This reminds me of a conversation I had with my best friend a while ago in which we discussed the marriage dynamic and how she realized her husband could not -- and probably should not -- be all things to her. She has friends who serve as confidants and friends who offer her intellectual stimulation. There are those with whom she can go dancing, others who share in the parenting struggle, and more still who connect with her for spiritual growth.
At one point it pained her to realize that her husband wasn't her equal in certain areas, that he couldn't identify with her in others. Then she discovered that this is true with most of her relationships and that isn't necessarily problematic. We all have this romantic notion that our life partner is supposed to be, as the Queen of Soul sings, "All I need to get by." We want them to be our world and to fulfill us.
Those are really nice ideas, very idyllic fantasies; but, the reality is they just aren't life. If you have everything in common with your mate, someone isn't being honest. The idea that opposites attract is more than just a chemistry experiment or a catchy tune by Paula Abdul. It is true that being too different typically creates incompatibility, but just enough differences create an environment where each of you can grow and learn from one another.
Rather than searching for some one who will complete you, look for someone who will complement you. Note the difference: I did not say "compliment," to tell you flattering things and fluff up your ego. I mean complement - to be a companion to what you have to offer, to be compatible and work in concert.
Basically, I'm saying if you find the person you think you can't live without because they are your everything, it is highly likely you need to broaden your horizons. Don't become so consumed by someone that you no longer can tell where you end and they begin. I know the biblical notion of marriage is that two become one, but that doesn't mean you become one identity. It means your efforts are united. It means you work in unison. It means you are still who you are, they are still who they are, but you are unified in how you choose to exist.
So, have your mate and playmates too (no, I don't mean the Heff kind). Keep those other relationships alive and thriving. Let them contribute to your life and your romance. The more well-rounded you are, the better you will be to your partner, and vice-versa. (Which means, girls, don't horn in when he has they guys over to watch the game. You wouldn't want him tagging along when you go shopping with your entourage. I know -- stereotypical and sexist, but you get my point.)
Keep your friends, rely on them, and allow them to help you stay you. Afterall, the person that attracted your guy or gal is who they wanted in the first place. What makes you think they'd want to see you give that up?
Because, we all know that song "All of Me" doesn't have the happiest of endings.
(and since I mentioned it . . . )
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