This morning I posted a link on Facebook:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42595605/ns/today-today_people/
It precipitated quite a few outraged responses about the notion that this life-sized Barbie represented what was attractive to men. Interestingly enough, none of the responses were from women. To my male friends I would say the following:
Until we send a very clear message to the PTB that women of all shapes and sizes ARE beautiful, that our movie and tv stars don't have to be a size zero with a special bra made to fit their F-cup chest, and until we stop making the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue the best-selling periodical of each year, this demand will continue.
Men, and women, it's time to put your money where your mouth is. Stop buying fashion magazines that insist on creating fashions that only work on a 5'9" and 115lb. body. Stop renting porn that features women with a 20" waist and a 40" bust. Stop watching television shows when you notice the starlettes shrinking before your very eyes. Stop supporting this industry that makes us feel inferior for being in the majority.
I am, for the first time in my adult life, what would be called average, based on the clothing size I wear. I battle myself to reconcile that with the number on the scale and how I actually feel in my skin. Yet, I look at the images shoved in front of me and catch myself thinking "Oh, I have so far to go!" That is wrong. My primary concern should (and really is most of the time) be: Am I healthy? In fact, that should be the only question any of us ever ask ourselves.
Next, start telling your wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers they really are beautiful the way they are. Start supporting their efforts to get healthy, not skinny. Start letting your daughters know it's okay to eat like a normal, healthy kid. Start sending the message that a size 12-14 is sexy.
So, friends, while I appreciate your assurances that this stacked & packed Barbie holds no appeal for you, please keep that in mind the next time you think Tom Brady is so lucky. Gisele is probably a raging bitch because she can't eat a freakin' slice of pizza for fear of becoming unemployable.
I have no idea who Tom Brady is, nor do I buy fashion magazines or porn. I've given up cable/satellite, and I doubt my viewing habits on Netflix streaming of back catalog sci-fi or drama shows I missed when they were new drives much in the way of advertising money towards the effort to convince women they need to be skinny and big-breasted to be attractive.
ReplyDeleteWhen I think of all the girls and women I dated over the years, I can't think of a single one that would match up with the Barbie "ideal," and if any came close it likely had to do more with that awesome teenage metabolism I wish I could recover than anything else.
I don't see this as a problem I can do much to solve, at least not until I become a father. My life choices to date support the reality that women of normal sizes not only can be beautiful, but are.
I wasn't outraged by your posting this to Facebook, nor by your wondering if close to 100% of men really want something like that in a woman. Were I inclined to accept the collective responsibility for the perpetuation of this image that you seem to want to assign to society in general, and men in particular, I might be slightly outraged, but I don't exist as part of some collective grunting pack of male apes clamoring for big boobies.
First of all, you needn't take all of this quite so personally. To a degree it was hyperbole. However, I do believe this is a collective responsibility and there are little things we all can do to start making a difference in the societal problem.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I believe I acknowledged those who defended the idea that women of average, or even "plus" size, are beautiful. But the fact remains, there is a general sense across our culture that men marry the average girl, but continue to fantasize about the unattainable model/actress. This implies that they take what they can get, but aren't ever totally satisfied. If this isn't true, it is their responsibility to help change the conversation. Make sure that message is heard.
Also, it should be made clear, I think this discussion has the potential to send the pendulum in the opposite direction. We have an epidemic of obesity in this country and most of it comes from complacency and laziness. What I want us to understand is that any size can be beautiful as long as you are healthy. I think weighing 100 lbs. at 5'6" can be just as unhealthy as 245 lbs. at the same height.
We can all do better. We can all contribute to changing the climate we are in. Even if we don't directly participate, silence typically implies agreement.
Oh, and to be fair. Women are guilty of this as well regarding men. It's not quite as oppressive, but it still damages the self-esteem and psyche.
ReplyDeleteI'm only taking any of this personally to the extent that I wanted to point out that, even though you assert a bunch of stuff about society in general and men specifically, both in your original post, and in your comments, I have personal experience in the form of my own actions, choices, and opinions about what makes a woman attractive that don't line up with your assertions about society and men.
ReplyDeleteI'm an individual who doesn't reflect what you see as the collective sentiment or responsibility, so while I might acknowledge that it is possible that some number of men may prefer the unrealistic Barbie ideal, I don't, and I know plenty of men who don't.
I also don't agree that there is a general sense that men settle for average women but continue to fantasize about unattainable models or actresses. I'll bet there are individual men who have done that, and maybe plenty of them, but very little of my life experience supports the notion that it is generally true.
I'd also say that I am supportive of what I understand your premise to be - that men and women have unrealistic ideas of what a beautiful woman (or man) is, and that can have harmful effects on both women and men.
I just think your premise is weakened by assertions of some "general sense" or your discounting multiple "That's not the way I feel" comments from your male friends, as if the media bias somehow contradicts or diminishes individual views to the contrary.
I also don't accept that silence implies agreement, both because I'm not a mind reader, and I think that an individual man living his life in such a way that demonstrates that he finds women of normal shapes and sizes to be attractive isn't being silent - he's being an example.
Peace :)
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ReplyDeleteI appreciate where you are coming from, Mike, and I applaud you for your standards. I do however want to point out that generalities don't take into account individual experience because that is the nature of a generalization. And, yes, I do recognize the risk and unfairness associated with generalizing. The thing is, the media does use these blanket assumptions to design their approaches and they cater to a common denominator, albeit the lowest one.
ReplyDeleteMy point is simply that those men and women who don't find themselves among that number should make a little noise so their interests and needs are being met and so the average person in America is more accurately represented.
Am I saying you can't find those perfect bodies attractive? Absolutely not! That's unrealistic and insensitive in another direction. I just don't want the PTB to continue forcing that on us as the ideal.
Thanks for pushing back. This is one of the more enjoyable posts I've had because I know at least one person actually read it and took some of it to heart!
Your guy, your relationship, is just an addition to your life. It's not something that you should lose yourself in. Relationship Advice For Women
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