It's out there . . .

It was 1989 when Harry met Sally and she sobbed to him "I'm gonna be 40!" He asks, "When?" and she responds, "Someday!" I remember laughing at the absurdity of fretting over something that was eight years away, particularly since it was over twenty years into my future and I couldn't even conceive of what 40 would look like for me.

Well, my 40 isn't just "out there." It's in two days and I still don't quite know what to make of it. Most of the time I feel stuck at about twenty-six. I try to do the "dress for success" thing and end up feeling like the little girl in the photo on my mom's wall from when I played dress-up with my cousin in my great-grandmother's attic, wearing a broad-brimmed hat and a 40's-style dress that was clearly designed to elegantly drape over boobies which had yet to emerge on my 8-year-old body. I fill out the dress now, but the confidence still droops.

Here's the thing about turning 40 in this day and age. It's not the end of the road for single women. We don't have to face our biological clocks winding down with the same fear and trepidation because there are so many advancements in fertility aids. We don't have to stress the stigma of being relegated to Old-maid-dom and being past marrying age. We don't have to have husbands or fathers to help take care of us anymore.

So, why do we still become consumed with the anxiety of being associated with this number? Why are we agonizing over another decade coming to a close, moving to the next box for age demographics? Well, I'd have to say it's because even as logical as the aforementioned justifications for still being single sound, we don't buy it. We also live in a world where those platitudes are something we tell ourselves to make the bitter pill go down smoother, not because they actually apply to real life.

I think an even bigger part of this, beyond the pressure of societal expectations, is the basic desire for companionship, the compelling need to build a life with someone. The idea of celebrating 60 years with someone when you're 80 is a beautiful thing. The adorable elderly couple that still holds hands, the husband who says his wife is as beautiful as the day he married her are images we cherish. It's no wonder we want to get started early.

I'm going to lay down the truth about all of that: 1) Those couples are a rarity, and I'm not just being cynical. Many times divorce happens. Sometimes spouses die earlier than you ever dreamed possible. Other times marriages are just convenient and couples live in tolerance, if not apathy, for those 60 years. It isn't ever as perfect as the pictures project. 2) You can still love as deeply and as purely if it happens after 40 descends on you. A dear friend of mine met the love of her life when she was over 40 and they had a beautiful marriage. Over-the-hill might just mean a new point of view. Keep that in mind.

So, here's the deal . . . I turn 40 in less than 48 hours. I am going to enjoy the last bit of my 30's, but I will gladly kiss them goodbye. They were tough. I made a bit of progress. I struggled a fair amount. I learned a lot. (I will offer this caveat: I do have a child already, and most of the time people think I'm in my late 20's. That certainly takes the sting out of some aspects of this approaching milestone.) But, I laid the groundwork for what I believe will be my best decade yet.

I am totally looking forward to my forties and everything that comes with it. I don't expect I'll be a cougar, though I can tolerate being called a MILF. I won't be desperate or urgent or frantic about finding the love that has eluded me in the years preceding. It's okay, because I am truly enjoying discovering me. This doesn't mean I don't care about that. Of course I do. Why do you think I'm doing this silly blog? It just means I've done a lot of hard work over the last several years and I think I'm finally becoming someone the right man would want to be with for a lifetime. I don't know that I can say that about the earlier, younger me.

All of that is to say, whether that great love finds you as you are skipping through campus as a freshman, by the water cooler on your first job, at a 30-and-lovin-it singles mixer, or in the joint supplement aisle of the Whole Foods store, the important thing is to be someone you love first. The rest will come, or not, when it's supposed to. That I do believe, whether I like it or not.