Yours, Mine, and Ours

I've been hearing one of my friends lament on a regular basis about his difficulty in finding a partner. In fact, every time he hears of someone else finding love he asks, "If they can, why can't I." This is not a question that is unfamiliar to me. I've asked it myself.

On the occasions that I can look at that person and the one who found them and say, "Better them than me!" I am consoled and placated for a while. I take comfort in reminding myself that though it seems unfair that they found someone while I remain alone, that someone is definitely not the one for me. Obviously, that doesn't always work. There are times when I look at that someone and think, "She's marrying my husband!" That's when it gets tricky.

Another friend said she doesn't believe in "THE ONE." She believes there are many out there who can be "the one." It depends entirely on where each of you will be when you encounter one another. The idea that there is only one soul mate fated for you is ridiculous because, what if the two of you live on opposite sides of the planet, or in different eras, or just never cross paths? Does that mean you lose your chance for love? Granted, one could make the argument that if the universe doesn't put you in proximity of time or space they are not really meant to be. However, I do think it is more plausible that, because we change significantly over our lifetimes--in our interests, our priorities, our attractions, our needs--that if "the one" doesn't match those criteria, they aren't right for that phase of your life. And, as we know all too well, timing is EVERYTHING.

I also think soul mates aren't always your romantic partners. If you find one in the same, fantastic; but, often, we don't realize that our soul mate is someone we won't have a sexual relationship with at all. Yes, Carrie addressed this in "Sex and the City," but that's not where I got the idea. She just affirmed it.

The Celts have a notion of love and friendship they call: Anam Cara. In Gaelic anam is the word for soul and cara is the word for friend. The "soul friend" is one with whom you could share your inner-most self, your mind, and your heart. This is explained as a relationship that cuts across all convention, morality, and category--the one in whom your heart could be at home, the truest mirror to reflect your soul. (For more information about this, see John O'Donohue's book Anam Cara: A book of Celtic Wisdom.) I really wonder if we are capable of having that kind of vulnerability and exposure with a sexual/romantic partner.

So, here's my thought. While finding romantic love is a motivating force that can (understandably) completely consume us, it isn't the be-all-end-all. I believe it is so much more important to find that soul friend, the mirror to reflect your soul. The truth is, we could all use a really honest look at who we are so we can decide if that's where we want to be, or if we need to discover something more of ourselves so we can be ready for that one when we stumble on their path.

To my friend, I would say, "I know this doesn't make the loneliness go away. I know it doesn't answer the question of 'Why not me?' or get you any closer to the love you want and deserve. But, maybe it helps reframe what you're seeking. Maybe, just maybe, it helps you understand why you've spent this time alone and what you should be doing with it to help prepare you for when the time comes."

Of course, that could be a bunch of BS and cracking open a gallon of Ben & Jerry's together would be more helpful.