I Promise to Love (check), Honor (check), and Obey (ch . . . wait! What the . . .?)

I saw a headline the other day that Kate Middleton is refusing to say "obey" in her vows. I was rather put out by the notion that this is news. It seems to me it should be news if a woman does agree to "obey" her husband these days. It is a ridiculous and archaic custom and makes me think the standard wedding vows should really be overhauled for the modern age.

I know a lot of couples already replace obey with something like cherish, respect, or some other choice word. And, that's fine. But, there's a whole lot in the traditional vows that does not reflect modern relationships. To have and to hold, til death do us part, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. Honestly, I don't think any of this really captures the promises I want out of my partner. Sure, one could argue they cover the big stuff and if not in letter, certainly in spirit, address the important things. The trouble with that is, if you can loosely define how those rules apply, you can just as loosely interpret them so they don't apply.

I've had a friend staying with me for a few months and, while I am very grateful for everything they do to help around the house, it's honestly making me crazy! Not unlike when I was bed-ridden after my appendectomy and my mom had to help around the house. As well intentioned as people might be, they don't know where things go and they don't know how you do things.

Now, I know this is going to make me sound like an inflexible shrew who probably shouldn't get married (and I'm not prepared to vigorously argue that point with you); however, I feel I should be allowed to defend myself. I have EXTREMELY limited storage space in a VERY small kitchen. That means, in order to function well and produce what I must, it is necessary to be creative. Things have a specific place where they reside. It's important. You can't just put them anywhere. That creates avalanches when you try to get to something or clutter on the precious, prime real estate of my countertops.

I'm also limited in storage throughout my house, so I fold laundry in a certain way for space-saving reasons, not because I'm plagued with OCD. I also have a routine that helps me keep track of all I have to do as a single mother managing a whole host of responsibilities a lot of people already get to share with a partner. Yes, I recognize some of these issues would change as households are merged, but not necessarily for the better.

So, all of this is leading up to an updated set of vows for the "already established" or "late-in-life" bride or groom. These are the promises you can make and expect from your partner, should you venture into that sketchy territory.

I, insert name, take you, insert name, to be the latest addition to my world. I promise to make room for you on a schedule that we can both live with, to modify my habits to prevent conflict, so long as it doesn't compromise my ability to function in my (our) hectic life (together). If you promise not to try to put things away without direct supervision, I promise to teach you how to be the most efficient version of yourself possible. I commit to remaining the obnoxiously independent person you fell in love with and will not ask you to change the same about yourself. In fact, I promise to work toward the ability to buy a house with a wing for each of us, or multiple homes so we can maintain personal space. With all my love, from this day forward I give you access to my world on a level no one else is privileged to know.

Yes, I realize this is rather cynical, hardly romantic, and somewhat dismissive. It is not my intention to diminish any vows anyone has already taken. I'm just saying, for me (and perhaps others out there), the ideals of marriage promised in those long-spoken words don't really work. It's unbelievably tough to imagine sharing your world with someone after being relatively autonomous in it for the majority of your adult life.

Practicality tends to win out over romance once you get past the honeymoon anyway. Why not start at the ceremony calling a spade a spade. Recognize that you are set in your ways, and don't apologize for that. To be successful in relationships late in life, you have to be willing to recognize your limitations and those of your partner and be willing to work around them, because you're DEFINITELY NOT going to change them. For those who start early enough to grow and form living habits together, this isn't an issue; but, for those who haven't had to consider the needs of others in their personal space, it's an adjustment. Just keep that in mind.