King of the Road

Just a little while ago I posed a question on my Facebook wall because I am preparing for a business trip and have been pondering the ordeal involved in leaving town for a few days. I was wondering if anyone could really pick up and take off at a moment's notice. I asked if there was anyone who didn't have details to cover before they could travel, be it spouse/partner, child, pet, time off from work, laundry, filling travel-sized toiletry bottles . . .

The thing is, even in this age of facility and technological advancement, we still have stuff that tethers us to home, things that make us encumbered. Maybe there are those out there who truly do live that unfettered, bohemian way of life that means you can indulge your wanderlust and go where the wind blows you. But when you come to the end of the road -- perhaps proverbial, perhaps literal -- there is a cost. It means there are no attachments, no fetters, no ties, which isn't always a good thing.

Don't get me wrong. If you are a loner and you are okay with that, more power to you. Be the one we write great epic poems and pithy soul-searching novels about. But, most people were designed for commune (not necessarily to live in a hippy commune) with other humans. We were meant to build and thrive on relationships. We were made for each other.

There is nothing wrong with forming lasting bonds with the people around you. In fact, good or bad those bonds really enrich life. Relationships are complicated, yes. But it's how we grow. It's how we learn. It's how we experience all it means to be human.

It's one thing to be weighed down by stuff -- bobbles, chotchkes, gee-gaws, knick-knacks, and general crap. And, really, that can be the stuff in your household or the stuff in your relationships. Many relationships are filled with trinkets to symbolize a love that is never fully or effectively expressed.

It's a different thing altogether to be surrounded by and invested in people or animals who care for and depend on you. So, I guess I'm saying take an inventory of the stuff in your life and evaluate whether or not it's something worth the amount of time it slows you down for jumping on the next train to wherever. If you don't care whether or not it's there when you come back, maybe it shouldn't be taking up space in your life at all (that goes for people too). If you feel the need to make sure it receives the proper care and attention while you're gone, protect it. Guard it. Make plans before you go anywhere to see that what you cherish is safe.

With that said, I have to start packing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmOe27SJ3Yc

It's the Little Things

About twenty years ago I found a book called "10,000 Things to Be Happy About" by Barbara Ann Kipfer. I made a practice of keeping a copy around that I could give to someone when it seemed they might be in need of such a thing. It's exactly how it sounds. It's a list of 10,000 things that make the author happy; everything from puppy breath to lichen to baby oil to fast-food meal toy collecting and everything in between. Some of them are the typical things that prompt those warm fuzzies for most people. Some of them are very particular to her. The reason I gave this book away was because I always felt it was good to be able to find gratitude even in the darkest of hours. This book was a point of inspiration so they could begin to find their own happy things.

I know this is a rather Pollyanna-esque attitude, but it works. It is so easy to become self-absorbed when you are licking wounds that it's hard to find your way out. Gratitude for the little things is one way to start the journey back. It allows you to see things with a fresh perspective, to realize most things aren't as insurmountable as they seem, to discover the things in life that matter. It puts things in their proper place.

I think the same approach is necessary for relationships. We forget to show gratitude for the little things. We neglect to do small acts of kindness for those we love. We take so much for granted that we can't remember that we aren't really entitled to any of it. It's all a gift. When was the last time you told your partner how much they mean to you on a day that wasn't a nationally appointed holiday? How long has it been since you just hugged your friend because you could? What if you started telling your child every day how proud you are to be their parent, not because of their good grades or sports accomplishments, but just because you are glad to know them?

Start keeping a list of the little things that make you happy and you just might find there is this weird feeling creeping in that could overtake and consume you. It's called joy. It's also known as contentment. Maybe it could even be peace. Those are things in short supply these days. Life is too short to exist in turmoil. Find something to be happy about, even if it's just a really good cup of coffee -- which, of course, for coffee addicts is no small thing!

I have many happinesses, but stopped making a list a long time ago. I think I will get back on that. At the top of my list will be my favorite quote from the book:

"Let me bring lollipops and confetti and silly things and place them at your feet."

The reason I like this so much is it's about serendipity -- the gift of finding pleasant things unsought (also defined as inner peace) -- and then sharing that which is serendipitous with someone else. I like the word, the concept of serendipity so much it was my first tattoo nearly two decades ago.

I had forgotten about the above quote for many years and several months ago I went looking to find it again to no avail. While I was in the shower tonight it crept back up from the recesses of my brain and resonated so clearly it was as if someone whispered it in my ear. I'd say that's pretty serendipitous, wouldn't you? With that, I give you the newly resumed list (in progress):

my light-green warm and fuzzy bathrobe that I forgot was in my closet

a day when my To Do List gets done

those rare moments when my teenage son thinks i'm cool

ranunculus

the way my friends feel at home in my home

brand-spankin new school supplies

the perfect bite (of food)

being validated in my work

good, stimulating conversation

the first bit of pressure from a massage that lets you know they know what they're doing

feeling smart

a cold drink of water after a fierce workout

snuggling

driving with the lid open playing roadtrip music perfection

painted toenails in every color of the rainbow (and some that don't occur in nature)

a long awaited album from a favorite musician

warm buttered bread

lists . . .

The Agony and the Ecstasy

Exquisite. This word has been stuck in my head all day. I don't know why. I don't recall reading it anywhere or hearing it on television. But there it is, echoing over and over as if it's on a loop. The funny thing about saying a word multiple times is that it usually starts sounding really bizarre, but this one still sounds, well . . . exquisite.

