Tarzan, Captain Caveman, and other Neanderthals

According to Greg Behrendt, men like the chase. They like to be in the driver's seat, be the ones to call, to make the moves, and don't want to be pursued by women. It's a turn-off. By this logic, if a man is not clubbing me over the head and dragging me to his cave, I can safely assume he's not interested. But, if I am lucky enough to be sporting a concussion, I can rest assured I'm a popular lady.

This is not just the advice we got from Mr. Behrendt in his infamous book, it's what our mothers told us when we were young. I can't count the times my mom said I shouldn't call a boy because it makes you seem too loose. I must admit, it must be valid on some level as I have never really heeded that advice and am still single. HOWEVER, the problem with this notion as it is detailed in He's Just Not That Into You is in the Q & A where, over and over again, women submitted scenarios trying to understand why the guy wasn't calling or trying to find out if she should. The consistent answer is: If he's not calling he's not interested. Guys go after what they want and they don't let anything stand in their way.

Okay. I agree that it's pretty much a fundamental of human nature to overcome insurmountable odds to get that which you desire. But, this argument essentially disallows any possibility for insecurity in men and no room for life circumstances that prevent action. Am I really supposed to buy that ALL men are so confident and well-adjusted (or so cocky and blindly ignorant) that they always go for it? Puh-leeze! While I will grant you the average male is one or the other on most days, everyone has feelings of inferiority, periods of doubt, dips in self-esteem. I don't believe I am supposed to take every lack of response as a personal rejection. Sometimes he is intimidated. Sometimes he does get busy. Sometimes he isn't savvy enough to find you after losing your number. (Granted, you may not want those men calling you anyway, but that's for another blog.)

I struggled after recently reading the excerpt from this book. On one hand he was encouraging every woman to move on to the next guy because you are all too fabulous to waste time on a loser who isn't interested enough to put forth the effort. On the other, he was asking us to buy into the principle that 9.99 times out of 10 we haven't succeeded in capturing the interest of any of the men we encounter. Wow! I feel truly fabulous. How about you? Then I realized that even though men and women do operate from different places and don't think or process things the same way, we are all human. We all fear rejection. We all want to be desired. Men may want to have the power, but with that comes all the responsibility and the risk. Even when they are thinking with their little brains, the weight of that still has to give them pause.

So, what do we do? Defy the advice of our mothers and Greg? Do we go ahead and call? I believe each situation has unique circumstances that will dictate your response. Was this a first date? Are you in the same circle of friends? How did you come to have a date in the first place?

The truth is, it isn't as simple as "Me Tarzan, You Jane," though I kind of wish it could be. Life is complicated. Relationships are complicated. Simple human interaction gets complicated. Yet, such a simplistic view of things seems to actually complicate things further. Maybe it's a little uncomfortable and, yes, you have to be prepared to get the answer you don't want; but, how about being direct and just asking, "Are you in to me?"

Back pedaling? I think not!

Yesterday I blogged about our voyeuristic dependence on movies for romantic fulfillment. I'm not changing my tune for fear of backlash from the Hollywood establishment. I am, however, fine-tuning my statement. If you enjoy this particular genre of film, by all means, consume as much as possible until your little fake-butter-stained, popcorn-grabbing fingers can take no more. I am simply issuing a word of caution about getting so sucked in to this artificial world that you can't find satisfaction in your own.

American author Walker Percy once said the role of fiction is to "show man something of himself that he knows, but doesn't know he knows." I think that's what we can get from Romantic Comedies, and film in general. Viewed with the proper perspective, we can learn a lot about ourselves. We can discover aspects of ourselves we didn't realize were there: a sentimentality, a cynicism, a unique attraction, or an aversion we wouldn't have uncovered otherwise. The key is to know how to practically apply that information, that new understanding, to the real parts of our lives. Use it to grow and engage in your life rather than just wading through it.

I actually love Romantic Comedies. I'm a sucker, what can I say? And I'm not preaching from some lofty place of self-actualization. I am speaking from experience. But, I've learned no matter how you may try to orchestrate the most perfectly cinematic moment--the kind they would work into their next film should a movie mogul happen to see it--there will always be something to go awry. The girl will chip her tooth on the ring strategically hidden in the dessert. The guy will wrench his back trying to take you to ecstasy on the dining room table.

Even if you aren't shooting for those kinds of acrobatics, it rains when it wasn't predicted, your mom shows up unannounced, they get a nasty cold and can't make it. BUT, that shouldn't stop you from trying to cultivate romance and provide that experience for that special someone. Just remember to avoid highly-flammable fabrics and take bugspray, for heaven sake!

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves in relationships already, without the unachievable being set as our goal by external forces. Okay, so you want to impress. That's great, but let your goal be inspiration, not imitation. You need to BE natural, not ACT natural.

Line?

Today I read a headline that said we are all more interested in Jennifer Aniston's love life than in her movies. It was intended to be a criticism of her latest film Switch, but I think it is a pretty strong commentary on where we are as a society that the dating successes and failures of this celebrity warrants a headline at all.

We are so wrapped up in watching what other people do and either mimicking or scrutinizing it that we can't even function in our own lives. We don't know how to do romance without trying to emulate what we see on screen. We wish for a soundtrack to swell and swoon, punctuating that sweeping embrace. And where's the lighting guy to make us glow prettily, bathed in a swathe of warm hues?

