgent or frantic about finding the love that has eluded me in the years preceding. It's okay, because I am truly enjoying discovering me. This doesn't mean I don't care about that. Of course I do. Why do you think I'm doing this silly blog? It just means I've done a lot of hard work over the last several years and I think I'm finally becoming someone the right man would want to be with for a lifetime. I don't know that I can say that about the earlier, younger me.

All of that is to say, whether that great love finds you as you are skipping through campus as a freshman, by the water cooler on your first job, at a 30-and-lovin-it singles mixer, or in the joint supplement aisle of the Whole Foods store, the important thing is to be someone you love first. The rest will come, or not, when it's supposed to. That I do believe, whether I like it or not.

Spring has Schwung

With Valentine's Day safely behind us we are now moving into that gloriously miserable time of year called SPRING! We see the signs of rebirth, regeneration, rejuvenation and it makes us . . . well, horny.

I apologize if I've offended any delicate sensibilities with my candor. But, really, come on people, let's call a spade a spade. The pollen doesn't just inflame our mucous membranes. There is a reason we often use "the birds and the bees" as a euphemism for sex. They are more active in the spring, and we are too. We get frisky after being hunkered down and dormant for those long, cold winter months. We finally have energy again and it is so very exciting. We shed the layers of clothing and drudgery. And guess what happens?! We start looking to mate.

Now, that's all well and good. In fact, it's natural. It's nature doing what nature does best. Who can argue with that? The trouble is, for those of us who are single, it marks the passage of another season gone without that special someone and heightens the pressure to make it happen soon. It's almost more intense than the pressure we feel to get the beach body ready for summer. Afterall, who wants to face another season of parties, bbq's, festivities, and such without a little summer lovin'?

The important thing to remember is that this time, when everything is in bloom, can yield fields of folly, bouquets of buffoonery, and nosegays of nonsense if you let the urgency you feel take over your common sense. You can use the energy of this time to blossom personally and till the earth of your potential. Get reacquainted with you and what you really have to offer someone. It's amazing what appeal a self-aware and confident persona has for those bees out there looking to do a little "pollinating."

Summer will be here soon enough and it will bring all kinds of carefree fun in the sun, and a fair amount of blisteringly brutal heat. Watch the buds emerge and enjoy discovering what comes to the surface. Let nature take it's course.

Spring isn't a time of desperation and anxiety. It embodies all the hope and potential of the universe. Take that and run with it through the meadows of daisies and other wild flowers.