I looked it up. I know what it means, but I wanted to see if there were any archaic or obsolete meanings that might put a new spin on it and to see the etymology. No big surprises in the definition, except I forgot about the negative connotation in which it can be used. Normally we think: Oh, she has exquisite taste in jewelry. But, you can also say: He felt exquisite pain. (Or, left an Exquisite Corpse . . . a shout out to my Hedwig pals) -- meaning it was acute or intense. The etymology, however, was a little unexpected. It's origin is Latin and is the past participle of "to seek out." So, exquisite is something intrinsically sought after. Interesting. It makes sense, though. I think we are, obviously, drawn to intense beauty. But is that really the same thing for everyone?

There have been a few occasions recently where one of my dear friends has commented that we would never fight over a guy because our tastes are so very different. (Nevermind the fact that we wouldn't be competing for the same boys anyway since his would not be interested in me.) In every circumstance I recognized certain aspects of these men that were appealing, but not enough to make me swoon, certainly not enough to make me fight my friend for them. Then I had a conversation with my best (female) friend about this subject and I observed that we would fight over the same guys, then I realized it would only be the celebrity crushes. We don't like the same types of real guys.

So, what does that say? For one thing, I think it demonstrates my earlier point about being drawn to intense beauty. We can't help but be drawn in by those tv and movie stars who are exquisite creatures. We dream of being them and being with them. We spend insane amounts of money and suffer ungodly torture in the attempt to mold our bodies to resemble them. (Talk about exquisite pain!)

More importantly, I think it illustrates the adage that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. I think the reason for that is true beauty lies below superficial appearance and the beauty that really catches one's eye is discovered experientially. My friends and I have a lot in common. That's one of the reasons we are friends, so it would stand to reason we would be drawn to the same types of people, right? Well, that might be true for friendship. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, when we're talking about that "thing" that makes us move heaven and earth to be with someone, it rarely follows logic. I might be able to appreciate someone and acknowledge they are attractive, but that doesn't mean I am attracted to them.

I think it really comes down to my spin on another old saying: Love at first sight. I think I've mentioned this in a previous post, but I do believe in love at first sight, I just don't know that you really see someone the first time you lay eyes on them. I think there is this moment in your interaction with someone when you see into their soul and you either like what you see or you don't. You either get them or you don't. You either see their beauty or you don't. It's that simple.

So, maybe there's no big relationship "advice" in this one, maybe just more of an observation. Or, maybe the advice is just to go with it. Don't question why you love who you love. Don't question why someone else loves who they love. Just love, because loving deeply is an exquisite experience -- exquisitely glorious and exquisitely painful all at the same time. But, isn't that what it means to truly live?

It Takes a Village

I've been observing my son navigate boyfriend/girlfriend relationships recently and I am very fascinated (if not a little troubled) by his latest choice. More than that, I'm intrigued by the lack of interaction they seem to have. She is everything I despise about 14-year-old girls, everything I despised even as a 14-year-old girl; but, I fret not, because I know it will be short-lived. I'm more interested in the fact that his best friends are girls and he spends more time on the phone, going to the mall, and hanging out with them than with his "girlfriend". This is not unlike the role I found myself in through much of my life -- the side-kick, not the girlfriend.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my best friend a while ago in which we discussed the marriage dynamic and how she realized her husband could not -- and probably should not -- be all things to her. She has friends who serve as confidants and friends who offer her intellectual stimulation. There are those with whom she can go dancing, others who share in the parenting struggle, and more still who connect with her for spiritual growth.

At one point it pained her to realize that her husband wasn't her equal in certain areas, that he couldn't identify with her in others. Then she discovered that this is true with most of her relationships and that isn't necessarily problematic. We all have this romantic notion that our life partner is supposed to be, as the Queen of Soul sings, "All I need to get by." We want them to be our world and to fulfill us.

Those are really nice ideas, very idyllic fantasies; but, the reality is they just aren't life. If you have everything in common with your mate, someone isn't being honest. The idea that opposites attract is more than just a chemistry experiment or a catchy tune by Paula Abdul. It is true that being too different typically creates incompatibility, but just enough differences create an environment where each of you can grow and learn from one another.

Rather than searching for some one who will complete you, look for someone who will complement you. Note the difference: I did not say "compliment," to tell you flattering things and fluff up your ego. I mean complement - to be a companion to what you have to offer, to be compatible and work in concert.

Basically, I'm saying if you find the person you think you can't live without because they are your everything, it is highly likely you need to broaden your horizons. Don't become so consumed by someone that you no longer can tell where you end and they begin. I know the biblical notion of marriage is that two become one, but that doesn't mean you become one identity. It means your efforts are united. It means you work in unison. It means you are still who you are, they are still who they are, but you are unified in how you choose to exist.

So, have your mate and playmates too (no, I don't mean the Heff kind). Keep those other relationships alive and thriving. Let them contribute to your life and your romance. The more well-rounded you are, the better you will be to your partner, and vice-versa. (Which means, girls, don't horn in when he has they guys over to watch the game. You wouldn't want him tagging along when you go shopping with your entourage. I know -- stereotypical and sexist, but you get my point.)

Keep your friends, rely on them, and allow them to help you stay you. Afterall, the person that attracted your guy or gal is who they wanted in the first place. What makes you think they'd want to see you give that up?

Because, we all know that song "All of Me" doesn't have the happiest of endings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P0hG3sD0-E

(and since I mentioned it . . . )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_USIBgm2Rk