Our expectations are so dictated by the carefully crafted cinematic events that we don't stop to consider how they would play out in real life. Imagine if a stranger showed up at the Empire State Building knowing your name and intimate details of your life. I know I'd get a restraining order! And, as adorable as that floppy mop of hair might be, Hugh Grant's signature character would be maddeningly insufferable after about a week.

We can't get an honest look from Hollywood at what we face in the search for love. Even He's Just Not That Into You, which boasted a pragmatic and brutally honest look at romance, wrapped up so nicely and neatly that everyone got what they wanted--or what they deserved.

My point? This love stuff is tricky. It's not formulaic and resolved in under two hours. You don't have a wacky side-kick who provides the comic relief and the poignant, yet clever quips that enlighten you and instantaneously provide the answer to make all your romantic dreams come true.

I've come to the conclusion that the only way to actually have something real is to acknowledge that we did buy all those fairytale promises and media-fed fantasies . . . and let them go. True love may exist, but only if you truly work at it. You have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty. Dig in up to your elbows, clawing through the awkwardness, insecurity, unsurity, and frustration. Take the risks. Make the mistakes. Go down the wrong paths. Just make sure you do it yourself, because, as we all know, even the perfect script hasn't helped Jennifer Aniston get it right in real life.

Revival

No, I'm not calling this post "Revival" because I want you to go sit in a tent or a church and get right with God. Although, I do think we need a "Come to Jesus Meetin'" about how we dole out advice and take it personally when it isn't followed.

This is called "Revival" because I'm trying to breathe restoring life into this little project I started months ago and dropped. I think it has merit, and more than that, I have stuff to say and people should hear it. Self-indulgent much? Yes!

I also believe there needs to be a resurrection of honesty, simplicity, and fun in relationships. Too many of my friends and I, myself, have fallen victim to the tendency to over-analyze and need to label human interaction. Quite honestly, I'm at the point where I don't even know if I'm dating or what it even looks like. And, I'm afraid to ask. I'm tired of scrutinizing everything to get a glimmer of an indication about whether or not a guy really likes me. It's exhausting. And, the truth is, I am only that way because everyone else wants to know more than they really need to know. They want to define/categorize it. I just want to enjoy it.

So, do I tune out the friendly advice/guidance of those who mean well or am I better off on my own? I honestly can't say since I'm feeling pretty clueless. I do know most of the instruction I've been given so far has not felt natural or "me" in the slightest, even though I've been assured it WILL work. I think I just have to wing it and go with what feels right for now.

Me and Harvey, we just wanna be loved. Is that so wrong?

Relationship Advice: the good, the bad, and the ugly

Recently, I received some advice to the effect of "Just dive in and go for it." Now, I'm of the opinion that this only works when faced with a leap from an airplane at 30,000 feet or in choking down medicine. Oddly, this advice was issued with this caveat: "But, you see where it got me . . . ."

It is one thing to dive in for that good night kiss when you're pretty sure the other person is just waiting for you to make the first move. It's another to push a relationship to a new level when you're not sure where it's supposed to go.

Besides that, why should I take advice that has clearly not played out well for the person issuing it? I agree that relationships can be over "thunk" and we can analyze every little look, grunt, and omission to the Nth degree until we are more confused than when we started. I think it is important to go with what feels right. But, that brings me to the point of this blog, which is that we are so out of practice that trusting our gut is a scary, and often poor, prospect.

Is it really a smart move to "dive in and go for it," or should we be more measured in our approach to human relations? Is reckless abandon the way to conquer that ever elusive love? Or, does that bring doom and destruction to a burgeoning romance and quash it before it has a chance to flourish? Can we really adopt the it's better to apologize than ask permission mantra in matters of the heart?

I honestly don't have the answer to that. I've tiptoed through the field of landmines. I've been like a bull in a china shop. I can't say one approach has worked better than another. Perhaps each situation calls for a unique approach and the only way to know is trial and error; although, it would be nice not to have to screw up a potentially good thing just to find out if you're handling it the right way.

What are your thoughts? Diver down? Tread water? Sink or swim? I'm running out of nautical metaphors, so let's have your contribution.

Here We Go!

Considering the fact that they made a movie and sales have been through the roof for a long time, books like "He's Just Not That Into You" and "The Rules" are sure to be among that which some of you have consulted at one time or another. Don't be embarrassed. You are not alone.

We all have trouble navigating the murky waters of romantic relationships. We all think we are succeeding only to find we have failed miserably. Sometimes we wake up soon enough to repair the damage and salvage that which we love. (A Freudian slip? No, I think we often love the relationship, or the idea of it, more than the person with whom we are having it.) Other times, we trample it to a bloody, messy pulp before we have the first clue it's in jeopardy.

We spend millions on couples and individual counseling to figure out why we are still so lonely. We pour booze down our throats in hopes of soothing the raging heartache that follows a break-up, or even just a fight. Bartenders around the world hear all the things about your life they never wanted to know without the compensation you give your therapist.

My point? We are constantly seeking advice or someone to listen to our woes and give us some sort of consoling words of wisdom. I'm not sure, after centuries of this practice, that it's gotten us anywhere useful. I believe we have become so accustomed to talking about our relationships that we aren't actually doing anything productive in them.

I want to hear from you all. Give me the best, worst, and most absurdly hilarious relationship advice you've received. It can be professional advice you followed that turned out to be bad, or that you happily chose to ignore. It can be the stuff handed down from grandparents, neighbors, or church members. It can be the blatherings of a well-meaning friend or co-worker. No need for attributions here, just the "words of wisdom" will be fine.

My hope is that somewhere in the muck and mire we might find something that really does work! So, fire away!